Spiritual reasoning (Which farmer am I ?

Story of my life

Spiritual reasoning 

it seems today has been a day for emotion and lots of thinking and praying and being patient and waiting for things that seem like they will never come....

 I think maybe God is teaching me about his timing today and exactly how it works and what he likes to do in that time frame that i am to wait .... 

But for my  heart &  for conscience sake for some reason i act as if i am  to do things right away !

 But, daily he is teaching me to be content.

 especially , when going through things that I don't understand.....

 I am learning to be patient and not so full of anxiety and worrying that im going to miss out on something holy beautiful and amazing .... 

but to place  trust in man isnt easy for me .... Because,  long ago ....

 he showed me just how different he really is from who we are as humans....

 he is a holy holy just timely and orderly  God ! 

 his way and willand thoughts are  high above ours ! 

I cannot stress to you enough just how true this is .... 

and of course I am learning this by personal expierience and  in his word daily  .... 

 I am studying so much lately, and spending more time with him in the spirit then I ever have in my flesh before...  and because I have been denying my flesh my spirit is growing stronger and becoming heightened and consciously aware....  

I am focusing on less things of the world and being heightened and enlightened even more on things above.... 

And, now my attention is constantly being transformed  on holy and righteous things .... No the world! 

Godly things & Good report thats what i now stand for .... 

 and I am trying to pay attention more to the Lord than I ever have before .... 

But , it seems that I am hindered and being able to do things at this time because I do not drive ..... 

It  can be a discouragement sometimes !

 I am hopeful that I will pass this test if it be my father's will though .... 

And, if he wills  to use me in the field for his glory.... I will go.. & as necessary even 

travel!

So many doubt me and still see me as the incabable unstable girl though.... 

and if it's not so .... And he Wills for me a different place to work and be used .... And, they are right ... Then okay, thats fine! But for some reason I have it in me to prove them wrong and to show them otherwise .... I don't believe that that's deep down inside rooted in my heart for no reason.... I mean after all I'm here to please God not man's opinion and them thinking they're right! I don't believe there should be any limitations with serving Christ! 

And if I'm wrong then I'm wrong I have no problem admitting a flaw that resides.... In my conscience sometime.... 

 I say Lead Me onward Lord let it always be your will and not mine keep me confined  use me right where I am if it be pleasing in your sight !

 I will follow and I will go wherever he may say .... But,  I want to be sure that it is our father  that is leading me and not my self will ..... 

If anything that I think or feel goes against him or his word then I say Lord help me be still..... subject my body , discipline my flesh,  and teach me  to be more content  with what your will is not what I think it should be!

" Because you are my father " and you know what's best for me!

But , I'm not sure if they are right about what they think .... 

I mean come on I think that's making God too small don't you think?

To me that is limiting God in the way that he Wills to use me and then my opinion goes against Biblical teaching because I am learning that I'm to go out and to do Outreach  and lead  those who need to be led to the water to drink... some people need that cohearsing! 

And I'm not saying you know just use me I'm saying God can use a donkey!

But , what if it is me? What if im that Donkey ? What if you are????

 ... and then I listen to man's opinion instead of what God's word teaches me... and I miss a blessing or everyone involved does???? 

I can sit and tell you all day long about what I think .... 

But it doesn't mean that I'm right either because everyone thinks they're right in their own eyes..... 

But if I'm wrong then why is this passion inside of me why is there this driving in my spirit almost like an unction calling out to me to be a part of much bigger  things in 

society ....

 I like to think that it is for a higher greater reason that cannot be explained or understood only accepted and done as it is fit in the Lord!

 It is so  hard to walk by faith blindly!

 but it's worth it to me " 

But I got to say" 

 sometimes....  I just need that blessed reassurance  to know that I am walking rightly and doing everything that is pleasing unto him in his way " because there has been times ... when has used others.... and I had to stay! 

And I know that he uses one to plant one to sow one  water one to labor and the other to reap harvest.... so which Farmer am I today ?? 

that is what I am contemplating right now...

Because, 

no matter how much of a struggle that becomes for me to discern ...

