Chapter 5

    "Quack quack quack quack," a bunch of ducks around her were saying. Some part of Kat recognized that she was in another memory, but her role in the memory seemed to consume her and wash everything else away.

 

    "They like you," Kat found herself saying with a smile as she watched Matt tear a piece of bread off the current slice he was holding and toss it to the ducks, who quickly scrambled to see which of them could get it first.

 

    "They like the food," Matt replied with a faint smile as he tore off another piece and threw it. "But I like watching them, so it's a fair trade."

 

    "Need another slice?" Kaitlyn asked as Matt threw the last of what he was holding. Lifting the bag she was carrying containing the rest of the loaf they'd purchased, she held the end of it open for him as he reached in to pull out another slice. Then he surprised her by quickly tilting his head in to press his lips softly and warmly against hers. It was a gentle kiss, and he let his lips linger on hers for several seconds before he pulled away.

 

    "Did you ever wonder what it'd be like to be one of them? No natural predators around, no worries or fears. People coming around to give you food. You can just lounge around all day with your friends. No stress, no cares," Matt questioned, his eyes fixed on the ducks as he threw pieces of bread to them.

 

    "Sure. But I sort of like kissing better as a human," Kat told him with a wry grin.

 

    "Yeah," Matt agreed, smiling faintly again. Then his attention seemed to be caught by one duck in particular. Kat noticed it too, its feathers a mottled gray with flecks of brown and black. It seemed to waddle a little slower than the rest of the ducks, whether because of age or a past injury, the others would brush past it or bump it out of the way, leaving it to get virtually none of the bread that was thrown. Matt began tossing pieces of bread slightly off to the side, leading most of the flock to rush towards them with the gray waddling behind in their wake. Then he'd quickly tear off another piece and throw it right to the gray, giving the duck a chance to quickly gobble it up before the others could run back. By the time the ducks finally began to wise up and a few started lingering behind to try to compete with the gray for the second toss, the gray had already gotten more bread than any other duck.

 

    "That was sweet of you," Kat murmured with a smile as she moved behind Matt and slipped her arms around his waist, pressing her face gently into his back and breathing in the scent of him.

 

    "I guess ducks have worries too," Matt remarked, and when she glanced over his shoulder she saw a thoughtful expression on his face. "When they're not fast enough, not strong enough. Just this one day, I didn't want that duck to have to worry."

 

   Maybe she was seeing a hint of why Matt had always been so good with animals. Cats, dogs, ferrets, they all seemed to love him. Kat had a friend named Christine with a cat called Snickers that seemed to hate everybody but Christine. When anyone got within five feet of the thing, it either ran away or hissed at them. Yet the one time she'd brought Matt with her to visit the girl, Matt had disappeared after the cat and five minutes later returned with it in his arms purring like crazy as he whispered softly to it. It was like animals could sense something in him, something they loved, the way she did.

 

    Kat maneuvered her head in to give the side of his neck a few soft little kisses. "There's something special about you," she finally whispered.

 

    Gently he turned in her arms until he was staring down into her eyes, his own arms slipping around her. "Whatever it is, it's yours, because I'm yours," he replied, the fingers of his right hand starting to play with her hair as the warmth of his grey eyes seemed to spread through her. "Always and forever yours, Kitty. Everything special in me belongs to you. I belong to you," he whispered, and then his head tilted down and they were kissing again.

 

---

 

    They were laying in bed together fully clothed, for the moment at least. Matt was snuggled up against her side, his left arm around her, the fingers of his right hand tracing random patterns along her cheeks and throat. "You're so beautiful," he whispered, his index finger drawing a little heart on her neck.

 

    She couldn't help smiling like an infatuated school girl under his attentions. Her right hand lifted to capture his hand in hers, pulling it in so she could gently kiss the tips of his fingers. "I love you," she whispered back, before moving his hand so she could gently rub her cheek against his palm.

 

    "You are my love," he murmured, before moving his head in to deliver soft kisses to her forehead, and then one to the tip of her nose, and then finally one more right to her lips. "My heart is filled with so much love for you, sometimes I'm afraid it might burst."

 

    Tilting her head up, she let her lips brush ever so softly against his in return, before her eyes sought out and locked onto his. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," she whispered.

 

    She saw him smile, such a beautiful smile. Then, pulling his hand from hers, he reached out to gently cup her cheek, his thumb tracing the outline of her lips. "Did you ever wish you could freeze a moment in time and live in it forever? Because everything you feel right at that second is everything you want to feel, until the end of time?" he asked quietly, his eyes never leaving hers.

