Why does it always seem (War against the mirror )

Why does it always seem that in something I'm trying to understand I begin struggling

Why does this blockage in my head keep hindering me from progressing forward in the goals I aim to achieve

What is the reason for this madness and when will it leave me be

It's become total insanity

All I want and need is just a clear way of understanding things without becoming confused and uncertain of the path I'm following by faith faithfully

Why does it always seem the one I am in war with the most is me

What am I accomplishing with this over analyzing way of thinking

It has literally become an oppression to me


My own worst enemy is truly me

It seems daily I'm at war against the mirror that is the person staring back at me


And I've already had a fight with it literally the last time we didn't agree

I have the scars that speak for themselves about that piece of my history

But only this time I do not want or need a repeat of hurting me because I fail to understand and see things clearly

I want me strong and sure about things


I do not like having to question things

And if I am then something isnt right

obviously


I'm so sick of doctors trying to help me know who I am so I will be able to be a me
that is normalcy approved and accepted


I am a pool of emotions lately though

So I have returned to doctors for help sadly again with this area I'm faltering

Not that my faith isn't enough for me

It always will be

But life and making choices are tough for mentally challenged people like me and using free will doesn't come easy I've been through things and have been traumatized by society

and having others try to understand you is a losing battle it seems all they want to see and notice is the wrong you are making or causing

It's never about what your doing right they see sadly in our society with blind eyes


they never see you trying they fail to recognize that completely


And I believe it matters to have that one on one understanding with people to help balance me for society and coping

And for unity to be possible

But lately once again I'm not doing well with this balance thing and harmony way of living even though I'm really trying


And that is not pleasing to God to be imbalanced about anything


Oh the troubles behind the war with the mirror and peoples opinions of me


Oh how much easier life would be if there were an explanation in why I am like this


I would know how to handle me and so would they

And to catch things before they become a trigger in setting me off angrily

Oh how nice that would be so nice for everybody


I just want to be a better me than what everyone else is used to seeing with me

I'm tired of disappointing God my family my friends


And most of all me

I don't want it to be like what you see is what you get deal with it

I want it to be like you see this difficulty with you about how you respond to things differently than that do

I'm going to teach you how to manage you so you can balance it and

change this that hinders you


and become a better you so that will be accepted understood and loved by everybody and have less anxiety and worry too

And you will not offend others who fail to understand you


Because who can define you better than you if you know you


No one ..


Only Jesus ... & Your father God that created you ...

And those he uses to teach you and instruct you .. to mold you to grow you ...


So you can help others too ...

But I'm not past this point of helping me yet..


And to get this balance balanced myself isnt working


So once again ...

I have to take this step forward .. even when I feel I'm going backward for a moment ... sometimes its okay to start over .. there is nothing wrong with having to relearn something you missed and didn't get before .. because it didn't click or stick it in your brain or heart like a post it is a stapler ... And it didnt stay in your roladex.. either.. I'm learning its okay not to be normal...

It's important to for many reasons though to back track for a time ... as necessary .. to be better at something that your struggling with mastering .. over and over..



Because it's not healthy or fair to keep hurting yourself and others..


Just because you don't see things as others in the way that they do ... doesn't make you imperfect ...

I'm learning its okay that your not like them ..

And it's okay that you are you ..

But there is always room to improve ...

And improvement starts here with you ..

And

If you can defeat you than you win !



And what better way to do that than to let someone else in ???

It doesn't always have to be a war within..

There is a way out of this ... vicious inner self outer self fighting !

but you have to realize when it's time for the cycle of this insanity of an unhealthy and imbalanced you to end these hinderances and confusion


especially when you keep losing your Faith family and friends as well as your focus and determination and will to function and desire to fit in also ..

It matters to be accepted ... and loved. . And understood.. and cared about ...

Life wouldn't be life without these ..

So it is okay to make the choice to want to change for conforming to society

As long as you don't lose sight of why you made this decision to keep trying to improve because deep down it's not just for pleasing them


It's for God too do he can use you ... for his glory ...

we all have our testimonies...

Having and understanding Mental illness will always be part of mine ..




:-) :-) :-) :-)