Stuck in an abyss

I'm stuck in the abyss it seems always scratching and clawing to reach the surface that never comes for me praying constantly on my knees for clarity or just any kind of  spiritual battling relief I told myself I would no longer speak of these things but it seems that is part of the cross that I am bearing so therefore it is my testimony until it isn't I guess I will endure it as long as God wants to use it for his glory if I must suffer then suffering it will be anything for my Jesus who died for me what is a little suffering  nothing compared to what he went through when he took the stripes for me 

Oh how I wish that I wasn't stuck in this Abyss that seems never-ending that don't get me wrong I don't highly esteem myself above anybody I know there are others out there far worse than me and enduring things for the glory of Christ as well as me and then our suffering I know it as well please and then that we should count it all joy and not complain about anything and normally I don't I go about my day keeping it all inside until I no longer can sometimes they're just so wait that bears on you so heavy then holding it in is no longer an option and all you feel like doing is just screaming to the top of your lungs terrifying everyone around you unintentionally because you're at the brink of breaking point and you're beyond the point of breaking instead you have been shattered emotionally mentally physically you are exhausted and you're barely even functioning imagine yourself as me how would you cope with these things what would you do would you still be here or do you feel like it's time that you give up to but you see to accept defeat is not me or who God has molded me to be for I've already received victory that day on Calvary why do I keep fighting it is the Lord who fights the battles for me vengeance is mine saith he so now I am left wondering why is the fight upon me when the victory is already been one for me the day I was blood bought for a price at Calvary why is the enemy hell-bent on Oppressing me for what purpose and reason does this serve him what is he accomplishing he's not going to stop me from serving my faith and what I believe and know to be true by personal experience of coming to know the Lord as my personal Savior and receiving him in my heart so I keep asking myself why is this Abyss continuing I feel so dizzy from circling I feel like just bashing my head off the concrete a hundred times over but I know in doing so that will throw me into a coma and put me in a worse position than I'm already facing sober then I think about going back into backsliding I'm just becoming numb again drowning out everything especially Society I guess you could consider me a recluse as of lately  poisonous to everybody who comes in contact with me seeping out toxins with every word that I speak why am I stuck in this Abyss why is it me I know I'm not the only one that has ever entered this and I cannot continue to be ongoing I know Energizer bunny 

My energy is fading greatly I'm so glad that the Lord is my strength even through the darkest things that I Endure there's always a light at the end of the tunnel shining brightly this I know and see I'm always going to believe there is no turning back for me  there's nothing out there for a soul that's known God it's deep it's me and I know there are many others out there who know him just as deeply but let me ask you something how much do you think one heart and mind can bear the body if I take my life it's hell for me for eternity there is no forgiveness for suicide there is no compassion for someone that ever decides to take their life that is not rightfully Theirs to make that decision with but ending the pain really does feel inviting I'm not lying every single day it seems like the easier decision for me what type of woman would I be for Jesus if I allow defeat no wonder everybody still sees unstable girl me but don't they know that taking care of other lives that's what keeps me going helping others make a difference in there troubles and needs for my faith is what keeps me breathing it's not friends  materialistic items or family all of these things are just temporary I know I'm not saying that they don't hold a special place in my heart I love everybody but I am saying I'm not here for them I do not stay breathing because they want to be selfish and keep me here I Stay Alive because I serve a duty to my father to my brother to my counselor to my friend and if I ended my life it would not be pleasing to them and I'm not saying that others have not made a difference or an impact in my heart or my mind that God used in keeping me alive this long I am just saying that I am tired I am beyond tired exhaustion cannot exhaust me anymore because I am now numb to exhaustion it has become my comfort my nice fluffy pillow and keeps me humble and maybe that's the point to reach the point of giving up and not yet taking the plunge to know that I was in need of rescue and a savior to learn that I'm not my own and that I exist for something far greater

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[wordman]

just be your self,he will find you when he needs you to do something

[KT-B]

Stay strong in the lord, your faith will be recognised - I can relate to this 100%, it's hard when you are so exhausted and it's hard to find peace, hang in there, know you are not alone :)