 

    "I don't need to, because we're going to have a million moments just like this. We get to build our future, together," she told him.

 

    For just a split second a shadow crossed his features, of fear, of uncertainty. But then it was gone, and he smiled again. Slowly he tilted his head in, and his lips pressed ever so gently against hers. Their lips moved softly together, almost as if their brains were in perfect sync, and the warmth of it spread through her, and she basked in it, like sitting beside a crackling fireplace in winter. She could feel the warmth in him, the love, and she treasured it. When their lips parted with a soft smooching sound, she found herself sighing with contentment.

 

    "That's the future I want," he whispered, snuggling a little more tightly against her. "A future with you... It's the only future I want."

 

---

 

    Kaitlyn was so wrapped up in the memory, in the feel of Matt beside her, that she was unprepared when she landed with another jolt, causing her to stumble back and nearly fall over.

 

    "Are you ok, doctor?" a voice asked nearby, and Kat immediately looked over to find a woman in a white nurse's uniform standing behind a desk. Behind her was what seemed to be a reception/medical records area. It was hard to be certain though, as the lighting was dimmer than it should've been. It seemed like all of the light bulbs in the building were a hair from burning out.

 

    Kat started to reply, but then she caught herself as what the woman had said sunk in. Doctor? Kat took a quick glance around, but there was no one else nearby that the woman could've been talking to. Finally Kat just pointed to herself and asked "Me?"

 

    "Of course you, doctor. Are you alright?" the woman repeated, staring at her.

 

    "I'm... I'm fine," Kat got out, steadying herself. She took another, longer look at her surroundings, and didn't like what she saw. The hallways were all poorly lit, much like the Sheriff's Department had been in the town. The walls were all brick, painted a cold dull gray. A couple of the hallways leading away from where she stood had rows of sturdy stark white doors with barred windows meant to allow someone to view inside. "I'm in... A prison?"

 

    The nurse gave her a strange look. "You're in a secure psychiatric hospital."

 

    A psychiatric hospital that needed to tack on the label secure? That was close enough. "I'm supposed to treat the criminally insane," Kat muttered, more certain of it now.

 

    "We don't call our patients that, doctor," the nurse admonished. But it was enough to confirm that Kat had been right. Still, the feel of this place... It was off somehow. Kat had heard once that psychiatric institutions were the next best thing to prisons, but at least such places were still meant to help their patients. Here  even without looking in the rooms, even without exploring the rest of the building, she already got the feeling she was standing in a place meant to confine, not to treat.

 

    "I... I'm new here, right?" Kat hazarded a guess. Somehow, unlike in the other dream-places, she'd been given a role in this corner of Matt's mind as  a doctor. Perhaps Matt was beginning to subconsciously recognize her presence and adapt to it. But if she assumed it had created this role for her, it hadn't had much time to do so.

 

    "Yes, doctor, it's your first day. I'm sure you're feeling a bit overwhelmed," the nurse said, her expression relaxing, as if this explained the strange behavior she'd witnessed from Kat a moment before.

 

"Overwhelmed... Yes, that's it exactly," Kat agreed, nodding. "I uhm... Seem to have lost my notebook. Could you tell me what's next on my schedule?"

 

    "Sure, just one moment," the nurse said, turning to a computer on the desk, quickly typing something into the keyboard, and then clicking several times with the mouse. "Let's see... You seem to have a session scheduled with a patient named Matthew Ellison in ten minutes."

 

    "Matthew Ellison?" Kat found herself repeating, having to struggle to keep herself from smiling, at least she wouldn't have to go searching for him this time. "I remember now, that's it exactly. Thank you.," Kat told the woman, before hesitating as something occurred to her. "Uhm... Could you tell me which room the session is supposed to be in?"

 

    The nurse simply nodded and glanced back at the computer. "Looks like Thirty-Seven E. Down to the end of that hall, take a right, at the end of the next hall take a left, and it'll be a few rooms later on the left," the nurse told her, gesturing as she spoke. "A tech will bring the patient in as soon as it's time."

 

    "Thanks again," Kat remarked, before setting off down the hallway the nurse had directed her to. The dim lighting was a little unnerving, but Kat did her best to just ignore it as she made her way through the hospital until... There it was, just where the nurse had said it would be, the wall beside the door emblazoned with 37E.

