Chapter 3

    The next thing Kat knew, she was standing on a small path beneath a moonlit sky. Behind her she could hear the faint sound of waves crashing, could smell a hint of salt on the breeze. One glance back was enough to confirm that in the distance, the path behind her led to the ocean. The sandy shore ended about halfway between her and the water, giving way to tufts of grass and then, just past where she stood, to groves of trees. She found her eyes riveted to the ocean itself though, and her breath caught as she stared. Beneath the moonlight, the deep blue waters were sparkling like diamonds. It was as if there were thousands of gemstones floating along the surface, each of them catching the light as they rode the waves and tossing it back out in a hundred different directions. She'd never seen anything like it. She'd seen the ocean at night before, but it was nothing like this. Not only did it not sparkle, but the waves were tinted more of a blue-green than the deep dark blue she saw beneath the surface of the shimmering water here. No, this was more the ocean of some fairy tale, a place of magic and mystery, that the real version paled in comparison to.

 

    Next her eyes were drawn up to the moon, and it was no less shocking. Not only was it full, but it was closer than she'd ever seen the moon before. Closer than it ever could be without catastrophically altering Earth's tides. But this wasn't Earth. Here the moon was close enough that she could see its shape, see its ridges and mountains and valleys. Could almost feel the peaceful nature of its light as it shone down on her. It was remarkably beautiful.

 

    And around the moon, the stars... Oh, the stars... Not only were they plentiful, but she could see their colors, as vibrant and brilliant as if they were a heartbeat away rather than untold light-years. Deep and softer blues. Fiery reds and oranges and yellows. The near-white grays. And then, colors she knew no real star could ever be. Majestic purples and violets. Calming greens in shades ranging from lawn to hunter. She even made out a few pink ones. She'd never seen anything like it. It was more like an artist's painting than a true night sky. She felt like she could stare at it for hours without ever losing the wonder of it.

 

    When she was finally able to pull her eyes away, it was like she saw the area around her in a new light. The way the grass moved ever so slightly in the breeze. The shape and placement of the trees and their leaves. The colors. It was almost too perfect. Even the air around her was just cool enough to be refreshing without crossing into the cold of discomfort. If someone had told her that places of magic were real, and that this was what they looked like, she'd have believed them without a second's reservation.

 

    As dark and shocking as the castle had been, this piece of Matt's mind was beautiful beyond description. It touched her in a way she couldn't describe. She almost wished she could wrap it all up in a package with a lace bow and tuck it safely away in her heart to keep forever. It was a reflection of everything amazing she saw in him, of the beauty of his heart and mind. She could only hope that she had places inside her that looked just like this.

 

    Fighting an impulse to just stand in that spot and take it all in for hours, or days, or even months, Kat finally set off down the path before her. She still had someone to save, and the path was her best bet to finding him. She didn't know what had happened to the castle. She hadn't managed to help Matt, she was sure of that. It was like the sight of her in pain had been too much for him. Maybe that had been what jarring his awareness was like. It had disrupted everything so severely that his mind's eye had been forced to turn elsewhere. It was still hard for her to believe he'd hidden so much for her. Not just his insecurity and hatred of himself, but that single most important of things... But then, had he told her, would it have made a difference? She didn't know, not for sure. But it changed nothing about how she felt now, how much she cared for him, and the quest she'd set herself on. It didn't make her want him back any less.

 

    She'd only been walking for a little over a couple minutes when the trees on her right gave way to a meadow. What drew her attention wasn't the sight and smell of dozens of different flowers. Nor the taller grass which seemed to take on a faint blue tinge in the moonlight. No, it was the fox and cat playing in the meadow, tumbling together and taking turns chasing each other. "Neko-chan and Kitsune-kun," Kat whispered softly to herself, staring. It had been their nicknames for each other, after they started dating. He'd been her Fox, and she his Kitty. Her name had naturally given way to the nickname, and his sharp mind and quick wit had made a fox seem like the perfect name to give him in return. Then one day they'd been watching an anime series together that had included a fox, and she'd found the Japanese word for fox so cute she'd called him by that instead, Kitsune. After that, they used the Japanese version of the nicknames almost as much as the English.

