Missing You

I was waiting for you all the day

Fighting with the air to bring me back your breath 

It doesn't, but I was missing your breath

And I was left alone with the air

I was missing your talks

I was missing your smile

All the day

I was staring at the stars you made

And from you, I was feeling away

It's like a beat of heart not with the heart

I felt like an empty frame

Where my picture away

Now it is the final day

Waiting for you all the day

It is a final fight Between me and the air, But

I wanna see it bringing me back your breath...

Author's Note

A poem without a rhyme, but with a feel i guess... And if you feel like an correction can be made, comment me with the text.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your messages sounds like a deeply-felt sorrow, missing someone. There are many interesting ways that you SHOW instead of telling & your observations are nicely sensory (using all the senses makes a poem come alive).

I think the word "breathe" is being used wrong here. It's a verb when there's an "e" at the end, like the act of breathing, I breathe. I think what you want is the noun "breath" . . . you are longing for this thing, this breath of another person that you can feel on your face.

Also, I know it's popular to use shortcuts like "u" for "you" and "ur" for "you're" . . . this is for texting & communicating in a friendly way. But for a formal poem, most people feel it's wise to use the full words, not shortcuts. Every person has to decide for him/herself. This is just my point of view about using English properly.

I'm sorry if I'm making more critiques than compliments here. These things do not detract from your message, which is heartfelt & easy to follow & enjoy.

[Surya]

hey am fine.....and thank you for highlighting me m mistakes...I will correct them for sure

[APOORVA]

very well written surya ji
plenty of sentiments talking about what goes in your heart

[Surya]

Hanji, Thank you...

[CAPOLAVORO]

I like how you really use all the words like smile and talks on this one which make the reader feel what attitude the one you are missing has.

You did good on imagery on this one and I truly respect your feeling and your choice of words. All in all, well done.

[Surya]

Thank you, am glad you liked it..:)

[wordman]

memories are made to last,a longing in your write

[Surya]

Yeah I agree...Thank you for your kind visit...

[wordman]

my pleasure

[Farhan Shaikh]

It seems you are really missing someone, lets get back to your work, it's always the best including this..loved it

[Surya]

It dates back to 2016 Farhan...Thank you for your visit...:)

[Manasa.L]

seems interesting, the feel and sorrow has been lighted up in the poem.
You have a good observation of how people feel in situations, their emotions and frame it very nicely. Congrats!

[Surya]

Haha, cheers to you, Thanks again Manasa ji for your kind visit and words...:)

[Najam Us Saher]

I was missing your talks
I was missing your smile.
These feelings are so true. I think many can relate with them.
Now it is the final day
Waiting for you all the day.
Waiting....what can I say is so hard and frustrating sometimes. A beautiful poem with so much depth in the words.

[Surya]

So much depth, may be.....Thank you Saher for your kind visit, am glad you enjoyed my words here....:)

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome ☺

[Pravir]

Each n every line is loaded with emotions . ... Fully mesmerized

[Surya]

Yep and Thank you for your visit, keep reading...

[shweta@castle]

I don't think rhyming is an essential part of any poem. Although it does add a lot to the impact on the readers. But any piece of writing which conveys the real emotion is worth it. It is a nice piece by the way.

[Surya]

That's what i feel.And thank you for your words, they cheered m up

[Dr. YumnaKay]

The emotions here are deeply felt.. You wrote beautifully...

[Surya]

Thank You so much..

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You are welcome ☺