The Weird Feeling

Please let this feeling go away.

It’s a weird feeling; I’m not quite sure how to contain it within me anymore. Bloating, I can tell my body is no longer a hollow shell, one to be filled yet never knowing the joy of such, but this constant mismatch of anguish and nonchalance creates a heavy weight for my heart.

Constantly going through the motions of everyday life leaves me with never ending doubts and my inability to properly trust someone keeps me in a state of paranoia, forever being in fear that everyone and anyone who ever gave me praise, who ever said they liked me or could even stand being around me… who ever said they loved me, were only ever playing some cruel prank on my waning psyche. This is something I cannot escape; I’m handicapped and playing this life long chess match is getting far too stressful for me.

She broke that trust, but this cliche drivel isn’t going to end saying that she is the reason I’m a mess. Instead, I’ve always felt this way, her deeds only ever served to drive me away from my hiding spots and to face the cold hard facts: in the act of being human, I’m nothing more nor less than the next, and none of my actions which I’ve fooled myself into thinking have helped people and made me mean something to someone have ever meant anything. I’ve spent my life on petty good deeds with a great belief in some kind of karma despite myself and the rest of the world showing me that things just cannot be that fair. It’s like I’m chained. Tied up and left to untangle the ropes like an incompetent puppeteer.

I found a love in life and multiple joys, so why aren’t I happy? In a sense, I’ve only improved my life in the past months, but I still cling to the past as if it’ll help me find some answer to this endless cycle of barely being able to contain my emotions and barely being able to care enough to move myself out of bed.

There is only one person in the world right now who makes me happy, but I think at the same time he’s the reason I feel so weird. It’s a new feeling and I act as if he is a substitute for a whole group of prior friends. I feel weird because I have to deal with the fact that my jealousy has come back in spades. I understand why I feel this pain relating him; It’s because I have to see him have fun with his friends every day and I have to compare myself to them and everything and everyone because if I’ve not f*****g perfect then there's no use in living.

Why should I continue to live if all I can do is rot in my bed as I drown in my own hate for myself?

Author's Note

Does this feel real? It is, but I know I'm not particularly good at pouring all of my feelings into my writing.

Reviews

[MFrano1]

It is perfect and easy to tell that it is personal to you as it's strong. I'd consider maybe branching off a bit and going into a bit more detail about why you feel this way- you are very clear about your emotions, yet vague about why you feel that way. If you plan on expanding on this in later chapters and just wanted to leave your readers wondering then that's fine, but if I were you I'd still add a little so that people aren't completely lost the first chapter. Your vocabulary is strong and that shows in your writing- but maybe some parts you should cut back on that a little. Every part of this is filled with angst. I understand that's the point, but maybe there are some things you feel more strongly about than others in this story, and the tone being the exact same throughout doesn't allow readers to sense your fluctuations in mood. Don't misunderstand me, you're getting a 100/100 in my rating, as I said it was perfect and there was nothing wrong with it. These are just little tips to improve and things to watch out for :) Although my writing isn't nearly as good as yours, would you please review something of mine? I don't care what, I dabble in a little of everything and am hoping to improve in everything I write. Whether you review a short poem or a book I'm starting doesn't really matter to me. Just please make sure to leave your honest opinion! I won't be offended no matter what you say, I'll take it as it is- an attempt to help me improve my skills as a writer, not an insult.

[xansizi]

It feels like depression- that sense of 'why bother because I'm not worth it and no one notices whether I'm here or not'. You've captured the contradictions between self-absorption and putting yourself down that people with depression have.

Could you please review for me? Thanks