 

   Taking a deep breath, Kat pulled the door open to reveal a room unlike what she'd expected. There was no comfortable sofa for a patient to recline on or anything like that. Instead it more closely resembled a police interrogation room. There were two chairs, neither of which looked very comfy, set on either side of a long table. At one end of the table was a notepad, pen, and what looked like some sort of audio recorder.

 

    Assuming those were for her, Kat checked the notepad as she sat down in front of it. So far as she could see, it was blank all the way through. After that it took her a minute to figure out the audio recorder, but once she had it down she discovered that it too was blank. Whatever doctor was supposed to have seen Matt before her had left her nothing to go on.

 

    After that she just waited nervously, counting the seconds. Finally the door opened and Matt was ushered inside, and this time he looked like himself. Right age, right features. It was as if he'd slipped out of his hospital bed and walked straight there. Except that, when he saw her, no look of recognition crossed his features. "I'll come get him when you're done," the tech who'd led him there said, before closing the door behind him.

 

    Matt was wearing neither jumpsuit, nor hospital gown, nor straightjacket. Instead it was like he was dressed for bed at home. Loose t-shirt and pajama shorts. The only real difference was he had these weird little socks on she'd never seen before. Slowly he walked over to drop into the chair across from her, a resigned look on his face. "So you're the new doc, huh?"

 

    "I am," Kat confirmed, turning on the audio recorder more because she thought she was supposed to than for any other reason. "Have we met before?"

 

    It was just a feeler, to see if he had any recognition of her at all, but it made him narrow his eyes a little as he studied her. "Odd question. No, I don't think so, doc. Why? Have we?"

 

    "No, I was just making sure," Kat brushed the question off. "So, Matthew. Do you know why you're here?"

 

    "You mean in the broader sense? Sure. What's the statute doc? I can be civilly committed against my will if I'm judged to be a danger to myself or others? I guess I qualify, don't I?" Matt replied, his tone bland.

 

    "And what did you do under the statute that led to you being placed here?" Kat pressed.

 

    "You doctors all want to hear me say it, don't you? I tried to kill myself," Matt told her.

 

    Kat's eyes widened slightly, but she tried to keep her feelings from showing on her face. So this part of Matt, this incarnation of him, knew what he'd done and thought that he'd survived and been put in a psychiatric institution as a result? "And do you anticipate being released soon, Matthew?" she asked.

 

    "What the hell are you talking about, doc?" Matt asked, confusion on his face. "I'm never getting out of here."

 

    Well, that was certainly interesting. Most psychiatric hospitals were there for crisis stabilization. They released a suicidal patient when they were judged no longer an imminent threat to themselves. And for that matter, no merely suicidal patient would be put into the kind of secure hospital meant for criminals. Somehow, in Matt's mind his suicide attempt had translated into a monumental sin, a crime deserving permanent commitment to a place like this.

 

    "Can you tell me why you tried to kill yourself?" Kat murmured.

 

    "Why does anyone try to commit suicide? The pain became too much," Matt told her, averting his eyes.

 

    "And how long did you experience it, this pain?" Kat pressed.

 

    "For almost as long as I can remember. Since I was a kid. It wasn't always so bad. It was easier to deal with, at first. But over time it got worse, and..." Matt shuddered slightly at the memory, a tortured look on his face. "It built up. It just kept building up."

 

    "Can you describe it for me? Can you help me understand what it was like?" Kat questioned. She wanted so badly to understand what he went through, why he never told her, why he'd done what he had.

 

    Matt paused for several seconds, seemingly trying to come up with the right words. "Say you had a one to ten scale for rating people's days, with one being a horrible day, ten being an amazing day, and fives and sixes being the average day for the average person. For me it was like the moment I woke up, two or three points got subtracted off the scale in advance. Average days were s**t. Good days were barely average. And amazing days flat out didn't exist for me, I was lucky if they were just good. And the bad days... The bad days became so bad they gnawed at you from the inside, until you felt empty, desolate. Lousy days were the norm for me, if I was lucky I could bring the day up to merely 'bleh', and any day I reflected positively on was a rare, rare exception.