 I know i am not here of my own self will.... & I am The Lords!

 for a long time ago I died deeply ... and only recently have these Dry Bones come alive again !

because of the spirit of him that dwells in me now my soul has been revived and is thirsty to reach !

And, despite having been so broken before I didn't think that was possible for me .... and that surely I would have been self devoured greatly .... but I see now  as I am recovering  that He uses that brokeness of others for his glory! 

 so when I am hearing of all of these worldly problems and things arising with the conscience of many carnally  doubting my capability of being used by him as he Wills to use me and my story..... 

 I find myself sometimes often becoming frustrated when somebody doesn't understand what is deep inside of me and that there is  a deep passion that can only be described as a calling high above me growing .... 

And, because of this truth.... 

 I do not like being hindered in my heart it cannot bear any stumbling blocks placed before me .... 

But, it seems like every time I want to do a work for Jesus or I feel that Jesus is calling me to do a work for some reason things just don't work out the way I hope they will be and because of this I become troubled and it saddens me .... 

because when walking with the Lord and being there for others now doing my part that only I can do as he appoints me to... Not being able to causes me to feel  inadequate & incomplete ... And, that im failing as a missionary!

Don't get me wrong "

I am not a man pleaser by no means " I just know that it matters to be there for these things....  especially if and when someone is close to going home ... Im the type of soul that if you mention something it matters to me and if i believe there is a purpose for me to serve within these things ...  and I don't like nobody telling me....  that I'm not capable of accomplishing anything!"

....  I feel like God has given  me a gift to see spiritually hurting because I know that hurt because I went through that hurt my senses of that has heightened greatly.... 

And I can see past what they tried to bury and keep hidden from everybody!

Because I was that very person before.... You see 

And now I feel that it is my duty to show them there's a better way and answer with coping and it's by surrendering! 

And I know that it matters to God to be there and to be that shoulder to cry on and that and embrace ..... that leads them to the Water by love encouragement of living water that now resides in me ..... And, to testify the importance of not staying stuck t thinking there is no hope and that dying is all that remains ... 

 I love being the one to invite them to drink so they too can be filled and become merry! .....

I also know though that it's not always going to be me and I have to learn to be content until he chooses to once again use me..... 

To me that is the hardest part when witnessing and trying to win souls for God against the enemy that fights to hinder this great work from happening ... 

Whether it be me or somebody else it's always the same thing it seems.... 

But in my time of contentment I am learning

that meeting the needs of others matters to him greatly !

I know that I am only only one person I'm not I can't  lead everybody  but this is what I have to say  to the world you may be one person but to one person you may be  the world! 

 And, everybody else always wants to do other things self-willed and self pleasing... 

But that is not who God has molded me to be!

And I know that having to depend on others makes me Limited in what I can offer anybody

But that is soon changing.... 

And though, 

 I don't understand....  why my heart has to keep enduring these things ..... I've accepted

that sometimes there is going to be a no for me! 

I guess I'm just a spoiled Christian baby just always wanting to be a part of what God is doing.... 

Because ,  being unable to have much access is unfair to me... 

 But,  I know it's not about me .... and times like this ,  I just have to discipline emotions rising up in me! 

 these are just some of my feelings and thoughts that I am having this evening ... 

 I know they don't come forward for any bad or Ungodly reason though .... 

because , I feel like God wants to do something and he works through you and me we are the body of Christ  

but if the heart is not willing than he equips another that it is 

and I just don't want him not to use you or me you see .... 

I believe these feelings arise because , God wants  to use us for his glory!

But,  he will not force anybody and I believe this is why I become angry because it's missing out on a blessing for someone else and I believe even us as well .... 

And, i now see.... that you are not yet ready, 

 so yeah in the near future there is a license coming !

There will be no more codependent me ... 

Reviews

[wordman]

well if we could actually be one with him we could achieve anything,but self always seems to interfere ,causing doubt

[Farmgirl]

You can be and I know the feeling .. you just have to rebuke doubt .. doubt doesn't come from God it comes from the enemy . the devil loves to attack the mind its his greatest weapon for deceiving and misleading hearts meant to know be saved and serve God ...