Tinder Island Chapter 5

Please see "Oak Island"

Chapter Five

I had washed my face and changed into comfy clothes by the time Ezra got home. He greeted me with a kiss.

“Did you have fun with Cheryl?”

“Yes. She has some lovely begonias.” 

“Anthony has taken over east coast shipping. Someone fucked up big time. Shipping was backed up in the entire region, people trying to buy goods and and no stock available. So he gets to clean up the mess and take the position himself.” 

“That's good. I think?” I was never sure if these lateral moves and company reassignments were good or not. I couldn't even remember who Anthony worked for. 

“It's great. He's got his foot in the door now. He's sure to move up after this. He'll get to transfer to Boston.”

He made it sound like getting transferred to Boston was a good thing. I liked Mantville. I didn't want to leave. I liked living in these quiet suburbs not far from Columbia's financial district. Lower cost of living, shorter commutes, less of the big city crime. I didn't want to live in Boston or Philadelphia or New York City. That's why I liked Cornell, located in Ithaca, NY. It wasn't a big city with all of the big city problems. 

Ezra had continued talking about Anthony's prospects while my mind wandered, back to my encounter with Leo. You couldn't really call it a conversation. We'd only spoken for a few minutes. That was enough. I looked at things through Leo's eyes. Here I was. I had come home with this stuck up a*****e, living a frou frou life, no time for old friends, then complaining about it. I wasn't one of them, I wasn't one of Ezra's crowd. I had to hide my business school pedigree, pretend to be something I was not. 

And it wasn't even that I liked the things this life brought me all that much. Sure, the food was better at Anthony's and Frances' party. They had a bartender mixing up martinis, catered side dishes. The drinks at least were far superior to Cheryl's home made punch, but I liked the punch better. At Cheryl's I could be myself and not pretend to be some Ivy League blue blood. I could have a mother who worked in a factory. I could be proud of my degree from Cornell instead of ashamed that I attended the business school. I could make friends, real friends. I could trust people here. Well, except Janine who was a congenital gossip. But she meant well. 

***

Thursday night, Ezra came home and found me in the sun room, quietly drinking mint tea and contemplating my situation. I had finally adjusted to the idea that my mother was dying and that I had choose to do something, and that not doing anything was choosing something. I was still afraid of that horrible ball of emotions, but that seemed under control at the moment.

I gave him an absent minded kiss on the cheek and drifted back into my thoughts. 

His hand on mine brought me to the present here and now. He was sitting next to me. He took my hand and asked me, “Are you thinking about your mother?” 

I nodded.

“If you ever want to talk, I'm here. It has seemed like you didn't want to talk, but if you do, I'm here.” 

I stated to cry. He put his arm around me and I leaned into his warmth and care.

“How is she doing? What are the doctors saying?” 

“I don't know.” I inspected my emotions about this. “I guess I don't care.” 

“I thought your Aunt was keeping you informed.” 

I shook my head.  “I haven't heard from Aunt Pam since before Labor Day.” 

“And you don't know how she's doing?”

“No.” I knew my apathy was hiding something else, but I didn't want to look and see.

“Cassie, you need to know. You need to know what the doctors are saying, you need to make sure she has a living will, you need to know when she will need to go into hospice.” 

I pulled away from Ezra and looked at him.

“Actually, I don't. I don't need to do any of those things.”

“But she's your mother.” 

“I cannot help that unfortunate fact. If she wanted a caring daughter, she should have been a loving mother.” 

“But--” 

I interrupted him. “No buts, Ezra. She is not my problem.” I got up. “I'm going to the park.” 

Once settled on my favorite bench, I returned to my thoughts. Cheryl's words kept coming back, again and again. Once she's gone, she's gone. Cheryl had also said, 'Talk to Leo.' That thought was like glue. He knew exactly how awful my mother was. People do things in front of children as if the children will not remember. But they do remember. They remember and they grow up into adults, and they make judgments. Leo saw, Leo was a witness. 