 

    "It's not the intense temporary flash of pain you'd expect, like if a loved one were to die, or you found out a spouse was cheating on you, or something like that. It was worse, slogging through day after day where you feel miserable. It was like every day left a mark on you that never seemed to go away, like a weight on your shoulders that just kept getting heavier and heavier until it was crushing. Until you could barely breathe beneath it all. Until just the thought of having to go through another terrible day, of having that weight continue to grow, became so horrific that when you close your eyes to fall asleep at night you pray that this time the sleep will last forever, that you won't have to wake up in the morning, that you can live the rest of your life in a dream just so you won't ever have to get out of bed in the morning and experience another day. It eats at you, and eats at you. The more you bear it the harder it gets. Like it's breaking you down a little at a time.

 

    "And the stress. The stress is indescribable. Even normal everyday activities take on an element of fear. Because you're no longer at a point where if something goes wrong, oh well, you'll just deal with it. Instead it's like even one more problem, one more difficulty, no matter how small, would be enough to break the camel's back. And you don't know how you'll deal with it if it happens, you don't even know how you're dealing with all that you feel already, how you're surviving. And you're terrified of it getting worse. But you can't stop it, no matter what you do. Things do still occasionally go wrong, and it keeps getting worse. That's the worst part. That stress, that pain, it never goes away. It just keeps building and getting worse and worse. And you hope and you hope for just one minute of peace, one moment where you can just clear your head and breathe without all that weight on your shoulders, and you feel like if you just had that one minute to breathe it all might become easier somehow, but that minute never comes.

 

    "You keep trying and trying to cope, but it just keeps getting harder. And you lock it all away, because there's nothing anyone can say that's going to make it any better. Nothing that's going to fix it. But you know that if they know you're hurting, it's going to hurt them. They're going to worry about you, they're going to stress out and suffer simply because they know you're suffering. They won't be able to relax and enjoy themselves around you, knowing how you feel. They won't be able to be happy knowing you're so far from happiness. And they'll never look at you the same. It'd become all about your pain and your issues, every minute, all the time. When the truth is that having to think about your pain anymore is the last thing you want. So you  just hide it, because that's all you can do without letting your pain spread into others like some kind of twisted virus, without making things even worse. And you struggle to deal with it alone, even though you can't," Matt rattled on, almost as if he were talking to himself, never once looking directly at her.

 

    "But SNRI antidepressants worked for you a couple times, didn't they? They made things better for awhile?" Kat broke in.

 

    Matt smiled faintly and gave a short nod. "One for several months, the other a bit less, before I developed a tolerance to them. They made me feel... Normal, for awhile. And do you know what? It's amazing to me just how much people take that for granted. Just normal average days without the stress, without the pain. For me those average days were like being high, non-stop, twenty-four seven high. I was literally high on life, because until then I didn't even remember what it was like to feel good for more than brief periods at a time. I didn't remember what it was like to live without that weight on my shoulders, without that suffering. It was more wonderful than I can describe. Something every person should treasure, yet so few ever do. They don't understand what they have. The gift they have. There was a time I hated them for that, for having those normal days and not even caring. I guess part of me still hates them.

 

    "It wasn't like I thought it would be, though, when I finally developed tolerance and those normal days faded away. I thought feeling that way for a time would make the pain easier to bear, but it didn't, it was harder. Because then I knew what I was missing. I knew what it was like to feel the way everyone else did, and I wanted it back even more. I craved that normality, like an addict, but it wouldn't come. You know, there was a long time where I felt guilty just for the fact that I was hurting. After all, middle-class white boy, no major problems in life except one seriously fucked up chemical imbalance, why should I hurt so much, what do I have to complain about when other people live in such horrible situations and conditions. But after I experienced those normal days for myself, I became envious of those same people. Paralyze me from the waist down, chop off one of my limbs, leave me constantly hungry and thirsty, or living in poverty, if I can at least have those normal days back. Because at least then, no matter how bad things got, there'd be a bright side, and I could potentially be happy, could enjoy that happiness. Instead, for all that I had I was miserable, and I couldn't make that misery stop. There was no bright side for me, no happiness. And then I felt guilty for that envy. It just lead me to the realization that... You can't truly know someone else's pain. That no matter how good or bad their circumstances may be, you can never really understand what's going on inside them," Matt explained.

 

    "And there was nothing else that helped you to deal with it, to bear it?" Kat asked.

