Fire, Fog, Water

About my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend.

I reach out, rest two fingers on the bone jutting out of the side of his wrist, the one I've searched for on my own wrists to no avail. I look at his straight white teeth and remember the feeling of the sedative the dentist gave me when he tried to make mine match. I feel eyes on me when we walk, my imagination running wild with the negativity I feel everyone is throwing out.

Weeks and months slide off the calender. I show him more of me, sides I reserve for those I know I can trust. The past screams at me but when I look into his eyes music plays. I find my confidence growing. Other boys talk to me and I wonder why they're looking now. A friend tells me its because I carry myself differently, and I know she's telling me that the passion is making me hold my back straight, that the intensity is making my smile brighter. That the romance has infiltrated my body.

I spent my life looking for something but never knowing what it was. Walking through the fire, squinting through the fog. Always finding it hard to find the strength to hold my head above the waves coming my way.

Now I feel made of water:
I can put the fire out before it touches me,
slip through the fog unnoticed,
become one with the waves.

Reviews

[Tina]

What a transformation! And that last stanza speaks particularly to that. :)

[Emily Irene.]

Thank you! I already wrote a poem I titled "Transformation" or this would've been called that, possibly. I'm no longer with this boyfriend - we were together almost two years - but I still love what I wrote.

[Tina]

That's the beauty of the written word. It withstands the test of time and truth and transformation are a part of a personal journey. I'm glad the break up didn't tarnish the memory of the origins of your journey to becoming a confident and inspiring woman.

[Emily Irene.]

If there's one thing I'm grateful for, it was that in his kindest moments he helped me learn to love myself in a way I didn't before he loved me. I've often heard people say you can't love someone until you love yourself but I think there are some people out there that need reassurance before they can begin to do that. He also gave me a boost in my self-esteem that never really went away, even though our relationship ended in an ugly way. Its one of my few relationships that, while I believe it went on longer than it should have, I don't regret it at all. Enough positive came from it - as you can tell from this poem - that it was worth all the pain. And I'm now in a relationship with a guy who liked me when I was with the boy this poem was written about and I think that my increase in confidence and self-esteem had a lot to do with him falling in love with me, because I know confidence is sexy.

[Tina]

Funny you should say it went longer than it should have but you don't regret it at all. I have someone that pops into my head instantly and it makes me wonder if I could say the same. I was introduced to my husband through my ex and I wouldn't trade him (my husband) for the world but I definitely stayed with that ex longer than I should have. I still don't know that I've forgiven myself for that, though I've worked on it. It would behoove me to follow in your footsteps and figure out just what I gained, by way of my own self improvement, from that last relationship. Betrayal is such an obstacle... and it's funny: I guess I've forgiven him because I bare no ill will towards him and I can remember and still tap into and feel how special he was to me but then I just think about how wrong I was about him and I'm still disappointed in myself that I didn't know better. Well, I might have known better- disappointed in myself that I didn't DO better. I definitely wasn't taking care of myself back then and someday I'll need to forgive myself. Really seems like I should be able to forgive myself since I forgave him, but I hold myself to a higher standard than I ever held him :) Thanks for the inspiring words. I look forward to trudging through some of my buried past, in the name of self-actualization :)

[Emily Irene.]

That's so interesting you have a story so similar to mine. With time comes the knowledge and wisdom to know what you gained from the relationship - and I believe we all gain something from the ones that don't work out. Even if you don't feel like you gained anything, you learn from everything in life and relationships can teach more than almost anything else, so chances are you are a different person in your mind as a result.

[Tina]

Oh definitely a different person. I think what he taught me more than anything else is that your love for another person can light their path but only they can decide to actually walk down that path.

[Emily Irene.]

I definitely learned that with the one I wrote this about. You can show them the way but if they don't feel like taking that journey there's not really a damn thing you can do about it.

[Tina]

Lol. Nope. Very good lesson. Knowing that has served me well throughout the years! 😀

[Emily Irene.]

I'm still coming to terms with it because some people you just want to help so badly.