Cancer

Chapter 1

He awoke to the sound of laughter outside his doors. It was the twins, Heroin and Ecstasy, giggling over something again. “Silly girls would laugh at their own hands if it suited them,” he thought. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there, his head in his hands, thinking about the night before. Sadness and desire, love and concern, a need and a fulfillment. It had all happened so fast but he knew it was right. There was no other way. There could be no other way and there could be no other person. “Perfect,” he thought, smiling to himself. He had always thought love to be the realm of mortals and his weaker minded colleagues but here he was, stricken by it. Hopelessly and without doubt. He didn't care. For the first time in his existence, he felt happy. 

His given name was Gerard Hollis but it was a name that he allowed only one person to call him and, reluctantly, the mortal realm on the occasions that he had to blend into their society. To everyone else and to the world at large, he was known by the name he much preferred and the name that was more apt. 

They called him Cancer. 

Still, in this room, all done in black and white, he was Gerard. They were all like that. Everyone had names besides the ones the mortal realm knew them as and so it was Gerard who got up and crossed the room to the shower, Gerard who combed his hair, and Gerard who stood in front of the mirror inspecting himself after he had dressed. 

“Very well,” he thought. He was a beautiful man and he knew it. He also knew that he invoked fear and respect by mere virtue of his presence. Every girl who had ever gazed upon him wanted him as did some men. Only one person had ever had him though and that had happened the previous night, surprising them both. He was 6'2” and thin. He had blond hair, almost to the point of being white, that he kept cropped close to his head but still long enough to require a bit of maintenance. There was never a strand out of place as he would not allow it. Mortals were useful for some things and, in his mind, hair products were chief among them as was the black eyeliner he wore to darken his hazel eyes.  His hair color matched perfectly his flawless porcelain skin tone yet stood in stark contrast to his self imposed uniform of a jet black suit over a jet black dress shirt with a tie that varied between black with white stripes to white with black stripes. It was an image that he had spent much time cultivating and he had missed nothing. From his shoes (always impeccably shined) to his belt to his cuff links, he was pristine. His nails were perfectly manicured and his eyebrows were perfectly groomed. In another place in another time, they would have called him a dandy but he was all man and he knew it. His only concessions to personality were the pin he wore on his lapel that read, “Everything Gives You Cancer” and the silver band he wore on his right ring finger. He had no idea where he had gotten it. It had just always been there and he had always felt incomplete without it so he wore it. He was hard to read and he liked it that way. He looked to be about 25 but then, he had looked to be about 25 for as long as time had existed. He had no idea whether he'd had parents or a childhood or a family and had long ago forgotten his actual age. He didn't question such things. It wasted time and he saw no point in asking questions to which answers could not be found. 

He left the mirror, crossed the room to the side of the bed and crouched down to look at the face of the inert form that was sleeping in it, clutching a teddy bear and curled into a ball.  He sighed as he looked down and a wave of sadness hit him. Not sadness for himself but for the one person, the only person, that he had ever loved. He knew that he could confess his love but he also knew that his words would not, could not, be believed by the one to whom he wanted to confess them. It hurt him deeply to know that he was so happy while his lover could not, and could probably never, be. “There has to be something I can do to fix this,” he thought, but it was a problem that would have to be solved another time as it was getting late and he was needed at work as was the one who slept in his bed. He stared down another moment, happily remembering the completeness he felt at having his arms wrapped around this splendid, sleepy creature and reluctantly decided he had to give a wake up call. He dreaded doing so because he knew that upon waking, his lover would once again be plunged into the pit of despair but what choice did he have? Sleep didn't seem to be an escape from it anyway. Not for this person.  Never for this person. It made him sad to think that. He sighed and resigned himself to being the catalyst to misery. 

“Rise and shine, beautiful,” he said. 

“Don't lie to me,” said a pair of big, brown eyes from beneath the sheets. 

“Lie to you? I have not lied to you.” 

“I'm not beautiful.  I know it.  I could never be anything good.”

“You are beautiful to me. You are the most beautiful, exquisite thing that I have ever seen.  You do know that I care a great deal for you, yes?” he asked. He wanted to say “I love you” but not yet. Not yet.  It was much too soon to admit such a thing.

“Why are you making fun of me, Gerard?” 

“Why do you refuse to believe me?” he asked as he brushed long, dark strands of hair out of his lover's wide eyes. 

“B-because! No one ever cared about me and you never cared about no one! You said so yourself so why should I be the first?” 

“Anyone,” he corrected. 

“Huh?” 

“'No one ever cared about me and you never cared about anyone not no one.'  Speak proper English and it will show the world how intelligent you are. I know how intelligent you are so everyone else should know it as well, correct?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and smiling.

“But, I'm not smart!” 

“You are brilliant. Brilliant and beautiful. And so what if no one ever cared about you and I never cared about anyone? It only means that this will be a new experience for us both. Like last night was. Speaking of... what are you doing?” he asked as he watched the brown eyes disappear beneath the sheets. 