I didn't even know how to get in touch with Leo. 

I folded up these thoughts and put them away. I could get them out at another time. I did make one note: Get Leo's number from Cheryl. 

***

I met Cheryl at Marisol's at 11. She had snagged a booth and greeted me with a mimosa. The place was overflowing as usual. I ordered the eggs Benedict and we settled down for some serious girl talk. Cheryl had an idea for a new hairstyle for me. Her own hair was platinum now, sleek and very short. 

“I think I might get a wig while I grow out my hair. It can't get any shorter than this. The next step would be shaving. I might try a perm when it's long enough.”

After we had exhausted the topics of hair, clothes, food and men, I ventured to ask Cheryl for Leo's number. 

“Sure. I'll text it to you.” She seemed to have no intention of asking why I wanted his number. Unlike Janine, Cheryl was discreet and respected privacy. 

***

I decided to take Monday as a mental health day so I could call Leo without Ezra around. I tried at ten and got voicemail. I left a brief, uninformative message. Deciding to distract myself while waiting, I went to Netflix and chose Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My phone startled me when it vibrated against my leg at noon. I checked the number. Leo. I almost chickened out, I almost rolled it over to voicemail. 

I accepted the call. 

“Cassie?” Over his voice I heard knocking and banging noises. He must be at work. 

“Hi, Leo.” I didn't know how to proceed.

“What's up? Is something going on?”

What to say? “I, uh, wanted to talk to you.” I heard a grinding noise. “About my mother.” 

“What?” The grinding noise went on and I tried again, shouting my request. 

“Can I call you after work? I get off at three.” 

“Sure,” I shouted. 

He said something more, then disconnected. 

Buffy was not enough to distract me for three hours. I went to the gym in our apartment complex and got on the elliptical. I cued up my favorite playlist, starting with “I will Survive.” 45 minutes later Tina Turner was demanding respect as I slowed down and collapsed in a sweating heap. I was going to be sore tomorrow. 

Back in the apartment, I hauled down the shower curtain and put it in the washer. I got out fresh sheets and changed the bed. Mopped the kitchen floor. Scrubbed the kitchen sink. I was putting the shower curtain into the dryer when Leo called. 

“Hi, Leo.”

“Hi, Cassie. It's great to hear from you. How are you?”

“Not so great, actually. I wanted to talk to you about my mother.” 

“Cheryl told me she was not well. What's going on?”

What to say? “Do you think we might get together some time? It's sort of complicated.” 

A big rush of emotions swelled up at the idea of seeing him, telling him, talking to some one who would understand. I squashed the feelings down. 

“Sure. Tonight? Or I get off at three tomorrow. When would you like to meet?”

I wanted to meet tonight, right this second, but I had Ezra to think about. Ezra would not like this at all. 

“Could you get off work early? Say, two o'clock?” Ezra got home at about six. That would be plenty of time. 

“No problem, Cassie. Anything for you.” 

“This is sort of weird, Leo, but could we get together at your house?” I didn't want to be talking about this in public and there was Ezra. He could come home at any time.

“Let me give you my address.”

***

Leaving work early the day after taking paid time off was not the best thing to do, but I rarely took time off. So I left at one, when I normally took my lunch break. I didn't want to see Leo in my work clothes, after his comment about my dress on Labor Day. I dressed pretty sharp for work. 

Instead, I went home and changed into a casual dress, the green and white one I loved to wear on weekends when lounging about the house. Might as well be comfortable if you're going to turn your insides out and be a total emotional mess. 

I let my GPS direct me to his house. He lived in the historic district, in a small  house adorned with decorative wood work in curlicues and fan shapes. The front porch had a swing, and a trellis of climbing plants hid it from view. This would be a nice place to sit at night. I rang the doorbell. The front door had etched glass set in a solid wooden door. The glass might have been original to the house. 

