Chapter 3: Locked out, locked in

Independent, capable Bonnie can take care of herself... until fate strikes and she must rely on others. Can Bonnie accept the help she needs? Can she find the key to freedom from her loneliness

Chapter Three

Locked out, locked in

The next day, Bonnie regrets her weakness. She doesn't like people knowing about her father. She doesn't like people seeing her cry. Her attempts at therapy were all terminated after having tears pulled out of her. She can't terminate Pete, though. She still depends on him, which she hates. She has been lulled into forgetfulness, accepting Pete's help as no more than friendliness. He's allowed her to forget she really needs him. Her inability to negotiate the stairs makes her feel trapped, imprisoned, panicky. She showers and dresses quickly, then tries the stairs, even though she knows it is foolish. Three steps tell her she can't do it alone and she returns to her apartment, angry with herself for being so needy, for being incapable. It doesn't matter that she can't help it.

It is a struggle to behave normally when Pete stops by. She wants to push him away, reject him, but she can't, she needs him. It goes against every grain in her body. It is only for a little while, she tells herself. Four or five days and she can try the stairs again. Or petition to stay with Elaine. She discourages Pete from staying to chat, as he normally does, claiming fatigue. When she turns him away again that evening, she sees a shadow of hurt on his face. Telling herself she doesn't care, she goes through her lonely evening, harboring deep resentment that she does actually care, however much she tries to deny it.

In bed with her walkman, she listens to her music but finds no easing of her pain. Her fantasy man is gone, her longing for closeness and intimacy is no longer poignant, but heart-stabbingly painful. She tries to find her emotional blanket of comfort she used to draw from this ritual and it is not there. Pain overwhelms her and she has to take the headphones off. Being careful of her incision, she eases onto her side, hugs a pillow and cries hot, aching tears.

The morning finds her puffy around the eyes, bloodshot, looking terrible. She applies Visine and a cold mask, then piles on the circle concealer. Having achieved a normal look, she receives Pete coldly again. His hurt is clear now. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, she chants.

Getting through her long day is a chore with nothing to look forward to. When Elaine calls, she's happy for the diversion. Not for long, though.

“Bonnie, what are you doing to Pete?”

“Doing?”

“Yes. What are you doing to him? He called me wanting to know if he did something wrong. What are you up to?”

“Nothing, he's too sensitive. I've just been tired.”

“Being tired never made you tell him to go away before. What's wrong?”

“There isn't anything wrong. I was tired.”

“He said you look like s**t, and that you're being mean to him. Stop it, Bonnie. I know you. Pete is bending over backwards to help you, and you've gone all ice-maiden on him. I've seen you do it before. It wasn't my business, but it is now. Pete's a nice guy. Why do you do it?”

“OK, Elaine, you want to know... he's gotten some kind of idea about me, wanting something that isn't going to happen.” More lies come, adding to her wall.

“You don't fool me, Bonnie. I've known you since we were kids. Pete said you talked about your father, and now suddenly you don't want to have anything to do with him.”

“My father is none of your business!”

“Fine. Push me away too. Do you want to be alone?”

She is at war with herself. She can't lose Elaine. She wants to be alone, but then the idea tears her to her core.

In a tiny voice, she says, “No, I don't want to be alone. Don't leave me, Elaine.”

“I won't leave you, but I can't help you if you push me away. You need to be nice to Pete. Apologize. Say it was PMS or something. Ask him to have coffee and make nice.”

“OK, I will. Just don't leave me.” Her pleas make her feel small and weak, but she can't lose Elaine.

“I won't, sweetheart. Pete is a good guy, treat him like one.”

Bonnie makes coffee as she was instructed to do, and invites Pete in when he stops by to check on her after work. It is awkward, she can't seem to pull this off with her usual nonchalance.

“Pete, I'm sorry I was rude. I'm not feeling well.”

“Are you OK? Do you need to call the doctor?”

“No, I'm OK, but I act like a witch when it's that time.”

“That time?” He looks confused, then it dawns on him. “Oh! OK.” Now he looks embarrassed.

“Forgive me?”

“Sure, Bonnie. I was just worried about you.”

That night in bed, she thinks about Pete. Her desire to get rid of him, exile him from her life was such a strong reflex. She can handle things, she is self sufficient, aggressively so. No one is more independent than she is. She doesn't want to rely on Pete or anyone else. She doesn't want to need other people. But she does, she needs Elaine. Her mind wanders, without her permission, to how it felt when Pete held her and said he was sorry for her loss. She immediately shuts herself back up.

There was a cemetery near her childhood home. In this graveyard, there were four mausoleums arranged so as to create a small nook completely contained by the marble walls. She could slip between two to get into the secret spot and be hidden from the world. It was her special place. It is a place inside her now, where she lives, walled up. Elaine is the only one allowed in.

She has always thought of her special place in the graveyard as beautiful and clean, but maybe it is small and empty, too.

Author's Note

It's great to get positive feedback, but I equally want to know what went wrong and where I can improve. Thank you for reading. :)

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Going closely over it, I only found these small things.
In the first sentence, a comma after "day".
"... longer poignant but heart stabbingly..." a comma after "poignant".
"... her incision she eases onto..." comma after "incision"
"... Not for long though." comma after "long".
"... Stop it Bonnie" comma after "it".
"She can't lose Elaine" comma after "lose"
"Don't leave me Elaine.” comma after "me".
"I won't sweetheart." comma after "won't"
"... instructed to do and invites" comma after "do".

[SweetNutmeg]

Thank you for such a close and careful reading. Commas really are the bane of my existence. I always appreciate your help. And please forgive me for taking so long to respond, my life got a bit busy. 'Tis the season, and between invitations and preparations, I've really been on the go.

[Samuel Dickens]

No worries. It's the same with me.

[Samuel Dickens]

A short chapter, but well done. Having never had an appendectomy myself, (been sliced open for other things) I trust you've had some personal experience with it. I say that because Bonnie's recuperation seems a little slow.

[SweetNutmeg]

Thanks for the review Sam! I'm pleased you found your way here, as I am very fond of this little story, it being my first on Writerscafe.

These days, they use laproscopic surgery and it heals in a week. Back in 1991, it was major abdominal surgery. I based the healing time on some research, but I could be wrong. That's always possible, lol.

[Samuel Dickens]

I guess I wasn't sure if you wanted reviews on these older works. It's a very good story, so no wonder you're fond of it.

[Cathy Sipprell]

You are so good with the depth of Bonnie's character. I love how you have shown her to be so fiercely independent, and almost afraid to need anyone. I look forward to seeing her take a leap of faith and trust herself to let someone in. It seems like she is finally realizing it when she thinks, "but maybe it is small and empty too. Lonely." Great job!

[Blazing_Heart]

I get to learn so much from you. Your writing takes me to another domain. I feel as if I am actually there seeing the events of the story with my own eyes. The last part about the graveyard felt really sad and beautiful at the same time.

[SweetNutmeg]

Thank you for the review!