When will it be over

So many times my mind fills with questions

seeking out answers that never seem to come

I've searched and searched for a solid response but all I seem to get are parables
And remain stuck in the dark trying to figure them out over and over becoming more insane and unstable

When will my clarity come to be able to receive this freedom I long to conquer in achieving making my own


I've traveled down this journey blind by Faith for so long trusting and surrendering all


Yet I'm still hindered in my heart from receiving the fullness of Love & fullfillment thereof

I lack in peace and I get no sleep


It seems my whole world is turned against me


My life as it stands feels empty


My solitude is a comfort to me

I could slumber all day if people wouldn't think to awake me and feed me


I'm depressed it's certain


Majorly depressed is my curtain

that no one else sees because I pretend so well about recovery

I just wanted to be done being psychoanalyzed by some one who only sees me as a name in their list they have to see and are obligated to give an hour to in order to receive a weekly paycheck

It's sad what this world is coming to
It's not about the people anymore for the people it's just them self absorbed and insincere



Going to this counselor has not helped


I need the counselor

The comforter to come down


But he only ever visits me every once in a while


Never does he linger for long

Only long enough to let me know he wants to help but I have to do my part I don't know how to let go
And turn the control to him of this over


Broken again it seems

And I'm worsening

Sad part is nobody knows it as deep as him and me


A glimpse is what others see

But if they could stop overlooking
My feelings and how I barely even eat or drink or want to function anymore


They would see that the problem that I keep hidden so they will be okay and feel more secure


Goes much deeper than just what's on the surface anymore


If they only knew how often I think of that razor or that rope


But I won't travel too dark into this matter

I won't



After all I promised this year would be the end of that subject matter


So instead I'm sitting here in my vehicle isolate viewing the sunshine and listening to all my beautiful farm creatures praise the Lord this morning


Thinking about better days

And no longer wanting to remain sober


Wondering ....


When will it be over