Epiphanies in a Wedding Hall are Always the Best KindA Stage Play by I'm Not Into Labels Lorraine was about to get married, but the groom decides to change it up by leaving her at the altar. With this spark of an event, Lorrain learns something about herself. Carlos- (Stops his vacuuming and pulls out an earphone) did you say something, Missus? Carlos- (Nervously) Um (Beat) Carlos. Lorraine- Are you married, Carlos? Carlos �" Uh…No. Carlos �" (Stands there awkwardly, watching her cry, trying to think of something to say. After a good moment, he gives up.) Can I go now? Carlos- Okay. (Leaves off stage right) Delaney- (Offstage whilst Lorraine- Well I guess less attractive people can’t hear as well as more attractive people. Delaney- I guess you heard that. Delaney- I have to learn to talk quieter; I’m always getting in trouble for things I say. Delaney- Honey! (Goes to her and sits down beside her awkwardly with her belly) Just because your husband left you for a ( Delaney- Well obviously I would have been a better choice. I wouldn’t have run off with your fiancé! He was ugly anyways. Lorraine- Well I’m sorry that I had a poor choice of attractive maid honors and ugly men! I had no idea that they wanted to be together. But it doesn’t matter now because I’m not getting married! I’m single! (Cries into her dress) Delaney- I’m just saying that I am your sister and that I probably should have been your maid of honor! Alright! Lorraine- Why? You would have been the worst maid of honor ever! You’re mean and hormonal! And you would have looked fat in that dress! Delaney- Yea because I am pregnant! And that’s why I’m hormonal! Lorraine- Yea! For the fourth time! I even haven’t had a pregnancy scare! Delaney- Why does that matter!? You hate children! Delaney- Whatever, all I am saying that I should have been your maid honor! Lorraine- Can we just drop it?! I don’t care and it doesn’t matter cause I’m not getting married. I’m going to be an old Jewish Cat-lady. Delaney- You need to calm down. (Carlos comes in vacuuming) Delaney- NO I can’t leave you in distress and in a mess. (To Carlos) Watch my sister for me while I get her some champagne? Carlos- (A little hesitantly) Okay. Delaney- (Gets up) Okay then. Lorraine- Delaney? Delaney- (stops) yes (Delaney chuckles and waddles off) (Carlos stands there awkwardly watching Carlos- Are you alright? Missus? Carlos- I hear what happen. Lorraine- How? Carlos- Um…the whole church hear it. (Porter walks in after a couple of moments of crying. He stares at her awkwardly) Porter- (To Carlos) is she alright? Carlos- (Looks at him, then at her and she cries more outrageously, then at him.) I don’t think so. Porter- (Sighs) I figured. Carlos- (Beat) Can I go now? Porter- (Beat) Sure. Carlos- Okay. (Exits off Stage Right) (Porter stands there staring at Porter- (finally gives up) Hello, Porter- Well I didn’t (Beat) obviously. I mean watching you say goodbye to the guests was hilarious. ( Porter- (Goes to her) Sadly enough. (Beat) I saw this coming. (Sits down) Porter- How could you not tell? Lorraine- Well obviously I couldn’t. Elaborate please? Porter- (sighs) well, they acted more in love than you and he did. He spent more time with her than he did you claiming they were doing wedding business but really they were doing some business of their own. He was always coming home late and we both know his work ends at 5 and he’d get home at 10. He’d blame it on the traffic and the traffic was clearly her legs. Even when you were walking down that aisle trying not to trip he was looking at her. Not at you. Porter- Well what do you want me to say? Porter- Now you’re just complaining. Porter- So? Porter- But he didn’t love you. Porter- I’m just stating a simple fact; that you were marrying the wrong man. Lorraine- Did I ask you state it? Porter- No. Lorraine- Then you shouldn’t have stated it! (Cries, then cringes) Ugh! Darn this mascara. It burns! Porter- Why are you wearing it? Porter- (Takes out a tissue) Here Rainie. (Hands it to her) (She takes it and wipes it off and sniffles, then looks at him with gratitude) Porter- There you are. I’ve always thought you looked so beautiful without make up. Porter- You can have it. You might cry more. Lorraine- Well at least it won’t sting and burn and hurt like Thomas did to me! (She cries) Porter- I never liked him. Lorraine- You never like any of my boyfriends. Neither did my mother because none of them were Jewish. Porter- Thomas was Jewish. Porter- I’m Jewish. Porter- Calm down! Porter- I’ll go get her! But first I want you to calm down. You could end up hurting