Nothing but trouble...

I wrote this on November the 20th, 2006. I was in one of my "modes" and I really liked it and got some pretty good reviews from some friends, so I would also like to get some reviews from some others that I don't know. See what you think.

 

She doesn't want to be here anymore,

She doesn't want to play this game,

She feels too much pain from the way you left her,

The blame, the shame, she's just not the same,

Beaten and battered from the thought's left within her,

Its twisted and tormenting what you did to her,

Her fragile state now shattered across the floor,

In front of you the pieces while you walk through the door...

~~~

When you never looked back,

She took the slack,

She'll pay the price,

With the roll of the dice,

She's now crying red droplets for you

All because she took one for two...

Suzzie . T

Reviews

[Katrinka Johnson]

This was a very sad poem

[Dan Gray]

Hey, good work! I just have a few criticisms:

-- A lot of the rhymes seem to be forced just for the sake of rhyme. "Price" and "Dice" come to mind -- they don't actually seem relevant except to fit the rhyme scheme. There are a few other instances of this.

--With that said, I really prefer the first stanza, where there is internal rhyme -- "blame, shame, same" do not seem forced at all. Also "beaten and battered" have a nice sound (the actual SOUND of the words, not the fact that she's beaten and battered) with an alliterative effect.

--I like the repetition of she and her, it adds some structure to the poem and plays with the reader's expectations.

--"In front of you the pieces..." sounds really awkward to me. I think it's an unnecessary inversion.

--The second stanza seems to be ridden with cliche images such as red drops coming out of her eyes. I think you should build on the strength of the first stanza instead.


Good work, with a few revisions I think you'll have a great poem!