Your messages sounds like a deeply-felt sorrow, missing someone. There are many interesting ways that you SHOW instead of telling & your observations are nicely sensory (using all the senses makes a poem come alive).
I think the word "breathe" is being used wrong here. It's a verb when there's an "e" at the end, like the act of breathing, I breathe. I think what you want is the noun "breath" . . . you are longing for this thing, this breath of another person that you can feel on your face.
Also, I know it's popular to use shortcuts like "u" for "you" and "ur" for "you're" . . . this is for texting & communicating in a friendly way. But for a formal poem, most people feel it's wise to use the full words, not shortcuts. Every person has to decide for him/herself. This is just my point of view about using English properly.
I'm sorry if I'm making more critiques than compliments here. These things do not detract from your message, which is heartfelt & easy to follow & enjoy.
Posted 7 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
hey am fine.....and thank you for highlighting me m mistakes...I will correct them for sure
A amazing poem my friend.
"It is a final fight Between me and the air, But
I wanna see it bringing me back your breath..."
The above lines perfect. We need people that make us want to live and breath. Thank you Surya for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote
Posted 7 Years Ago
7 Years Ago
Thank you john...As usually your warm words inspires me....Thanks a lot, for your time reading this... read moreThank you john...As usually your warm words inspires me....Thanks a lot, for your time reading this.
Your messages sounds like a deeply-felt sorrow, missing someone. There are many interesting ways that you SHOW instead of telling & your observations are nicely sensory (using all the senses makes a poem come alive).
I think the word "breathe" is being used wrong here. It's a verb when there's an "e" at the end, like the act of breathing, I breathe. I think what you want is the noun "breath" . . . you are longing for this thing, this breath of another person that you can feel on your face.
Also, I know it's popular to use shortcuts like "u" for "you" and "ur" for "you're" . . . this is for texting & communicating in a friendly way. But for a formal poem, most people feel it's wise to use the full words, not shortcuts. Every person has to decide for him/herself. This is just my point of view about using English properly.
I'm sorry if I'm making more critiques than compliments here. These things do not detract from your message, which is heartfelt & easy to follow & enjoy.
Posted 7 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
hey am fine.....and thank you for highlighting me m mistakes...I will correct them for sure
By reading this from my second perspective (by emotions not words), I don't want to correct or edit anything. Because editing such a beautiful piece would be like a great insult to its emotions...........
I loved this one...... missing you.....
wow.... carries a bag of meanings and emotions.......
Keep writing, you have lots of capabilities..........