 

    Matt paused again, once more seeming to think about what he was going to say, a variety of emotions crossing his features. "There was a girl. My friend, my best friend. Perhaps, of all the friends I've ever had, she was the only one that felt truly real, beneath it all. I probably would've attempted suicide years ago, if not for her. There was so much about us that was alike, so much that was the same, except for that pesky chemical imbalance. But being with her, talking to her, sharing parts of my life with her... For a time, it would help me not to think about how I was feeling, to forget what I was going through. Spending time with her made it all just a little more bearable. It didn't lessen the weight bearing down on me, but it made me just a little bit stronger, restored just a touch of my endurance, so that it wasn't such a struggle. She made me want to keep fighting it."

 

    Kat had to stop for a moment just to breathe. So she had helped him, somehow. Being with her had made things easier on him, however slightly. That gave her some comfort, at least. That their friendship had been a positive thing in his life. "But you never told her about what you were going through?"

 

    "No. How could I? She was happy, doc. She had the normal life I wished for. And she cared about me so much, I know she did. What right would I have had to take even a piece of that away from her? To put some of the weight I felt on her shoulders, and drag her down with me? I didn't want her to feel my pain, to suffer with me. I wanted her to be happy, to see that happiness in her, the radiance of it. I know she would've tried to ease my pain, she would've tried to carry that weight with me, and I wouldn't have been able to bear that, watching her suffer for my sake. I wouldn't have been able to bear seeing pity in her eyes when she looked at me. I wanted her to have what I couldn't," Matt replied, pain etched in his face.

 

    It should've been my choice, Kat wanted to say, you should've let me make that decision for myself. Maybe I would've wanted to bear it all, if it would've helped you even just a little. But she didn't say it. That's why his mind had given her the role of a doctor, she now realized. He wasn't ready to know who she really was. "So why are you willing to tell me all this, now?"

 

    "Because it doesn't matter anymore doc. I'm never leaving this place. And you... I'm just a patient to you. My pain isn't going to burden you. I'm just one more broken thing for you to try to fix. That's your job, right? So why not open up? It's not like it's going to make any difference," Matt told her.

 

    "Alright, setting that aside for a moment. Tell me more about this girl, about your relationship with her," Kat prompted.

 

    "I'd be lying if I said the thought of us becoming something more never crossed my mind. But it wasn't something I expected or was waiting for. It's just that we were so close and so much alike I couldn't help but wonder sometimes. Every relationship I had wound up eventually falling apart because in the end... No girl compared to her. Deep down I was searching for someone I could be as close to, could have that kind of connection with, and no other girl lived up. But don't get me wrong. I wasn't secretly hoping that the friendship would turn romantic. I honestly didn't seriously think it would ever happen. I didn't even think I was her type. She was my friend, and I was fine with that, I didn't need to ask for anything more. I would've been satisfied being her friend for as long as she would let me. But then one night... She made the first move. And I can't tell you how much that terrified me. I felt like as a friend, she'd be there forever, always be there for me, and nothing could separate us. But as something more... What if things didn't work out? She might never break up with her best friend, but her boyfriend? That was a different story. I was hesitant, at the time I didn't think she was thinking clearly. But the next day... She took that first step again. And as scared as I was... I realized that I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything. She'd always been the one person I could truly count on, I wanted her to be the one. She was the only one who truly felt right.

 

    "And being with her... It was magic. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was able to have real moments of happiness without the help of medication. Don't get me wrong, it didn't fix everything, not even close. My chemical imbalance was still very much there, and unlike those periods with the SNRIs, a relationship didn't temporarily correct that. But what it did do was give me moments, moments where I was with her, when I was so focused on the two of us, so lost in being with her, that for a brief time I didn't hurt.. And even when we weren't together, there were times when just thinking of her, thinking of spending time with her, could make me smile. Nothing else could do that. Moments with her were moments worth remembering, moments worth treasuring, as opposed to memories shoved out of my head so I wouldn't have to remember. Those moments, that time with her, made the rest of it bearable. Even when I was hurting, even when I was suffering, I'd just think about the next time I would be able to be with her, and it'd give me the strength to push through it. I started thinking that even if I never found another medication that worked, that I could deal, that I could make it through the rest of my life, just so long as I had her. Just so long as I could look into her eyes, and tell her that I loved her. She would make life worth living. She quite literally became my reason to go on..." Matt trailed off, bowing his head.

 

    "Then what happened?" Kat asked, but she knew the answer. She knew what he'd say, even though she still needed him to say it.

 

    Finally Matt lifted his head and looked right at her. And he smiled, but it was the saddest smile she'd ever seen. So lonely, so hopeless. "She left me," he whispered.