Leo looked more like I remembered him from high school, in a t-shirt and shabby jeans. He was barefoot. Opening the door wider, he invited me in. Polished hard wood floors gleamed. His furniture was nondescript and functional, but he had a fantastic rug on the living room floor. He offered me a seat. 

“Cassie, it's good to see you.” 

I put my head in my hands. I couldn't prevent the tears spilling out and I closed my eyes. I felt Leo's hand on my shoulder. 

“Cassie.” I couldn't look at him. “Cassie, what's wrong?” 

“She's dying and I don't know what to do.” Leo rubbed my back while I cried. 

I finally looked up. “You know what she was like. You remember. How am I supposed to feel? Aunt Pam expects me to make peace with her, Ezra thinks I should take care of her, and I don't even want to be in the same room with her.”

“There's no one way you're supposed to feel, Cassie. And you don't need to do anything you don't want to do.” 

“You remember. Don't you remember? She was vicious. You would have thought I had chosen to be born just to make her life horrible. Like I plotted to do it from infancy. It was all my fault.” The pulsing, messy ball broke loose and I started sobbing. “It was always all my fault.”  

Leo put his arm around me and I turned into his embrace. He stroked my hair. 

“Leo, why couldn't she love me? What was wrong with me?” 

He pulled me closer and said, “There's nothing wrong with you, Cassie.” 

I thought I might never stop crying. Until anger brought me upright. “She acted like that and now she wants me to be kind to her.” I was practically yelling. I took the handkerchief Leo was offering me. 

“I don't know what to do, Leo. Cheryl says I should say what I want to say now, before she dies. But I don't even know where to begin.” I wiped my nose. Leo squeezed my shoulders and sat back a little, putting some space between us.

“Leo, you are the only person in the world who can understand me right now.”

We sat for a while in silence. “You should think about what you want, not what she wants, not what anyone else wants.”

***

Driving home, I felt lighter. Unburdening myself to someone not trying to get me to do something, someone who understood, made a huge difference. It also cut through a lot of the back and forth I had been dragging myself through, indecisive ruminating. I made up my mind. No one was going to convince me to see my mother and that was final. 

I had to call Aunt Pam. It had been over three weeks since I freaked out on her. When I got home from Leo's, I called and she answered right away. 

“Hi, Aunt Pam, I wanted to apologize for yelling and everything.” I seemed to be apologizing for flipping out a lot.

“I understand, honey. This is hard for you.”

“I know you are an understanding person, Aunt Pam, and that you are being understanding with me. And I appreciate it. But you can't understand what it's like for me.” 

“I get that.”

“How is mother doing?” 

“She is responding well to treatment. Life is easier for her now she that has oxygen. And the inhalers help. But the lung function tests... they are getting steadily worse.”

“Lung function tests?”

“They have her blow into a tube and measure different things, how she exhales and inhales, how well her lungs are working. She's not doing well. She is in end stage COPD. They don't know how long she will live.”

“Ezra mentioned a living will?” 

“She won't make one. She thinks it is fixable, that there is hope.” 

“But surely her doctors are being clear about this. Aren't they?”

“You know how stubborn your mother is. She is sending money to one of these faith healers. I have no control over that, I can't do anything.” After a pause, Aunt Pam went on, “Cassie, can you talk to her about this?”

I gave a cynical laugh. “Do you really think she would listen to me?” 

“She might. She is always going on about how smart you are and how you went to Cornell. She's very proud of you.”

“She's not proud of me. She wants something to brag about, that's all.”

“You don't know that, sweetie.” 

“I know, Aunt Pam. She's done this all my life. Believe me, I know.” 

“Can you come and see her?” 

I had been thinking about this and not thinking about this, and thinking about it when I wasn't paying attention, unable to focus my attention when I did want to think about it. 

“Aunt Pam, I don't think so. Do you know what happened when I left for college?”

“No, honey. What happened?” 

