Because I Love You, Je Suis Desolee

I wrote this villanelle after being forced by my parents to break up with a boyfriend that I was deeply in love with. Any constructive criticism is appreciated. (:

Because I Love You, Je Suis Desolee

By Rachelle Leota

 

Because I love you, je suis desolee.

They ruined the chances of you and I.

Parce que je t’aime, please forgive me, I pray.

 

Happiness found, but they threw it away.

Chained to the ground after learning to fly.

Because I love you, je suis desolee.

 

Without contact, I don’t know what to say.

Hope for diff’rence; it’s the same by and by.

Parce que je t’aime, please forgive me, I pray.

 

Left all alone; on the cold floor I lay.

I wish I could run out of tears to cry.

Because I love you, je suis desolee.

 

Give me a chance; give me more than one day.

Left without answers and left asking why.

Parce que je t’aime, please forgive me, I pray.

 

Let me hold your hand and kiss, if I may.

Oh, how I long for the sound of your sigh.

Because I love you, je suis desolee.

Parce que je t’aime, please forgive me, I pray.

Author's Note

"Parce que je t'aime" means "Because I love you", and "Je suis desolee" means "I am sorry". (:

Reviews

[David Michael]

First off, I like it. Whether it needs work or not, it has a lovely charm to it, yet also succeeds in evoking emotion, the sadness of loss.

One thing that is working really well is the rhyme scheme. Often poems are either too sing-songy, or start lacking any cohesion because people aren't talented at finding other ways to make their poems flow. But this is a rhyme scheme that I can really like, and the rhythm complements it. (And kudos on finding ways to repeat the same rhyme in each stanza without getting old or feeling corny!)

If I have to give some sort of constructive comments, you might consider working on some of your wording, to make it strong, more vivid. In a good piece of poetry, every word is there for a very good reason - you don't even allow a stray "the" in there. As an example, in line 5 you could change it to something like "Chained to cold soil" or "...hard earth" or something of that nature. Why use a "the" if you don't need to? And why use the more general (and thus less meaningful) term "ground"? Those were just a couple suggestions off the top of my head - don't judge too harshly! :)

A possible other thing to think about, which I see a lot in amateur or hastily written poetry (neither of which do I consider yours, by the way!), is the use of cliches. The awesome thing about poetry is that you can reinvent that wheel - say it in some unique way! As a possible example, "run out of tears to cry" is a very straightforward and usual way of expressing this - because that's in essence what's happening... You might be able to find a really cool way of expressing this - think about it :)

To wrap up, great poem! I like, so don't be too bashful about sharing your work. Sure, not all of it'll be great. It's said that you have to write about a thousand trash-worthy works before finding a jewel. While I wouldn't put this poem in a collection of greatest modern poetry, I certainly wouldn't throw it in the trash either! So keep it up!