Losing My Baby

A poem of losing my child due to grief aggression and unbearable emotion on top of an infection factoring that took it from me

Losing my baby came as such a shock to me I can remember the day the moment the excitement the joy that came over me I remember the hysterical planning and the discussions we were having that caused a panic to wave over him greatly

 I remember finances being a concern and wondering how we would manage to feed yet another life other than him and me I remember it like it was yesterday the memory plays back in my head on rewind daily

 everytime I witness a mother and child enjoying their time together or when the mother brags in love and admonition of what they endure with them being a mother and yet it never gets easier for me to overcome

 forget and let go of what I endured that prevented me from having that little blessing that is unexplained and only understood by personal expirience also I am haunted of the moment the day the feelings the emotion and the anger as well as anxiety 

and the carelessness from being selfish maybe if he would have acknowledge that I was miscarry in would have mattered instead he sat and enjoyed his game of yugioh of course I do not just blame that moment I blame many leading up to it 

I remember the days leading up to that horrible anguish happening to me I remember everything I remember arguing and fighting and weeping uncontrollably feeling as if I would just take my baby and leave I remember the emotions that came from my family and how they were not happy for me

 but instead worried and concerned because it wasn't fit for them to accept it I remember nobody was happy but me I remember the moment of being slammed against the refrigerator in anger and feeling as if my life was in danger and how escaping was the only answer for safety

 but I was drug addicted then and he was my provider of my fix 

I couldn't leave not then I went through so many selfish feelings naturally I blame no one but me for how I lost my baby I know now it was just God intervening and protecting me from what I wasn't ready for

 but I'm not that person anymore and I'm sober now all has been forgiven amended and I married him

 we are not those same people anymore and yet still I am barren a womb closed even still unable to conceive every mothers day every birthday never gets easier for me especially being an aunt of 15

 I'm always pitied and felt sorry for and bought things as if a gift will make the loss of it any better for me all it does is remind me of the many mistakes I made that caused me the loss of my baby

 and why God still had not felt I was fit to be a parent I remember that day it's a day I could never forget the sharp shooting stabbing pains in my legs that went straight into my back shooting up my spine numbing me so much I felt paralyzed I remember being afraid and not able to understand 

why and what was happening with this life I had inside I hate myself I will not lie I loathe me because my baby died and I'm still yet to conceive now 31 and instead of being a mother in my stomach there is something other than anything but joyful 

But that's talk of a whole other level I will not go there tonight

 I will only become an inconsolable pitiful grievous heart even more

 I'm wondering though could this be the only reason I'm still unable to bear is this why my womb is still closed by God

 One of many thoughts remaining deep inside of me I'll never forget Losing My Baby A piece of me was left behind that day greatly And there is no consoling the talks of that memory I have forgiven but yet I still grieve and feel so empty

Reviews

[Farmgirl]

Thank you Wordman!

I long for that day more than anything

[wordman]

but one day here on earth your life will end,you will journey to heaven,where your baby will meet you at the gate,and lead you in..beautiful testimony

[Farmgirl]

Thank You Dhiman for your kind heartfelt words
And sincerity

I pray that happens for us too !
But for now God has me doing many other things
I'm sure one day that will be a part of my reality
But sadly not anytime soon I battle a lot of health issues too
Its complicated my friend very complicated

Just keep us in prayer about it would you please ?
Thank you & God Bless You !

[Inject Positivity]

I want to give you a hug... I'm really sorry for your loss frnd, I really don't know what to say, you have dealt so much pain in life... No pain comparable with the pain of the mother who has lost her child... I pray to God that He gives you another little one to give peace and love to your heart... My prayers are with you frnd... God bless you...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[JMaster1]

Your writing is very powerful
I hope it helped you to feel better