“She told me to take my stuff and never come back, she never wanted to see me again. That 18 years was enough and no one could make her do it any more.” 

Aunt Pam was silent. Then she said, “I'm sorry, Cassie. That was a terrible thing for any mother to say.” 

“Yeah, well, I'm used to it.” I laughed bitterly. 

“I never knew it was so bad. I knew she was hard on you but she also seemed so proud of you for doing well academically. I thought she just had trouble expressing herself to you.” 

“Oh, no, she expressed herself very well. She made it clear I was an unwanted burden.” 

Aunt Pam was silent for a while.

“Look, I better get going. I need to fix dinner,” I said. 

“I'm sorry Cassie.”

“Hey, no problem. It's not your fault. I'll talk to you soon.”

I hung up and started setting out what I'd need to make dinner. 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. All comments, large and small are welcome

Reviews

[MeratheRestless]

1. I love the vivid imagery and attention to detail! You had me so enthralled from Chapter 1 that I opened another window to google 'Mantville' and 'Tinder Island' thinking they were real places. I was shocked to learn they were not.

2. While it is glaringly obvious that Ezra is an obnoxious jerk with delusions of grandeur, what is not so clear is the reason why he feels he is so much better than everyone else. Is he from old money or something? We need more back story on him.

3. Cassie clearly is not happy and everyone can see that, even she knows it, yet she continues to believe she's lucky to have Ezra. Why does she think it is alright for this man to control her life and isolate her?

4. How is it that Cassie's aunt, her mother's own sister, does not know about the abuse yet Leo does? If a child knew the woman wasn't exactly mother of the year and witnessed Cassie being abused, how could adults, especially relatives have been clueless?

5. Why was Cassie in Randolph hospital as a child/teen? For an injury her mother caused her or an attempt on her own life? And again why doesn't Aunt Pam have the slightest clue that something was seriously wrong with her sister and niece?

6. A living will? Cassie tells Eric her mother is dying, the 1st thing he thinks about is money, and this doesn't set off alarm bells in her head? She hates her mother I understand, but it is generally disrespectful to start counting dollar signs before a person's head is even cold.

7. On the will note, there's very little really being said about Cassie's past. There's no mention of siblings, a father/stepfather dead or alive, socioeconomic status, etc. How she managed to excel academically despite the abuse, why her mother might have hated her, if anyone stuck up for her at all as child?

8. Cassie's friends are a dynamic bunch that keep things interesting. Cheryl is a refreshing reprieve since she's never the same from day to day.

9. I expected Leo to play a much more involved role and perhaps he will later on, but at the moment it does not make much sense why Cassie goes to him seeking advice. He knows about her mother's abuse, however he does not know the woman Cassie has become and there's clearly a disconnect between them. What Leo tells her could have easily come from anyone else she asked about her situation.

10. Cassie has a lot of emotional baggage that permeates the story and that's a good thing since it brings her to life for the reader and makes you care about her as a person.

11. "The ball" is interesting use of allegory. Cassie is obviously struggling to hold her life together with as much of her sanity intact as possible and the ball adds a nice visual to that internal struggle.

12. What is Cassie running from?

[SweetNutmeg]

Wow, thank you so much. You asked so many great questions I hardly know where to begin. These are exactly the sort of questions I need to be asking myself as I write. I will take some time to think about each one and edit/revise with them in mind. I am pausing in my writing, to do this kind of thinking.

I must stick up for Ezra in one instance... a living will does not have to do with money. It is a legal document that expresses your wishes about medical decisions if you become unable to speak or communicate. Basically, it tells the family and doctors when to stop trying to keep you alive. So that actually is a caring question. If her mother makes her wishes clear, there is no room for relatives agonizing over decisions and perhaps arguing with each other over the patient's intentions. I should probably make a living will for myself, but it is sort of gruesome and morbid. But it could save my family a lot of trouble if something were to happen. You never know when you might get run over by a Mack truck.