yourself in that dress. Porter- Well you looked beautiful in it, until you punched and tried to decapitate Tracie. Then you just looked like Bridezilla and all kinds of crazy. Porter- Those are insane… Lorraine- They’re my mother’, by the way, where is my mother? (Sadly) She’s probably ashamed that her daughter got left at the altar by a good Jewish man who was planning to be a banker. Porter- That must be embarrassing? Lorraine- Oh yea, she’ll be the laughing stock of the country club, and all because of me, Thomas, and that little flusie Tracie. Ah, I wish I could punch her again. Porter- Violence is not the answer. Lorraine- You didn’t seem to think that when you punched Thomas. Porter- (Chuckles) well he had it coming. (They both laugh, and Porter- Even though you hate kids…you said you wanted at least 3. Lorraine- Well I wouldn’t mind having a Lamborghini, a house in the Porter- Well, do you get my point? Delaney- (Offstage) Honey Will you calm down?! I am trying to comfort my sister here! (Pause) Don’t get smart with me! I’m hormonal! (A very long pause) Love you too honey. Now give me ten more minutes. (Comes in) Oh Porter! Porter- Hey Delaney how’s the bun in the oven? Delaney- On the fritz. All this almost wedding madness. Delany- I’m guessing she’s not doing any better? Porter- She had her moments. Delaney- (With champagne in hand) well hopefully this works. (Waddles over to her) It’s warm and there weren’t any cold ones left. I think Uncle Louie took them. I thought he was with his parole officer and he couldn’t do those kinds of things. Delaney- Well then. That would explain a lot of things. Porter- (Gets up for Delaney to sit down.) Delaney- Thank you Porter my legs are killing me. Hey would you be a dear and go entertain my husband for me? He’s so antsy, if it weren’t for this belly, people would think he was the pregnant one. (Porter chuckles and walks out) Delaney- So how are you since the last 10 minutes I saw you? Delaney- No need to get all offensive, I simply asked you a question. Delaney �" Then answer it. Delaney- I figured. (Opens the bottle; Lorrain hungrily and angrily takes it and behinds chugging it.) Well that’s one way to do it. ( Delaney- Or course it is! It’s champagne! Lorraine- Then why am I drinking it!? Delaney- It’s the only form of alcohol we have at the moment. Lorraine- Then go get me some! Delaney- Alcohol is not the answer to your problems Lorraine- Well it is to mine! Delaney- Calm down! Delaney- See? This is what happens when you get yourself all worked up. On the floor buried in your wedding dress; its just down right depressing. Lorraine- Help me up. Delaney- (sighs in annoyance getting up awkwardly and tries to behind down to help her up. She tries several times in a variety of ways and fails.) Okay this isn’t working. Where is that charming Mexican cleaning boy with that vacuum? Lorraine- Carlos? Delaney- (Calls off right) Carlos!? Mr. Carlos?! (Carlos emerges with a broom and dust pan and stands there awkwardly) Carlos- (Beat) Yes Missus? Delaney- Would you be so kind as to help my sister up? Carlos- (Looks down at Lorrain who smiles and holds out her hand. Then at the impatient Delaney) Do I have to? (Whispers) She’s scares me. Lorraine- You do realize I am right here. (Beat) In full eavesdropping range of your conversation… Delaney- (Ignoring her) she’s not scary. Just really…really….really…really… Carlos- Depressed? Delaney- Dumped… Lorraine- Again, I am right here listening to every word you are saying. Delaney- I know. Clearly you haven’t gone anywhere. Lorraine- Will someone just help me up? Delaney- Carlos? Carlos �" (Drops broom and dust pan unenthusiastically and behinds down to try and help her. They try numerous times and fail) you heavy! Lorraine- It’s the dress! Carlos- Why you wear it? Lorraine- Ask my mother! (Carlos finally gives up) Carlos- (Looks to Carlos- Okay. (Leaves off right) (Porter walks in right and stares at Porter- Did I miss something? Porter- That dress is a fluffy death trap. (Then he turns to Delaney) Your husband wants to leave. (Beat) Now. Delaney- Well tell him to wait ten more minutes. Porter- I did. Delaney- And? Porter- Well he said something that sounded cranky and mean. (Beat) And then some not very nice words and then I ran before he could punch me in the face. Delaney- Why would he punch you in the face? Porter- Because he said he would punch me in the face if I didn’t get you to go home with him…now and not in ten minutes. Delaney- (About to go off) Ugh Fine! I’ll go talk to him! (To Lorraine- I wasn’t gunna. Delaney- Hey! Don’t get smart