If You Really Want to Know

A Chapter by Susie

She asked me how I am. Because she cared.
I told her I'm well. Because I was well.

I asked her what she's been up to. Because I was curious.

She told me about her study. Because she prided herself in it.

She asked me where I'm living now. Because she didn't know anymore.

I told her, "Adelaide." But I knew she didn't know the reason, so I gave her a few clues. "I am living in a beautiful, big modern house with my cousin and two others, a couple."
She went cold. She is 90% there. "So... is Cristyn...?" Because she was curious.

I abruptly closed my eyes and shook my head. She was struggling enough with the question. I didn't really know how she was going to handle the answer, but I figured I could at least save her the ordeal of saying the actual words. "It's probably not the time or place to get into it too much. But no, he's not with me in Adelaide. Still in Naracoorte."
She backpedalled, "Oh, sorry!" even though that was the information she was after in the first place. Well, in a sense. I'm pretty sure the information she was actually asking for was how fantastic married life. To her, the theory that married life was the ultimate fantasy was in it's original, strong-as-ever state. And she couldn't bear to have this threatened.

So, she shifted her weight from foot to foot in her awkward, pointy heels, stabbing a new hole in the lawn each time. I could see obviously that she was looking for an escape. From me, for I now represented an unapproachable topic.

Wrongly, I felt a little judged, and did a little justifying, "I ended it - it was Domestic Violence."

Someone should have thumped me in the head mid-sentence to stop me saying that. Suddenly she and her awkward stance in those damn heels needed a drink, now, and she was out of there in an instant.

Way to get rid of her, Susannah! That was obviously NOT the information she was fishing for after all. I should have just remained illusive, cloudy and mysterious, and left her with her innocent perception of me. I should have left her confused. She didn't even want to hear the truth.

I could have easily said something else: "I miss him already." "He will follow when he's ready." "It's just a short-term arrangement." "We are on a break." "It's not ideal but the best arrangement for now." "It's simply that we need the money and there's more opportunities up there." "I couldn't get off the lease so he's kind of trapped in Naracoorte for now." "I died so he's a widower!" "Isn't it a perfect day for a wedding!" ANYTHING else! The facts changed me. Changed relationships:
I look cute today. My hair isn't tidy but it's falling loosely around my face effortlessly. My bangs look quite even for once, and not pressed stiff against my forehead. A lot of my make-up has worn off by now but the natural shade of my skin looks summery against the wide, black sunglasses sitting on top of my head, and poking through a few cheap blonde locks behind my ears. I am wearing a black sports tanky tucked into my little blue shorts. The dark paint on my fingernails is starting to chip but they still look chick.

And I look in the mirror. And when I don't see the appeal myself, I have a failsafe means: I beeline to the toilet. Or the bathroom sink. Or the shower drain. Or the bin. It is easy to find an option. The closest one will do. No one suspects any more than what normally would go on behind those enclosed rooms. To them I am showering, or actually relieving myself. People are easy to fool. In fact, fooling them is completely unnecessary. People don't have extreme imaginations of what goes on in the bathroom after you lock the door. They assume it's simply the same as what they do, which I assume is not that interesting.

And, the truth is, what I do is NOT that interesting. I mean, hello, I am here for the sixth time today. Purging isn't rocket science. If you can get something reassembling a Ping-Pong ball even halfway up your oesophagus, your body is going to shift it, basically on it's own. You just need to make sure the direction is up.

... Make that seven times today.

This is what I have become as a result of my story, which you have not even read a word of yet. It is sad enough to lead me to throw my fingers down my throat and torture my body and endure hunger and pain hours - days on end. There is no resolve. No "happily ever after".

Not everyone wants to know what happened to me. They say it is out of respect for me, as if being abused would be bad enough. Or respect for Cris, as if living with the mistakes would be bad enough without people unnecessarily knowing. I suppose it makes sense. But I know the shut-down is really for them. They don't want to know that s**t happens. That you can have the best principles and still get it wrong.

If this is you, I know you probably know more than enough already, and you haven't even read the first sentence of chapter one. Keep your preconceptions of me. Keep your pure, unscathed mind. Don't question what you have been taught. Be the guard of your own mind and put this down while you still have your precious ignorance. One day, like me, you will have to learn to laugh at what depresses you. But don't let me be the one to teach that inevitable lesson. I have the freedom of speech, but you have the right to innocence. Don't listen just because they are ranting.

I am inviting you, but not obligating you to read on... but only if you really want to know.

next chapter

© 2014 Susie

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Mr. Color Blind

Great piece. Refreshing actually. I've been looking around and there isn't much of this stuff on here that I can find. I liked the intuitive dialogue with body language incorporated. The dialogue is different and effective.

And I chuckled when I read "One day, like me, you will have to learn to laugh at what depresses you." I can agree with that haha. Have a good day.