[AUU]

1. I had to look up begonias >_> I read it first as bologna. Stupid me.

2. "Anthony...himself." My first I thought after reading this was wondering what kind of goods Ezra and Anthony's company sell (do they even work together?), but the follow up with Cassie reflecting on the same thing made it the ambiguousness kind of telling. She doesn't care. Ezra probably doesn't even care. Got it.

3. "I didn't like the way...." I don't think it's necessary to have "I didn't like." It's kind of assumed that Cassie didn't like it when she goes on to explain how much she likes where they live.

4. I was thankful for comparison to the larger city. It reigned in my imagination a bit, as I was assuming their city was as big as New York City and Boston.

5. "Ezra continued talking about Anthony's..." I'd also like to compliment the subtleness of Ezra's supposed snootiness. Having him go on about someone else's white-collar job is perfectly snooty without making him sound like a real a*s.

6. "I had come home with this stuck up jerk." Two things about this line. I thought the "come home" makes it sound like Cassie chose Ezra over Leo after the prom, you know Lorraine choosing Biff over George McFly. That's the kind of imagery it's evoking for me. Not sure if that was intentional, but I like it.

Second. I think if you're headed in the direction of Cassie calling it quits on Ezra, you might have an opportunity with the name calling to further drive home the point. It might not have been said directly, but the writing almost over uses the characterization of "jerk" to describe Ezra, to the point where it has lost its impact. I kind of what to hear varying insults to his character.

7. So when Cassie goes on to explain the differences in the parties from the last chapter, I almost feel a bit cheated that there wasn't this imagery before hand. Just my reaction.

8. I didn't know Janine was a gossip is that new? I'm also confused with, "Aside from her..." What is this referring to?

9."And that not doing anything was choosing something." I adore this line. Very real choice that is often overlooked in writing. Sure. It doesn't resolve conflict, and I'm guessing this isn't the REAL resolution, but it adds another layer to Cassie.

10. Ezra can be kind sometimes, but I'm becoming suspicious if he's being altruistic or not, or just wants to feel needed.

11. "I pulled away"---"I don't need any of those things." Did you intentionally separate these sentences into their own paragraphs?

12. "I interrupted....I got up and said." I like the action in this line, but I feel as though "and said," kind of weakens it. We know Cassie is speaking.

13. "Cheryl had also said, Talk to Leo." Do you need quotations around this? I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct to not have them because it's something a character said in the past that Cassie is recalling. I think I've used quotations on lines like this, but again... I'm not sure if that was correct.

14. Okay. So I'm feeling a bit disconnected to why Cassie is gravitating towards Leo so much. I haven't gone back and reread the first few chapters, which you have said you reworked, but I feel as though I'm missing what made them so close. Sure. It's said that Leo saw how horrible Cassie's mother was, but the readers are missing what made her mother so awful besides being told she was awful, uncaring, and said some spiteful things. I think it's difficult to have two characters rekindle a friendship without thoroughly exploring what made them so tight in the past (and it's kind of boring to explore a character so much within the past), but at the same time bonding and character growth can outmatch that in the present...if it's there. I just don't feel like it's here. Maybe that's the point. Maybe Cassie being conflicted over her mother is exacerbating issues she was already struggling with:
"is Ezra the guy for me," "old life vs. new life," which is leading her to make band-aid choices, like...seeking out Leo. I can see that, I just don't know if I will fully accept a fairy-tale ending with Leo if it comes to that.

15."I had gotten very good at compartmentalizing things in my brain." I like that character trait, just not sure if it needs to be explained.

If you tried to say those last two paragraphs in fewer words, JUST by focusing on conflict, answer, action, and resolution, how would you do it?

1. Cassie wants to speak with Leo, but doesn't have his number (conflict).
2. Cassie knows Cheryl has Leo's number (answer).
3. Cassie asks Cheryl for Leo's number (action).
4. Cassie gets Leo's number from Cheryl (resolutions).

