Chapter 7

    "It's not like it's forever. It's only temporary, Matt," she found herself saying. She was in another memory, in Matt's bedroom. But like before, by the time she realized it she was already losing herself in her role within the memory. "It's not you, it's me. I have to take some time and figure things out for myself. My entire life I've always depended on myself for my happiness. I've believed in that, make yourself happy before looking to anyone else for that. And all those a******s I dated before... It was how I was able to always bounce back. By reminding myself that I didn't need them, that I could be happy without them. But with you..."

 

    "With me it's different?" Matt demanded, his tone sounding angry but she could hear the hurt underneath it, the pain this was causing him. "Why is that such a bad thing?"

 

    "Because I feel like I'm starting to rely on you for my happiness. Like I'm becoming emotionally dependant on you, and that scares the hell out of me. If I lean on you for all my emotional needs, if I let myself need you like that... What if something happens Matt? What if you decide you don't want me? I fall apart. I know a lot of girls would think oh great, a love that's gotten that intense, let me jump right in. But that step terrifies me. I can feel how much I want to take it, how much I want to just cast everything else aside and need you, like warmth and oxygen, to the point where you're everything and the world crumbles without you. But I'm scared, Matt. Maybe it's because every guy before you hurt me. Maybe it's because I could never imagine that kind of attachment being healthy until I fell for you. Maybe it's because I just don't know how to handle that, those feelings. I don't know, that's why I need some time to figure it all out, to decide if I'm ready for that," Kat told him. She was doing her best to put her feelings into words and still it didn't come out sounding how she wanted it.

 

    "I need you, you know," Matt said, the anger gone from his voice, his eyes shifting to stare at the ground. "I'm already there Kat. In a way you can't imagine. I need you. You are my world. You're everything good in my life. I need how happy I am when I'm with you, how you make me feel. Without you... There's nothing. You are my everything. Rely on myself for happiness? I wouldn't even know what that means. You are my happiness. You are my love. And I need you."

 

    Kat winced. She knew he meant it, she knew this couldn't be easy on him, but this was for the best. Better for her to come to terms with her worries and her fears now then to freak out on him at some point down the road. "It's only for awhile, Matt, I swear. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you Matt, so much. It's not because I want someone else, it's nothing like that. I can't even imagine myself being with anyone but you, anymore. It's just something I have to figure out for myself. Please, Matt. Please understand."

 

    Matt slowly lifted his head to stare right at her, his face twisted with so many emotions she couldn't make them out. "I do understand, Kat, but my understanding doesn't change the fact that you're leaving me... I know you're scared, I know why you're making the choice you're making, but you don't have to make that choice! You can... Take a leap of faith. Trust in me. Say 'screw my fear' and dive in headfirst, and just trust that we'll figure things out as they come, together. That you'll find a way through it all, with me by your side. Put everything on the line and take a chance, because the life we can have together is worth it. Show me that you believe that, that the life we can have together is worth fighting for, is worth struggling for, is worth everything. Don't give in to the fear, and let it make you pull away. Fight. Fight for me."

 

    "Do you think I want to do this Matt? I hate it. I hate that it's hurting you. I hate that it'll mean I'll be apart from you for even one second. But it's for the best. In the long run, it really is for the best. I want my life with you to be perfect. I don't want this to come between us. I have to work on myself. I have to get to a place where I'm not afraid, anymore," Kat tried to explain.

 

    "Nothing is perfect, Kat. There are always problems of some kind or another. The test of a relationship is getting through them, together. And there's no such thing as a place where there's no fear. Being afraid is a part of being human. We can't erase our fears, we can only fight to overcome them. And what you're doing now isn't about overcoming your fears, it's about surrendering to them. You're giving in so you don't have to fight. So you can just sit back and contemplate them, so you can try to wash them away. So you don't have to take a risk. Am I not worth taking that risk for, worth fighting for?" Matt demanded.

 

    Kat sighed and shook her head. "You don't understand, Matt."

 

    "Yes, I do. What you're doing now is selfish. It's beyond selfish. You're not doing it for us, you're doing it for you. And you don't care what it does to me," Matt said flatly.

 

    "Of course I care, Matt. How can you say that? How can you think I'm only doing this for myself?" Kat asked.

 

    "Because it's true," he replied sadly, his voice dropping to a whisper.

 

    Kat sighed again. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she didn't think any of them was going to make a difference. "If you want to see it that way. It's not true, but I don't want to argue about it, Matt. I don't want to go into this with us fighting. In time, you'll see, I know you will. You'll understand. And one day, when we're old and gray, we'll laugh about this together."

