Panic Attacks

9/14/2015.

I lay in bed at night,

my mind itching to open

and explore the world

rather than sink farther into my mattress.

There are words on the tip of my tongue

of all the things I never said.

I cannot remove them from my head;

they stay stuck rent-free to the inside of my skull.

I feel myself fall farther

instead of climbing up,

and I fear I'll never get a foothold

on this terrible terrain.

My written words show where I stand

and what I believe in.

I just wish they could tell me

who stood next to me, too.

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

Having had a friend that suffers from Fibromyalgia, this caught my attention..turns out, it's an exceptional piece with hints of brilliance.

Thanks for the share!

[SleeplessVolcano]

I have started charging rent for the words taking up space in my head.......problem is, they cannot afford the rent!

Sinking into the mattress is such an apt picture for panic attacks.......

Thank you for sharing this revealing poem!

[Emily Irene.]

Thank you!

[I Am Svetlana]

I can relate to this on such a level. I often get panic attacks and have anxiety and words really have been the only thing to help me sort it all out. They help me explain things when my mind just wants to stop and shut down...when I'm too numb to be emotional about anything. Writing has helped me open up and see myself on such a different level, it's helped me appreciate and understand myself more. Thanks for sharing!

[Emily Irene.]

That's wonderful! If I can't write when inspiration strikes me or I am so upset I have to write, nobody should bother me, haha. Thank you for your review!

[I Am Svetlana]

That's often how I am, I really don't like writing around people. I feel foolish when people ask me what I'm writing, I'm thinking "go away, go away, go away." When I try to write around people, when they try to talk to me, I completely lose all of what I was going to write. It can be very frustrating at times.

[Emily Irene.]

And I know that dreaded feeling when you lose it. On one of my poems, "Nervous World," its just a four-line stanza that hit me like a bolt of lightning when I was swimming at the Y one day. I love swimming almost as much as I love writing so I was conflicted because I was afraid of losing it, it is so random when I come up with something I really feel sounds real and not contrived. So for the next 20-25 minutes I continued to swim and float, repeating the four-line, rhyming stanza to myself. I'm pretty sure I scared a few people if they overheard me but I REFUSED to lose something, when it had been so long since I felt that amazing high of writing something you're proud of. It TORTURES me if I lose something I knew was perfect.

Sounds like you don't get enough privacy if you can't even need to write and get some peace to do it. ]: I live with my mom, stepdad and boyfriend and the only one that gives me any trouble can be my boyfriend. He did it to me once - bothered me when I was writing something new and feeling really inspired - and I snapped at him so bad now all I have to do is go, "can't talk, i'm writing" and he gets exactly what that means: no talking. Haha.

[I Am Svetlana]

Well, I got a new job about a month ago and I work most of the weekend and when I'm not working, I'm staying at my boyfriends place which is an hour away from where I live. So nowadays, it feels like I get no time for myself. I always carry a small notebook in my purse so I can write down anything that inpires me (words from a song, things people say or even lyrics from a song) so I can easily look back at it later and put things together.It's been really helpful, but feel empty and helpless if I don;t have it with me. It's always the first thing I realize thats missing if i happen to forget it. Whenever my boyfriend asks me what I"m writng, I say "I'm writing down ways to kill you." haha. But he respects and understands that I often like and need to write things down when I think of them. He's only read a few of my poems, but not all of them. I even wrote him a few for an anniversary and he's kept them in a box. Though he never looks back at them, but still...

[Emily Irene.]

I'm the same way; I have a notebook a good friend's cool hippie dad gave me to fill up. I have that, and a more personal journal for stuff I wouldn't want to read to that guy, although I'm pretty honest. But anyway I was listening to music and writing down lyrics, then they'd remind me of something an ex-good friend of mine said: "Ignorance is the true global commodity." So I'd write that down. The friend's dad said I could write whatever I wanted - my poetry, journal entries, scribbles, quotes, lyrics, even drawings or paintings if I felt like it. I always have a journal or notebook with me because its always been the very few times I've actually forgotten to bring one with that I ended up needing it more than usual.

[I Am Svetlana]

Funny, my best friend was recently cleaning out her room and i noticed a package of small notebooks and I was asking if she needed them, she was like "no, go for it. Take them." I was so happy...and my other best friend gave me more small notebooks cause she knows how much of a writer I am and how much writing has helped me. I've given her binders of my work and she's really enjoyed my stuff. She's the only person I've showed my work to. She doesn't write, but she keeps a journal and reads every now and then. She also works a lot and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend and other friends that she doesn't get to see so much.

[Emily Irene.]

I like small notebooks. [:

[Brian Csati]

I appreciate the depth of this poem, as I see it comes from a personal experience. This makes it all the more appreciable. I also want to put emphasis on the word "edge," which this poem delivers.
This makes for a quality experience for the reader.

-Brian Csati

[Emily Irene.]

I appreciated your review because you were professional-sounding while still delivering what seems to be an honest and well-worded one. I like your use of the word "edge," because if that's all anyone ever says about my poetry, it will always mean a lot to me. I like artists - writers, illustrators, painters, musicians - that give me something as part of that "edge" you speak of. Maybe I've been more influenced by their work than I'd thought.

[Relic]

I've had them before and know what they feel like. Your ending says it all. Well done.

[Emily Irene.]

They're hellish, aren't they? Thank you for the review.