The Stars In My eyes

A short little story about a girl living in new york trying to follow her dreams even when everyone else tells you other wise.

Looking out my window pane to the world so wide it blows my mind. In the night sky the stars shine bright. I touch my hand to the window. Wish that if I opened the window and stood on a chair that i could run my hands over the stars. Brush them with my fingertips. Would the sky ripple like Grandmother's pond that I swim in? Would it be hard and strong like the rocks my brother throws in the river? 

This I can say was my first real thought. I was four years old. I feel that for a four that is very deep. You might wonder why I remember it all so clearly its because I still dream about these words. after a long hard day when I feel beat down and just want to sleep my life away these words come back to me. they hold me in their arms soft and strong like your mother's when she rocked you to sleep. They come like a song on the morning birds wings to call me up. 

When I get back from work and ask my self why I do all of this I walk to the window and put my hand to the cool glass.It reminds me why I am here. Why I put up with so much. When He kisses me but makes it clear that if I step out of line I will be sent back. He does love me in his own way. As long as stay the girl he wants me to be. So I act sweet and never step out of line. " show you have a mind but do not push it. its the thin rope to walk up if you can then you can have all you wish for baby" is what he tells me in the car on the way to one of his parties. As he speaks I stare at the stars. 

When i was seven i liked to think that the stars were the souls of dreamers looking down on us. The eyes of dreams.

I believed so much in this that I told everyone I knew. Even my mother who quickly told me I was a silly girl who should be doing my homework instead of making up nonsense about stars.

My mother never believed in dreams. she thought that hope was silly. she thought that stars were just another part of nature. something that " humans turned in to a big deal because they were bored and had nothing better to do". Mother was hard working and felt that anything that was not work was most likely a huge waste of her and my time. 

She and I do not talk much now. She says its because she hates New York and that its hard to hear me on the phone because of all the "people".But she does not believe that I could be a actor. 

And though I get people judging me and telling me I dreamed to big, when I look at the stars I feel like I have just gotten started. That I could dream even big and reach even farther if I just tried harder. 

But its hard to when the world beats you down. I think that some times I'm just not made right. Am I crazy? Do I think to highly of my self? I am I really better than her? Maybe I'm not pretty enough? 

But when I look at the stars or when I am on stage I know that there is no where else I should be. Why can't I dream just a little bit bigger. Why do I have to play by everyone else rules. no one great in this world became great by doing and being just like someone else. If they can do it why can't I? Why do they get loving looks from the world while all I see is the glare and the nod. If you have never seen the nod then let me take this time to tell you what it is. when you walk up to someone and are chatting they mostly ask you what you do for a living and when you answer " I'm an actress" you will feel them get a little cold they might take a step back and then they give you what they think is a kind nod- but really its a I-see-that-you-are-just-another-fame-w***e-that-I-wish-would-get-a-life-and-move-on. A lot of thought and feeling go in to that nod. 

But tell me who in this world has the right to tell me to stop dreaming? I am not hurting my self or anyone else am I? so why does it make me less of a human being? Why is it bad to look at the stars and be filled with hope? Is it not better for me to dream than to be doing drugs? better that for my dream I work hard than be a mother of two who is also a have drinker? So why do I get judged in such away?

These are things I may never know the answer to. But at night or in the bathroom when I break and can not keep the tears from falling I hash my self with my biggest hope and dream one that no one will ever know or tell me its wrong. 

the dream that someday when I die I will be a star. the guiding light for someone else.That i will be their night lullaby when the world is cold and cuts them down. That i will spend forever shining bright and touching lives the way I never could when I walked the earth. 

That maybe someday the sight of me as a star will stop another from crying so that they can make a wish on me and i can make it come true. 

That I will have Stars for eyes. 

Author's Note

Please feel free to give me your whole thoughts and feelings on this. and if you have any questions please do go ahead and ask this was just some free writing I did that I thought I might share to see what fellow writers think :)

Reviews

[speckledbyrd]

1st line- windowpane is one word, 5th line- i'm guessing you meant "for a four year old" Other than a few other grammatical/punctuational errors this was LOVELY. It was so sweet I swear I could hear some sad song playing in the background. Beautiful.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

This is definitely a nice piece to read. I enjoyed the tone of hope and the subtle rebellion in the inquisitive narrator pervading throughout. You have a lot of creative thought birthing from the stars

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