You ask me how I'm doing

You ask me how I'm doing
I smile and say fine



But deep down im screaming at God in confusion
Feeling I want to die



You ask me how I'm doing
And it angers my heart everytime



you never see my eyes that fill with tears and dark rings under my eyes from being so tired



Everytime that question begins to arise
I try to hide the tears but they fall down my cheeks so fast I can't stop them they just flow and flow like a river with no where else to go


gently streaming down into the floor


for You I say I'm alright it's nothing don't worry I'm fine



You then ease in mind grab me in an embrace and say it will be okay and things will get better youll see your going to come out of this

but I don't see through this glass that you see full I see it empty and am losing hope I feel I'm at the brink of losing my religion it seems if you only knew



what goes circling in my mind you probably would keep your embrace longer
Instead of always shouting and screaming
And pushing me away when I try to hold you because I'm so afraid

You ask me how I'm doing

And say

I'm fine but deep down it's a lie

The truth is I'm barely standing solid

I'm not strong

I'm vulnerable and weaker than weak in my mind

And I feel it's easier to jump off the edge of a cliff than to face this one more year
without my freedom of who I once was

I cant even be myself

Often times I just lay awake and talk to

Angels

Author's Note

https://youtu.be/8_5U0M9ErGA

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is a nicely true-to-life description of the way we can often put on a mask in life. I like that you are expressing pain but also still remembering to include artistic expression which is graceful & descriptive. Even tho I prefer for a sad message to end on a more positive note, I think your ending is honest & creative, with a blend of hopelessness & hopefulness.

[Farmgirl]

Thank you For the honest review Barley Girl
Sorry , I know its been a while since my last write , a lot has been changing for the better in my life . I can honestly say I am refilled with a new hope and strength the more I travel in my spirituality faith journey . I am so glad that I did not take my life when I was this faded from the world that surrounds me , And the people that love me so deep ... But, sadly their love just isn't enough to keep me here ... But , My Hope and My Faith & Beliefs have been the reason I am still here .... People just do not and cannot understand hidden grief and the deep dark secrets of why it pierces the heart and mind so deep that they feel the only answer is to Take Your Life ... But, I am learning the closer I draw to Jesus ... That we do not have the right to make that choice ... Because , we are not here for ourselves ... I learned this the hard and difficult way ... Fighting God ! It was easier for me to be angry at him then to trust him and surrender all that troubles me here ... But, I am finally making my peace with not having an answer to the deepest hurt that has happened to me ... But , By His Mercy & Amazing Grace that comforts me .... I am Overcoming ! =')

[barleygirl]

Wishing you the best in your journey . . . so much of it, I totally relate to. I'm 60, but was suicidally depressed much of my life, due to child abuse & more. Finally learned the part about not making my happiness dependent on how others treat me & more on the wellspring of spirit within me. It can be a long tough journey, but as you say, so glad I didn't blow myself away at any point . . . (((HUGS)))

[Farmgirl]

Thank you Barley Girl & Ditto

[Davidgeo]

So... how are you doing anyway?

[Kristina Moulaison]

This seems like a really honest, transparent portrayal of the struggles of life, how often we feel invisible, our feelings disregarded by others, how other people cannot know what is happening inside of us and we are all alone there. The last line was just beautiful!

[Farmgirl]

Thank you... So true so glad you understood the meaning of this deep and special piece of a part of my life & struggle with many things unspeakable