Dreamland

the sequal to Loveland.

The daisy tickles my nose

As your heartbeat slows

 

And the trees that we planted

Just a few years ago

Have grown to full height

But no one we'll show

 

Because this is our own world

Here inside my head

Our own world

As I dream inside my bed

Author's Note

constructive critisim plz!

Reviews

[Gregory H.]

I think I agreed with the last reviewer...It had life but no flow...(it was blocky...lol...) A way you could fix this is by every other line have a rhyming word...for example...instead "our own world"...try "A place of our Abode"...It comes out more poetic sounding and means almost the same thing...plus it helps the flow...Hope this is helpful...God Bless.

[snapstache]

i hate to be pessimistic, but it didn't flow very well to me...i'm not sure how to fix it...

[cheeeeese]

I have no constructive criticism to offer though. ;) Again though, you can say alot in not that many words, and I loved the surrealism in this piece. I especially loved the last stanza, I think it really summed it up wonderfully.