 

    Matt raised his hands to the sides of his head, his fingers running through and then clenching around his hair. She could see those hands trembling, see fine tremors running through his entire body. "Kat... Please... Don't do this. Don't... Leave me. Please. I'm begging you... I need you. Without you... It's too much. Please don't."

 

    Kat could feel it tearing at her heart, seeing him like that. She wanted so badly to walk over and wrap her arms around him, and tell him everything was going to be ok. She wanted to give into him, just to take that pain away. But she knew she couldn't. "I'm sorry Matt. You know how much I love you. It's not like we won't talk all the time. It's not like we can't still be friends while I work on me. You're not just the boy I love, you're my best friend, and nothing is going to change that. You'll always be my Fox. It's just for awhile, and then we'll be together again, I promise."

 

    For just a split second Kat saw a look on his face, haunted, defeated, like someone who'd been through a war on the losing side, who'd watched their entire world collapse around them and was now trapped in the devastation left behind. It shook her to the core. "And if you lose me?" Matt whispered as his expression assumed a mask of neutrality, his eyes fixed on some point in the distance, not even seeing her anymore.

 

    Kat swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths, doing her best to push aside the feeling that had just hit her, to remind herself how intense their feelings for each other were, and why she was doing this. "I don't think that's possible. I don't think you could be with anyone else any more than I could. I know that you're the only one for me, Matt. I know that I don't want anyone else. And even when we're apart, that's not going to change. I believe you feel the same. That even when we're apart, I'll still be your Kitty. If I'm wrong... If you somehow find someone else... I guess I'll have to accept that. But I don't believe it's possible."

 

    Matt still wouldn't look at her, but his lips twisted into a horribly sad smile, as if there was something she hadn't thought of. Something he knew that she didn't. "I love you Kitty," he whispered, and then his eyes fell shut and he turned away from her. "Goodbye."

 

    "It's not goodbye, Matt. It's just see you later," Kat told him, but she felt the tiniest hint of doubt creep through her, she heard it in her voice. For one instant she wanted to take it all back, to scream out that she was sorry, that she'd made a mistake. But then the moment passed, and they both just stood there. Matt didn't say anything, he refused to look at her. And finally, after another moment, Kat turned and walked out of the room.

 

    At least that's what the memory of her did. But the future Kat, the one who now truly understood what Matt had meant when he'd asked about losing him, remained. At the time she hadn't even contemplated it, she hadn't even imagined that it was something he might do. But now, in retrospect, it was clear what had entered his mind in that moment.

 

    For several seconds after she left, Matt just stood there, trembling, as if not sure what to do with himself, but finally he sat down on the edge of his bed. As the first tears streaked down his face, his arms slowly encircled himself, his fingers clenching at his clothes in a self-hug that clearly gave him no comfort. The flow of tears quickly increased, and would've become outright sobs except that Matt made no sound. Behind the tears, the look in his eyes was desolation. Horribly, Matt's expression didn't crumble, it maintained that mask of neutrality, even as his tears became a river down his cheeks, even as his nose began to run. If not for those signs, and the look in his eyes, you wouldn't even know anything was wrong with him.

 

    Slowly Kat walked over and sat on the bed beside him, her heart aching more and more with every second she watched him. She tried to reach out, to take his hand, to lay a palm against his cheek, but her hands passed right through him. This was a memory, and she no longer had a place in it. "I'm sorry," was all she could finally whisper, bowing her head slightly.

 

    Then suddenly it was there, a sort of haziness behind Matt, like an afterimage that couldn't be blinked away. It didn't hold a firm shape, but the faint outlines gave the impression of a body, a face. Of another Matthew, sitting behind the first. For a second she wasn't sure if she was just imagining it, but then she heard his voice. It had an echoing quality to it, like it was being spoken from far away. Her eyes shifted quickly to the Matthew of the memory, but his lips weren't moving as he continued his silent weeping. The words could only be coming from the other one. "It was the worst moment of my life," were the words she heard, but they were spoken in a sort of thoughtful, unfocused voice. It sounded almost detached, not like Matt consciously commenting on the moment. Perhaps his subconscious? Or some part of him that simply reflected on his memories?

 

    "I tried to call you, the next day," Kat said hesitantly, not sure if he would hear or even understand her. "I tried to call you a number of times, after that. I tried texting. I tried e-mailing you. I wanted us to still be friends, to talk. I told you that. You never replied. Eventually I even thought about barging back into your apartment, I still had the key after all, but it... Felt like you didn't want me there. Why didn't you ever answer me?"