“Last night was... I never.... did that before. It... it was nice,” said a meek voice from beneath the covers.

He smiled. This small concession was so much more than he could have dared hope for. He chose his next words carefully before finally saying, “Yes. It was nice. I had never done it before either. It was our first new experience together. Perhaps we should do it again some time.  Soon? Very soon? Perhaps tonight?” 

“Y-yes.” 

“Did I hurt you at all? I am sorry if I did. It will be better next time. Less pain, I am sure. I have heard that the first time always hurts a little,” he said, looking down. He felt horrible that this was a question that needed asking as the last thing he had ever wanted to do was cause more pain to this ball of sadness before him but, well, it had to happen. 

“No. Not much. A little but not too much. It was... it was worth it.” 

“Good.  I am glad to hear that.”

 

“You're not picturing me naked, are you?” 

“What? No! I mean, I had not been before but now...” 

“Hey!” 

“I am only kidding,” he said, laughing as he wrapped his arms around the small body laying in his bed. 

“Please don't picture me naked, okay? I don't have a very nice body and I don't want you to regret it but you will.  I know you will.” 

“Your body is perfect and I will never regret it. I am a man of conviction.  Now come. It is nearly time for work and I want you to eat breakfast before it begins. They will be closing the cafeteria soon to get ready for lunch.” 

“Okay.” 

“For now though, I would like you to keep calling me Cancer while we are among our colleagues. That may change in the future but for now, we will call each other by our professional names while we are in the presence of others. Just to keep the talk at bay for a bit, yes? Is that alright with you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Very well. Now, I have got to go see Time before work this morning so I may be a bit late to breakfast if I make it at all. Have a great day and if I do not see you, we shall meet tonight for dinner in the cafeteria around half past 6. Acceptable?” 

“Yes.” 

“All right, then,” he said, getting up to head for the door. What he was about to say next would cement everything if successful but also leave him vulnerable. He had never been vulnerable before but he had heard about it from others.  He didn't think he would like it but still, this needed to be asked so he steeled himself against the fear of what pain a rejection would bring and opened his mouth to ask the question. “Um...” 

“Did I do something wrong?” 

“No. Not even a little bit. But, there is something I would like to know,” he began. He had a weird feeling all through his body. He had heard about this too. Nervousness. He hated it.  He stood still, looking at the floor and scratching at his palms.

“What is it?” 

“You...” 

“I knew I did something wrong! I knew it!” 

“No. You have done nothing wrong. I just wanted to know... if you,” he stopped, gathered his courage, and finally asked in the best way he knew how. “You... you will... you will be mine? Say yes. Please, say yes. I want to take care of you and protect you and see where this goes. Together. Quietly for now but more publicly once we are bonded completely. If we should become bonded completely, that is.   So, um... yes?” he asked, realizing he was on the verge of begging if that was what it took. He was ashamed of himself. He felt like the kind of weak person he hated. 

All he got in return was silence. He fought the feeling of nausea and stared into the big, brown eyes of his lover who sat in bed clutching a teddy bear tightly and looking completely shocked. He thought the silence would last forever and then, he heard it. A sound that was a word but not an answer. 

“Really?” 

“Yes. Really.” 

“Why me? You can have anyone so why me? I'm just... I'm just no good.” Tears threatened and one spilled out, hitting the teddy bear on the ear. 

“To you, you are no good. To me, you are perfection. No one has ever made me beg but I will if that is what it takes to make you mine. If you feel the same as I feel for you, please say yes,” he said before adding one more time, “Please.” He realized then that he was already begging. 

More silence. An eternity of silence. He sighed, immense with the weight of his failure to secure the acceptance of the one he loved, then headed for the door. His hand was on the knob when he heard it.  A response. 

“I'll just disappoint you.” 

“Impossible.” 

“I disappoint everyone.” 

“Not I.” 

“I will. I would hate that.” 

“You will not.” 

“I don't know how to be a couple.” 

“Neither do I. Would you like to learn how... together?” he asked one final time, holding his breath. 

“I... I would really like that. Yes.” 

“Y-yes? Well, yes it is then. We are... we are a couple.  A.... a couple,” he said, feeling the weight of the words in his mind and enjoying the way it felt on his tongue. He turned towards his bed, smiled, and ran to it. He looked down at those eyes again. Pleading eyes, really. Eyes that always seemed to ask to be loved, to be accepted. He loved those eyes and everything that went with them. “I will try to be a good boyfriend. I will be your shield the best that I can. I will try.” 

“Okay.” 

“Are you happy?” 

“With you, I am.” 

He smiled, stole a kiss, tweaked the teddy bear's nose, and ran out the door yelling, “Have a terrific day, beautiful!” before disappearing into the hallway. 

His lover sat alone, holding a teddy bear and crying into it's fur because this was more than happiness. This was pure happiness. The kind that only comes with a first and true love but the thing about happiness was that it always ended in tragedy. The bear became soaked with tears that feared the end of things that had hardly begun.