The Second Choice

I only remember vaguely as it occurred a few nights ago. I mistakenly refer to all of them as dreams when most are in fact, nightmares. It was like I was back in high school again-- ninth grade, the chubby girl, the weird girl, the ugly friend, the second choice, a great personality but the looks could be better…always the second choice. 

 It was the old him but in the new him body. He was texting her again, flirting, etc. She was one of my best friends, an unofficial God sister, so she told me. But it still felt like the time before, a betrayal on both their parts. Did she really care this time or was she going to back stab me again?

 I remember the hallway, screaming at him, asking him why. Why? I thought he changed, I thought it was different this time, I thought he loved me. He denies his infidelity, he chases after me, he tries to explain himself as I run for the descending stairwell. She trails behind him as he runs after me, they both seem worried, him more so. Is he scared he was caught or scared of losing me?

 As I approach the stairwell, I grab the railing with both hands and collapse against it, my knees hitting the hard tile. Wailing cries escape me, robbing me of any breath as my diaphragm heaves. I want to disappear, I want to cease to exist, I don’t want to feel anymore as hot chills run down my spine, filling me with anxiety. He touches me, his hand grazing underneath my arm, his voice pleading with me. I cannot make out what he is saying, only that it is him trying to express his love for me, his attempt at sorry. I can’t focus, my mind clouded and foggy with intense emotions.

 Why wasn’t I enough? I felt I was more a match for him than her, we got along so well, he was my best friend. We were both intelligent, into the same things, the same music, the same humor. Why her? Her looks maybe, her body, do men care about nothing more? I thought he was different now. He seemed so changed, so different, I had been fooled again. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but we connected on a different level, so why wasn’t I able to keep him? Why did he stray to her for what seemed like the second time?

 Don’t be so silly, girl…nothing has changed. You’ll always be the second choice.