 

    The cat and the fox seemed so happy, playing together. She could hear their soft yips and meows drifting to her as they leapt and bounded after each other, playfully pouncing on one another as if to say 'tag, you're it' before the roles of chaser and chasee would suddenly be reversed. Kat stood and watched them for several long minutes, her heart in her throat, before suddenly a butterfly rose from the meadow not far from the two animals. The butterfly was a bright silver, and actually seemed to glow in the moonlight. The kitty seemed to notice it first, but soon both she and the fox were chasing it together. The butterfly wasn't so high that they shouldn't have been able to catch it, but both seemed to delight in jumping just high enough so that when they reached for it with their paws they fell short by mere inches, both letting out more happy sounds as they bounded after it. And somehow, under those meows and yips, she heard faint human laughter blended into it. Her voice and Matthew's, laughing softly together, an undertone to the joyous animal sounds.

 

    Finally the butterfly rose higher in the night sky, its silver glow creating a trail like a little tail behind it. The fox after one last leap crashed to the ground not two feet from Kat, panting softly. The kitty followed with a pounce that landed her on the fox's back, gently pinning him down and beginning to lick the fur along his ears and the back of his head, more in what seemed to Kat like a gesture of love and affection than some bathing ritual. The fox let out one more happy yip, tilting his head into the cat's preening, and Kat had to close her eyes against the sudden welling of tears. When she opened her eyes, the animals were gone, but for a few seconds she still thought she could make out the sounds of yips and meows, and beneath that of her and Matt's laughter.

 

    It might have taken her minutes to compose herself and continue on afterwards, had she not heard his voice. Matt's voice. But it wasn't somewhere around her that she could see. And it wasn't calling to her in the distance. Rather it was as if it was flowing through the world itself, carried by the ground beneath her, by the grass in the meadow and the trees to her other side. Like the whole of space echoed with it. "Kat. Today I thought I saw you. Thought for a moment that I felt your presence. But then it was gone, and I was alone again."

 

    Without even thinking about it, Kat found herself walking along the path again, drawn onwards by his voice. She felt like the path must somehow lead to him, and every word, every syllable was urging her closer to him. "I keep writing these letters to you in my mind. Thinking the words I wish you could read, though I know you never will. But I guess there's some part of me that hopes someday I'll trap one in a bottle, and set it adrift across the ocean of time and space, and it'll find its way to you."

 

    Kat wanted to call out to him, to scream that she was here, that she could hear him, but she knew he wouldn't hear her, not yet. Instead she hurried her steps, taking longer and longer strides as she listened to him speak. To his voice talking to her, even if he didn't know she could hear him. She felt like someone who'd been starved of oxygen, and she was breathing in the sound of him as if it was full of the life-sustaining air she'd needed for so long. "I wish you could see this place, Kat. I think you'd love it here. There are pieces of me, spread out across this island. And there are pieces of you here too. I've seen them, where some pieces of us come together. And they're so happy that I can't help but just sit and let that happiness wash over me. And there are pieces of each of us that still wander the island alone, searching for the other. But I like to think that in time, every piece of me will find its way to a piece of you, where it belongs. I wish I could tell you that knowing that, when I see parts of us together like that, I finally feel at peace."

 

    Kat felt tears flowing down her cheeks, she wasn't quite sure when she'd started crying and she didn't want to stop. She'd seen it too, in the cat and fox in the meadow. She knew what he meant. "I miss you Kat. Always, every day. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of you. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see your face, and I think that maybe if I just reached out far enough, I could touch you again. And sometimes when I see pieces of you wandering here, and I hear them speak in your voice, it breaks my heart, because all I want is to hold you in my arms and hear you talk to me again. It wouldn't even matter about what. I'd listen to you for hours, for days, even if it was just about the weather, just to hear your voice."