with me! I’m hormonal! (To Porter) Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. Delaney- Nope that’s Porter’s job. (Then waddles off right) Lorraine- ARG! (Cries into her dress) Porter- (Goes to her) don’t cry Raine. It’s not that bad. Porter- No you don’t. Lorraine- Yes I do! She’s mean and a horrible sister. She didn’t even care about this stupid wedding. All she wanted to be was the maid honor! Well the maid of honor is supposed to be the bride’s best friend. Delaney isn’t my best friend. She isn’t even my friend. We treat each other more like coworkers that work for the same family. Nothing like sisters. She was labeled the “perfect” child. Always had the perfect boyfriend, prefect grades and perfect teeth! So what if I had a little gap? It was cute! (Beat) And she made it worse by flaunting it. She may dance like a horse but she was till perfect in everyone’s eyes. I am not perfect. Not perfect enough for my mother. According to her, since I am the oldest, I should have gotten married first and had children first and do everything first but hey, we both know that didn’t happen. (Beat) I covered up all of her mistakes! And trust me! There were a lot. But still (cries) she’s still the perfect child! How does that even happen?! Her nose is crooked too! (Starts crying again) Porter- (Beat) Well I think you’re perfect, if the counts for anything. Lorraine- Well right now I’m not. Porter- Well (Beat) In general, you’re perfect. Porter- Only sometimes, but its okay; I’m willing to be a punching bag that you can vent to and hit...really hard. Porter- (A bit annoyed) why do you keep harping on this? He’s gone with Tracie and doesn’t love you. And he’s making you this train wreck. Suck it up and move on! Lorraine- Well, I thought he did! (Cries) I really did. I loved him at least. (Quietly) I think. Porter- You think? Porter- No, what am I confusing about? Lorraine- It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I’m going home. Porter- No! You tell me what’s so confusing. Lorraine- It doesn’t matter. (Fails to get up.) Porter- Oh but it does. Porter- Oh no, you’re not going to get away that easy. (Follows her) Tell me! (Keep repeating the same lines over and over again crawling all over the stage. You may Ad lib. Carlos then comes in with a vacuum and they keep running into each other *keep going as long as it takes.) Carlos- (Out of breath) I told you. Carlos- No. Porter- Lorraine, tell me what’s wrong. Lorraine- Then you shouldn’t have answered and no Porter! I’ve had enough embarrassment for a day. Carlos- I think you are done for the week. Porter- Lorraine, I just chased you around a lobby, you better tell me. Lorraine- Didn’t I tell you no? Porter- yes, but you’re still going to tell me anyways. Carlos- Can I go now? Carlos- Okay. (Exits off right) (An awkward moment of heated anger between Delaney- (offstage) Honey I told you! Ten more minutes! You better not leave, Delaney- Never mind then...Am I interrupting something? Porter- No. (Beat) I was just leaving. Porter- (Bitterly) Bye. (Porter nods to Delaney and exits off right) Delaney- What happened? Lorraine- Nothing. Delaney- Well it was obviously something happened. Lorraine- It was really nothing. Delaney- Oh touchy. Calm down and stop lying to me. What’s wrong? Delaney- Fine (Sits down beside her) we’ll just sit in silence. (They are incredibly quiet for a moment and then Carlos comes in with his vacuum that is ridiculously loud. He vacuums all around their silence, his music blaring in his earphones. *Hips don’t Lie. Dancing outrageously. Tries to vacuum underneath them and Lorraine- Do you seriously have to vacuum in this exact spot right now? Carlos- (Pulls out an earphone) You say something Missus? Lorraine- How many times do I have to tell you that I am not a Missus!? Delaney- (Haughtily) I’m a Missus. Lorraine- You shut up. Delaney- Don’t tell me to shut up. I’m hormonal. You shut up! Delaney- Fine! Lorraine- Fine! Carlos- (After a moment) Women. (Goes off right) (A heated silence between them) Delaney- I would just like you to know that I hate you. Lorraine- Oh, it’s okay because the feeling is mutual. (Beat) VERY MUCH SO! Delaney- Good. (Another silence) Lorraine- Oh and I’m so telling Ma that it was really you who broke her bed with Arthur Finklemen sophomore year, and not me. Delaney- That was 10 years ago! Lorraine- Oh I know. But because of you I was grounded for a year and I had to rub her feet and there is a reason why she never wears sandals. Delaney- Fine. Then I’m going to tell her that you were planning on getting a nose job. Delaney- (Gasps, clutching