Vent

You know when you think you've found your someone, I mean they could really be your someone. But they can't see that the relationship could make them 'happy' like they want to be; blinded through fear

[You seem to be everywhere I turn, a blink and you appear.

That was the way I liked it a week ago, and I so wish we could go back to that night.

Though everything that happened, all that we were, and all the words you spoke, didn't mean to you what they did to me. Though I'm sure you knew, 'cause I let myself go for once, let that.. guard down. And you got to me, everything you said, you agreed with me far to much I fear now - so at the time did I think it was a spark, a connection. It's not like you wanted a lot from me though, I should be grateful you aren't and weren't like that.

At least not with me; there were obstacles preventing it however, so what do I really know?]

I know that, when you looked at me, I'd hold eye contact and smile a little grin. Because in that moment no one else had what I had. 

And I realise, that I've got a little part of you that not everyone else has. It meant a lot that I trusted you, I don't think you realised how much. Yet you sort of trusted me too, right now I think not as much as you could've.

But what's with trying to impress me, I know you like to have a girl around, who doesn't. I liked having guys around, but you were some sort of...

I usually find it hard to put myself out there, and I usually shoot others down before they get the chance - I usually assume that they won't understand me, but slowly I'm figuring they might if I let them try.

But he was something different, and now I'm left here in denial 'cause I don't want to trust anyone after him. In case they leave as easily as he is. He said sorry, for leading me on - that he didn't mean to. But he must've known. Maybe I was just an easy target? Maybe he does that a lot, gets you caught up in his charm and smile, leaves you to chase. I did that too, I made him come after me, and he took the bait. So why am I the one hurting right now?

And why am I waiting for your reply, to the message where you told me that this isn't going any further. 

OK basically:

I loved that you have issues too. 

That not everything is perfect, but with you it felt better.

You were a breath of fresh air.

From everything I was conforming too; 'You make your own happiness'

'Go about everyday as if it were your last' and 'do something new everyday'.

Well apart from the great advice, it was sweet, romantic, and you were sharing it with me.

Lets carry on, I loved the way you asked me what I would wish for, and then I asked you. I should have taken your answer further, no? Why would you answer, 'happiness' then kiss me? Do I make you happy? You say you want to be happy, yet you 'don't plan to go any further'.

I think you need to open your eyes! You WISH for happiness, yet you won't take chances on it, on things that could make you happy... It doesn't add up; It doesn't make sense.

And I feel like I can't step up, because I'd be embarrassed when you have the chance to say, I don't make you all that happy. 

But then there's the other consequence, where you say to me, that you've been to scared or unsure up until now to act on it, that maybe you didn't realise it at the time, but now I've said it,,, you do? Or am I dreaming.

You said those beautiful things to me... that's all. And you made me fall for the way we were together. How you'd stare at me, with a smile, side smile smiling right at me. Almost a grin, like you were gonna get me if it took you all the time in the world. I was part of the game, you were just too good at playing. Almost like someone who cheats, you got to where you wanted too quickly, and I put up no defence. Maybe I should have made it harder for you. Teased you, made you want me more, not let you have it all so fast? Would it still be going then, or would you have given up on the game - you do that a lot. When things aren't going your way; everything has to go your way.

You 'handled me like glass', and then dropped me. You took me in your arms, and held me there,,, told me it'd all be ok, that I'd get out soon. And again, from life I want to run away. 

I thought this would be different for once, that just maybe it'd work itself out if I just went with it, and I tried to give a little more than usual. You were the first person I liked who I thought liked me too. I know you like/d me, just maybe not to the extent to want to carry it on. Which sucks, a little. But when I lost all faith in love, relationships I got told not to 'look for someone who'll take it off my mind', instead I was told to find the one who'd help me through it. And I know you're not around for long, but, just but. It would've worked, at least a bit.

I guess with you I formed some sort of belief, maybe. I thought it'd work. I thought maybe we had so much in common that we'd keep getting along, and you'd keep wanting to see me. I just don't have the guts to ask anyway,,, if you want to hang out. You might, it's not like we aren't friends, not like we don't get along, not that I'd want to make it a date. I don't,,, in fact the idea freaks me out. I'm happy as friends, hugging, the occasional kiss, because? I'm attracted to you. Is all. 

I let myself fall too hard I guess, let myself wonder what could be. I had fun sure, but I tried to make it something before it should have been maybe? Where was the 'let it flow bit' and it was all because you're leaving soon and I don't want that, I guess I panicked, and didn't know what to think or do.  

And I have my belief in God, I kept praying and telling him that although I want this, Lord 'I'm living for you, wherever you're taking me I'll follow'. Yet where is my faith? Where is this big belief in God? 'Cause it's not there. Sure I think there is a God, an external power. But to what extent is he loving and imminent. So why don't I live differently? Why do I go to church? Why am I following a religion, if I don't feel I believe? Everyday feels like an eternity. I can't sleep, and ten minutes just gone with you not there feels like everything is gone. Even though we're not talking, it's all gone. All feeling, again numb, even marks feel empty, there is nothing left any more. Nothing here. Nothing. Again.