 

    "Because all your texts, all your e-mails, everything, were as a friend. You said how much you loved me in some of them, but none of them said 'I made a mistake, I want us to be together again'. Before we were together, I could've been your friend forever and never asked for anything more. But once I fell for you, I couldn't do it. And I knew I couldn't. I couldn't see you without wanting to kiss you. I couldn't be around you without wanting to hold you. I couldn't speak to you without saying how much I needed you back. I couldn't just be your friend anymore. And trying would only have made it hurt worse. I was in so much pain. I knew if I picked up the phone just once and heard your voice, I'd break down," Matt's voice echoed to her, still detached from the emotion of the words being spoken.

 

    "There was a part of me that expected you to chase after me. To try to convince me to change my mind, and ask me to come back. At the time... I wouldn't have changed my decision but... It still kind of hurt that you didn't try. I've seen how important I am to you, so why? Why didn't you?" Kat asked.

 

    "Because as much as it hurt me, I respected your decision, and your right to make it. I didn't want you to have to be with me if you didn't want to be. You should've learned that about me, after all these years. You saw how I was with other girls, back when we were just friends. I was willing to go up and ask a girl out, after all I'm the guy so I'm expected to make that move. After that, I've declared my interest, and it's in the girl's court. If she's interested, it's her responsibility to say so, and if she doesn't, I don't pursue it. I'm not one of those guys who'll keep after a girl and bug her and pester her to go out with me. I hate those guys, the type who refuses to take no for an answer. I'm not going to pressure someone to be with me who doesn't want to be. Because if they don't want to be there, then I'm just going to feel lousy for making them. It isn't my job to convince someone to like me. If you like me, great. If not, then I'd rather be with someone who does. And if a girl liked me but said no when I asked her out just to play coy or hard to get, I hated that even worse. I've always despised mind games, and if a girl can't be honest and upfront about her interest, she's not going to get a second chance, because I won't ask again.

 

    "I actually want to feel wanted. That was one of the greatest things about you. When you decided you wanted me, you showed it. No games, no messing around. You made it clear how you felt and were willing to put yourself out there hoping I'd feel the same. It's part of what always made you so amazing. You aren't the type to play games, so when you left, I knew you weren't doing it just to get me to chase you. You weren't doing it just to be pursued. Yours was an honest decision. I might not have agreed with it, but you had the right to make it for yourself. Whatever your reason, you didn't want to be with me, and I wasn't going to try and force you to. No matter how much your decision hurt me, if I couldn't respect it then I wouldn't have been worth being with anyways," some part of Matt said, the outlines alternately sharpening and hazing even further at different points while he spoke.

 

    It was true, while they'd never actually talked about it, he had exhibited that behavior before. Once in high school she'd seen him ask a girl out who, after saying no, then turned around and pursued him a few weeks later. It had been his turn to turn the girl down, and while Kat had always wondered why he had, she'd always been kind of glad that he had.

 

    "Why didn't you wait for me?" she finally pressed, her voice barely above a whisper.

 

    "Three months, Kat. Were you any closer to being ready than you were when you left?" the voice echoed accusingly.

 

    Kat just slowly bowed her head, closing her eyes. "No."

 

    "Not one of your texts or e-mails indicated you were, either.  You leaving felt more and more like it carried a weight of... Finality. And I realized I was satisfied with the life I'd already lived. I'd done most of what I wanted to. I didn't have any really big dreams. No visions of far away lands and cities I wanted to visit. I had no illusions of becoming Hollywood famous, or some big sports star. As smart as I was, I knew I wasn't going to make it big and get really rich, and even if I did the money wouldn't have had any real meaning for me. And my music... I played for myself anyways, so I didn't have some dream of making it big there either. The one really important thing that I wanted, I'd already gotten. I fell in love with you, I got to experience what real love is like. I got to be happy for awhile. To share that happiness with someone who really mattered to me. And that was enough, for me. I know people would say 'oh you're so young, you have your entire life ahead of you', but what would that life be like? There was nothing left in it I really wanted, except you, and I didn't have you anymore. I was so tired of fighting the pain, of having to struggle with it day after day, of being weighed down by it. Even if a medication or treatment were to somehow get me past it again, none of them would last forever. There is no fix for what's wrong with me. I would have to live in fear of a relapse, and if and when one happened I would have to go through this all over again. I just... Didn't want to spend another day feeling that way. I felt I'd suffered enough. That I deserved a rest, and the right to choose that for myself. Most people don't think about it, but they all have something to live for, some reason to go on. I didn't anymore. I just wanted it all to be over," that part of Matt explained.

 

    "I told you we'd be together again. I just needed time. If you'd just held on a bit longer..." Kat trailed off, upset and frustrated at the same time.

 

    There was a sigh that seemed to come from everywhere at once, and the lines of the hazy figure shifted, as if it was turning to look at her. "I just had no hope, anymore. I no longer believed."