When you look at what needs to be accomplished, you could essentially cut out those last two paragraphs by saying "I didn't even know how to get in touch with Leo, but Cheryl might."

At that point there is no need to explain that Cassie is meeting Cheryl in the future, and can ask for his number then...because it just happens, it's just action.

16. I'm curious what Cheryl recommended for Cassie's hair.

17. Cheryl changed her hair :)

18. "Unlike Janine..." Did something happen with Janine that I missed?

19. I liked the way you handled the first conversation with Leo when he was on the job. It was very clear, minimal, and felt real. Great work!

20. This is a really big nitpick, and you might roll your eyes, but what if I was a reader who didn't know what Buffy was? Is it important to you that the reader knows that Buffy is a show about a vampire slayer? Sure it doesn't really add anything to the story, but it does add another layer to Cassie's character because it's an interest of hers.

21. "music blasting from my phone?" Country music? Rap. Handbagging screamo? What kind of music does Cassie like?

22. "I hauled down the shower curtain and put it in the washer." People do that? O_O...I never washed a shower curtain before. Should I be? lol

23. I do like how Cassie is cleaning again. It's nice to see character traits return and not be forgotten. I do that sometimes.

24."This would be a nice place to sit at night." Totally got it. Really liked this line.

25. It's totally fine, but I've noticed that Cassie is quick to cry around Leo.

26. "The ball broke loose..." Nice return of the ball.

27. Leo reminds me a bit like Eric. He's a nice guy. Down to earth. But he's kind of uninteresting. I do like the difference between Ezra and Leo's advice on her mother, where Ezra was all like "you have to see your mother, she's sick." And Leo is like, "Do what you feel like you need to do."

28. "Hi[,]Aunt Pam..."

29. "Ezra mentioned a living will?" A nitpick, does Aunt Pam know about Ezra? I know it's most likely a call back to where the question came from, just sounds a bit odd.

30. I really enjoyed the conversation between Cassie and her Aunt. It was very organic and gave a tiny bit more insight on Cassie's relationship with her mother.

Actually, I'd like to compliment this chapter in general for your use of dialogue. I feel as though it's a big step up from previous chapters.

:)

[SweetNutmeg]

Thank you so much for the detailed review.

About Janine... I never said Janine is a gossip, but I mentioned several times people hearing things from Janine and characters commenting that Janine knew everything. I think I made that more obvious in my revisions.

I am consulting a musician friend about Cassie's music tastes. I've given him a thumbnail of her personality. He keeps up to date with music, both pop and public radio kind of stuff. So I'll see what he thinks. I am curious about the music though... do I need to be super specific and identify the artist, or is genre enough? I am concerned about dating the piece by giving something popular now that will be unknown in the future. I suppose i could provide an old standard that everyone knows and has stayed popular and relevant.

The shower curtain can be laundered as needed... the plastic liner cannot.I personally don't worry about it too much, but Cassie is a much better housekeeper than I.

It's good to know I've run into the Eric problem again. And their shared past, I'll have to think about that. It's slightly more detailed in my revised version, but not by a whole lot. I'll have to do some serious thinking about Leo.

I appreciate your responses very much. You are very helpful.

[AUU]

That's a good point about the music. I haven't thought about that.

I guess it all depends on what kind of music Cassie likes because technically having a character watching Charmed or Buffy makes her bit dated already...then again she's watching on Netflix.

Actually. No. I don't think picking a song makes the material dated, or if it does, I don't think that is a bad thing. You're already dating the writing by writing about Netrlix. Who is to say Netflix will be around if people are reading your story ten years from now?

Music can certainly help with fiction that takes place in the past, but you wrote Cassie as a character who lives in 2017? So maybe just continue writing it like that.

It sounds like your conflicted because you want Cassie to be fashionable, current, trendy.

I'm not sure if that helped you lol