 

    Kat found herself nodding as she cried. She knew what he meant. She'd felt the same many times as she'd sat by his bedside in the hospital, holding his hand and staring at his sleeping face. The desire just to hear his voice again, to be touched by it the way it touched her now. She was stumbling now, running along the path even though her tears made it hard for her to see. But she knew she wouldn't fall, not so long as she could hear him. "I wonder if you're thinking about me as often, and it makes me want to say... I'm sorry, Kat. I'm sure this has hurt you in ways I can't imagine. And I wish more than anything that I could take that pain away. Hurting you was never what I wanted. I was weak. It was my weakness and my selfishness that caused this. I know that. I knew it even then. I wish I could have been stronger for you. That I could have been better. I'm sorry that it was... Too much for me."

 

    She didn't need apologies, she needed him. As trees and hills and more grass flew past on either side of her, all she wanted was for him to keep talking, to keep leading her onwards, until she could throw herself into his arms and maybe, just maybe, for the first time in months, feel like everything in the world was right again. "Maybe this island is some kind of purgatory. Or maybe it's the closest thing to heaven that I deserve. But wherever it is, I'm glad that I was able to carry some part of you in my heart, and bring it here with me. That I can know that at least somewhere in the universe, there are places where we're together. Even if it's only bits and pieces of us. I love you, Kat. I know I told you a million times, but it can't be said enough, and there aren't words to convey the truth of that feeling. So I have to settle for those three words, and hope they mean as much as to you as they do to me. I love you."

 

    Purgatory? Heaven? He thought... He thought he was dead, he didn't know he was still alive. He didn't know he could wake up. If only she could get to him, could tell him. And could scream until her voice gave out that she loved him too. "I wish that just once more I could look into your eyes and say that to your face. That I love you. I wish that we could kiss one last time. I think that, above all else, is my one true regret. Not getting to spend one more minute with you. But one minute would never be enough. I know that. I'd want more, I'd always want more. I could never get enough of you. Being with you was intoxicating. You were my addiction Kat. One touch, one taste, one note of your voice, one look from you was enough to draw me under your spell, every time. You're magic, and you made the world magical just by being in it. I miss you, Kitty. My Kitty. I'll always miss you. Your Fox, Matt."

 

    She could hear his voice fading, could feel it fading from the world around her. NO! Not yet, just a little longer. Putting everything she could into one last burst of speed, Kat charged forward along the path, barging through one last dense crop of trees and coming out into an opening. A cliff, the path dead-ended at a cliff. And there, standing at the edge of the cliff, was Matthew. For one second the moonlight caught his profile and shone over his face, and he seemed to shine with it, like it was filling his skin and shining out in a beautiful radiance.

 

    Time seemed to slow as he turned towards her, a sad smile on his face. She felt almost like that moment, the image of him framed against the cliff's edge in the moonlight, was burning its way into her brain. And then he was gone. She could see a number of small objects falling where his body had been a second before, clattering to the ground. But she'd been too late. Too late to reach him, too late to talk to him. Only to hear him.

 

    Numbly she walked to the cliff's edge, to where he'd stood just a moment before, and she knelt by the objects she'd seen falling. There were small piles of them on the ground, little round circles. Pills. She knew what they were, by the shape, the color. She'd seen them before. Antidepressants. Tricyclic antidepressants. "Why Matt?" she whispered softly, reaching out with one hand, her fingers brushing against a few of the pills, which felt all too real. All in all, there were several dozen of them laying there. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you do it?"

 

    Finally, impulsively she scooped up a handful of the pills. Rising, she cocked her arm back and took one last step, until her toes were a scant inch from the empty space beyond the cliff, before flinging the pills out into the air beyond as hard as she could. And as they fell, something happened. For a split second, Kat thought she glimpsed the lights of some kind of village in the distance, but before she could be sure the ground beneath her seemed to vanish, and she was once more falling.