her nose) it was crooked! Delaney- That’s because I punched you in the nose in the first grade for calling me fat. Lorraine- You were fat! Delaney- So were you! Delaney- Then what is the point? Delaney- I’m pregnant! Delaney- Well you know what?! You look fat in that dress! Lorraine- Right back at cha sista! ( Delaney- (Sincerely) Delaney- Yea…why? Delaney- We don’t hate each other…you’re just jealous. Delaney- You just are mad that I got married first and had children first. Delaney- I overheard you and Porter talking. Lorraine- You know, eavesdropping is very rude. Delaney- Shut up. You do it all the time. Lorraine- Not intentionally. It just happens. Delaney- But Delaney- I know that Ma has high expectations and I just so happened to meet them first and she wanted you to meet them first because you are the oldest. Delaney- Look I know you were only marrying Thomas to prove to Ma that you were better than me. Because you’re older and stuff… Delaney- Deny it all you like. Lorraine- Oh I’m denying it. Delaney- But if you want to know the truth. I’m jealous of you. Lorraine- Excuse me? Delaney- That’s right. Delaney- You have the perfect best friend who loves you and always will no matter what you throw at him and Moses knows that it’s you two that need to get married, the perfect job, and you know, I understand why you don’t like children. They are horrible. They are hard work and are you sure you want three? Delaney- Friends? Carlos- FINALLY! (Both look at him and he looks down) Sorry… (Leaves off right) (Porter walks in) Porter- Oh sorry. (Keeps walking) Delaney- Porter, did my husband leave? Porter- He’s about too. Delaney- I told him ten more minutes. Porter- Yea; like 6 hours ago. Delaney- I’m going to go talk to him. Porter- But… (Delaney just leaves) (There is an awkward moment between them.) Porter- I assume you guys are friends again? Lorraine- Yea. How’d you know? Porter- Well first of all you two were hugging and that hasn’t happened in 10 years and I was eavesdropping at the door. Porter- Because it’s that easy. (Silence) Porter- Yea. So I’m going to go. Lorraine- Didn’t you say that ten minutes ago? Porter- Yea. Lorraine- Then why did you come back? (Porter is a little speechless; he doesn’t want to tell her) Lorraine- Fine don’t tell me. You don’t care about me anyway. Porter- That’s not true Lorraine- Well you are supposed to make me feel better but no you just keep thrashing Thomas. Porter- You were thrashing him too! Porter- Then what is the point? Porter- A bad best friend? Porter- Forget it. You won’t listen to me anyways. Porter- Well you know what? I’m just a bad best friend to you. I don’t have tell you any thing. Lorraine- Oh yes you do. Porter- No I don’t. And why didn’t you tell me that you were marrying Thomas just so that you could get acceptance from your mother? Porter- I do. If I’m your best friend I do. Lorraine- Well you’re a bad best friend so I didn’t want to tell you. Porter- Lorraine come on we tell each other everything. Lorraine- Then tell me what you wanted to say. (Porter looks at her and sighs *He is unable to say it, leaving off right, passing Carlos as he comes in) Carlos- (Unsure if he should really say anything but feels he must step it due to the situation) Uhhhh…Miss Carlos- (A little hesitant) What are you doing?! You are letting him go! Lorraine- Excuse me? What are you talking about? Carlos- That boy….your friend…boy with that terrible fashion sense! Lorraine- Porter? Yea he’s my friend…what about him? Carlos- (Cuts her off) Can’t you see he’s in love with you?! Carlos- How can you not see that, Miss Lorraine- Carlos…Porter doesn’t love me. Don’t be silly. Carlos- Honey you must be blind and all kinds of stupid….because let me tell you… Lorraine- Now, hold on just a second! MR! Carlos! Carlos- Honey… (Sits down beside her) Porter is the boy for you. This Thomas man with the greasy hair isn’t worth it so stopping crying and moping around about him because Porter is worth it…because he loves you. (Beat) How can you not see it? It’s like in your face…it can’t get anymore obvious. Lorraine- Well apparently I’m not all that good at pointing out the obvious… Carlos- Oh honey please, if you couldn’t tell that your almost husband was clearly doing the horizontal cha-cha with your maid of honor then you are stupider than I thought… Carlos- What? That you’re stupid? Lorraine- Yea. Carlos- Well…then let’s fix that…because I don’t think you even realize that you are in love with Porter too. Lorraine- No I’m not. I definitely am not. Carlos- Uhhh…honey…who has been there for