Loving You

The skip in my heartbeat

when your forehead

is pressed against mine.

A strange sense of comfort to it.

Rome was not built in a day,

but it can be a home--

built with love instead of pain.

Your heart is a maze

I lost my way inside of.

A dash of fear

begs me to speak,

and then you kiss me.

I never have to wonder

what this feeling is--

what loving you means. 

Reviews

[JayG]

• The skip in my heartbeat when your forehead is pressed against mine.

Ester, my love? Is that you?

My point? This you talking about things meaningful to you, without giving the reader the context that would make them care.

Did you wake this morning hoping to learn what people you know nothing about did today, and how they feel? Did anyone who visits this site wake hoping to learn what matters to YOU?

The thing is, people come to poetry to be entertained, not informed. They want to be made to feel and care, not learn what matters to you.

This piece works for you because you DO have context. So, when you say, "A strange sense of comfort to it." the feeling generated by your knowledge of the events you're referencing floods your mind and lives again. But from a reader's viewpoint? What's "strange sense of comfort?" You could be talking of being with a child, a parent, a lover, or anyone else. So, what are the odds that your words will evoke the meaning that you take in the reader, who has only what your words suggest based on THEIR life-experience?

And even if reading onward clarifies, you cannot retroactively remove confusion.

When using the nonfiction skills we're given in school we might tell the reader of our sorrow on losing a loved one. But...by using the skills of the poet, we make the reader love that person, and then, make THEM feel that sorrow. And as silly as that may sound, they thank us for doing it.

Poetry gives us a superpower. You can make someone you will never meet laugh, frown, weep — feel the emotion that YOU choose...if, you learn the skills of poetry that have been developed over centuries.

Without them? The writing skills we were given in school, with their outside-in, talk-to-the-reader approach, can only yield what reads a lot like a report — which is what they're supposed to be used for.

Those skills are fact-based, as is your poetry. So to may your words impact the reader's emotions, you need to add the emotion-based and character-centric skills of poetry.

My recommendation is to begin with Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's a brilliant book by a lady who's both a great poet and teacher, and filled with gems and surprises. You can read or download it at the site I link to below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Sorry for the bad news, but since the trap that caught you is so common, isn't a matter of telent, only missing data, and, we'll never address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

----------
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

[John the Baptist]

A very nice tribute here to what true love really is. It may not end up as a romantic song, but it is a good goal to seek.