you no matter what the cost and even when you are throwing a fit and all kinds of crazy? And he never once let you down… Lorraine- He never did (Beat) did he? Carlos- Hell he’s probably even gonna out and got you tampons… Carlos- Oh honey that’s love and whipped right there... Lorraine- And even at prom…(Remembering) My senior year and my sister’s junior year…just because I asked him too he took my sister to prom and made sure that she was the happiest little girl in the world. However an hour into the dance, my sister met her husband now and decided to have some baby-making fun that resulted in Doris in the back of his father’s convertible. And then my date, Thomas started dancing with Tracie and I was left alone. And honestly I dance like a horse…it’s just bad. And that’s probably why Thomas didn’t want to dance with me. But Porter danced with me for the rest of the night. And he held me close and even though I did dance terribly. He let me stand on his feet at the end because I was tired, and also so that I could minimize the fact I looked like an idiot. So he simply swayed me to some 80’s song that I can’t remember for the life of me now. He danced with me like I was the only girl in the room and I was like hey…this moment would probably be in some cheesy chick flick movie that I would talked through because it was stupid. But the moment wasn’t stupid…it was just…perfect… and I didn’t want him to ever let me go and OH MY GOD I’M IN LOVE WITH PORTER. Carlos- (Getting up and starting off) my work is done here. (Carlos leaves and Porter comes on and sighs) Porter- (A little hesitant but wants to say his piece and get it over with) Porter- I just told you that I am in love with you and all you heard was that I called you fat? I’m getting out of here. Porter- I’m out of here. Lorraine- God I hate you Porter. You are such a stupid, self centered pig who is also hypocritical and psychopathic and is very wimpy and ugly and fashion senseless who is also mean man who also needs to get a life! Porter- Well I hate you too. Lorraine- Good! Porter- Good! (They kiss outrageously. Make it as ridiculous as possible, draw it out to all kinds of satisfaction. J) Delaney- (Coming in) Hey (They release and stare at each other panting in passion.) Porter- Wow. Lorraine- Yea. Porter- That moment really should have happened ten years ago. Lorraine- Hell, I would have been fine with ten minutes ago. But hey, it happened and it was… Porter- Wow. Lorraine- Yea. Porter- Lorraine. (Beat) I am sorry I called you an overly organized stubborn, psychopathic, fat, hypocritical mean tease that needs to get a life. You aren’t psychopathic or hypocritical. You are a tease and very stubborn and mean, but that’s okay. And you are definitely not fat. And you have a life and I hope to share it with you. Lorraine- (Blushing) And you aren’t a stupid, self centered pig who is also hypocritical and psychopathic and is very wimpy and ugly and fashion senseless who is also mean man who also needs to get a life. (Beat) You aren’t stupid, self centered or a pig. You may eat like one, but you aren’t one when it comes to personality. You aren’t at all hypocritical or psychopathic but you are a little wimpy. (Laughs with him) But that’s okay because you aren’t ugly and fashion senseless. And yes, you are mean, but I’m mean so that’s okay. And yes, I would like to share my life with my best friend. (Press foreheads together and smile) Porter- (Accidentally kicks the table trying to get up and finds the paper, looks at the letter.) Porter- No it’s an actual letter. (Sits down and reads it to her.) Dear my Porter- They take up half the paper. Lorraine- Talk about desperate...he always was. Porter- Read on? Lorraine- Why not. Porter- (Clears throat) Sorry…for leaving you are the altar. I shouldn’t have done it. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have married you because I truly love you to death. Tracie was a big mistake; she was just a little fling. I thought it was something big, but I was blinded by lust. I love you Lorraine- He wants me back? After 6 hours? Really? Porter- I guess. ( Lorraine- Thomas, I don’t love you. I have all I need right here and then some and I always have... Porter- Kiss me? (They kiss sweetly) *Not as wildly as before though. (Carlos comes in clapping dramatically- starts off with slow clap and lets it build) (Curtain call)
© 2010 I'm Not Into LabelsAuthor's Note
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Added on September 1, 2010 Last Updated on September 1, 2010 Author
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