The Bucket List of Crime

Well what's more fun than an old man who is out to avenge his cat through an extensive bucket list of crime!

The quite town of Sandacre. A hotspot for every elderly person in the South of England. Zimmer frames and pharmacies line the streets. Sandacre has more drug users than Amsterdam in summer. Evening entertainment in Sandacre consist of bingo or antiques roadshow. John Black was here to change things to something more exciting because what’s more exciting than murder?

Once John Black had entered Sandacre it was time to select his victim. Maybe some old biddy on their way to Pilates. All John Black knew was that it had to be someone old. He held the strong opinion that old people are very selfish, how dare they live so long. This was something John Black aimed to change? For the only thing old people add to the area are care homes, and medical bills. John black was here to help the economy, save the NHS and complete number two on his bucket list all at the same time.

John Black waited until the late night bingo session at Sandacre’s local church was finished. He never really liked bingo. However dear old Gladys loved bingo, and had recently been awarded bingo player of the year. An achievement she was very proud of. So when she finally pottered out of the church and saw John Black she truly believed he was coming to congratulate her, on her superior bingo playing skills. How wrong was she? Now John Black was a big fan of spontaneity, claiming it was the true spice of life. He took this into account when he noticed Gladys was walking with a big wooden cane. He decided that he would steal her cane, and proceed to beat her with it. Gladys hit the deck like a sack of potatoes. Which is similar to what she looked like after John Black was finished. Gladys was left on the side of the pavement, for the bin men to collect. Pulling out his notebook, John Black crossed murder off his bucket list.

If you are wondering why John Black has just gone and murdered poor old Gladys for the sake of a bucket list. Then you have to look to three months ago, when John Black discovered that he had a year two at best left until he died. The big C. As you can probably guess John Black did not take the news well. Before this John Black was your perfect citizen. With the perfect lawn, he read the local paper and had never committed a single crime in his life. So you can imagine that John Black thought it was terribly unfair that he should have to die. While terrorists and drug lords continued to live. However his greatest motivation to create his bucket list of crime were his next door neighbours. Devout Catholics, who were so biblical they could be the next disciples. However they accidently ran over John Black’s dear old Tabby cat Tiddles the third. A brutal murder that John Black has never truly recovered from. Since he had, so little time left why not commit some crime and avenge the Late Tiddles the third.

The Bucket List

1.       1.High Treason

2.       2. Murder

3.       3.Hit and run

4.       4.Shoplifting

5.       5.Speeding

6.       6.Vandalism

7.       7.Drunk Driving

8.       8.Jay Walking

9.       9. Fraud

10.  10. Money Laundering

John Black was a royalist at heart. He loved the Queen and everything royal. He is the proud owner of seventy-two different royal commemorative mugs. Considering this High Treason was a strange thing to have as number one on his bucket list. John Black hated swans. Killing a swan in John Blacks eyes is basically High Treason. It would have to do.

All John Black had to do was work out how to kill a swan. John Black didn’t want to have to go near a swan again after a damaging experience as a child; involving Ice cream, a cigarette and a broken kettle. To say the least poor John Black ended up with a broken arm and some swan related childhood trauma. After some research on the interweb, John Black learned that swans are highly allergic to acorns. A quick stop off at the local farmers market left John Black with everything he needed to commit high treason. He had the bait a loaf of bread. Then he set the trap stuffing, the loaf full with acorns just like his sister had violated the last Christmas turkey.

Sitting by the river he tried to look inconspicuous armed with a bag of Werther's originals and poor Gladys’s cane he looked like any other over 60. The sun was setting and it was prime swan feeding time. John Black sighed as he realised he was missing his favourite show, Countdown. The swan had to die quick or John Black wouldn’t make it home in time to work out the next dingbat puzzle. The swans were on the far side of the river too far for dear old John Black to reach. In an attempt to draw them closer John Black threw some Werther’s in the water. Thankfully his plan worked and the swans began to swim over.

The swans had arrived and began to amble out of the water nearing closer and closer. John Black became overcome with emotion as his unresolved childhood trauma came racing back. In panic he threw the entire loaf at the head swan, whose neck instantly snapped. John Black gripped his arm remembering the pain of the swan attack. He took solace in the dead and now twitching body of the swan. John Black could sadly not leave the swan there for any Tom, Dick or Harry to find. John Black grabbed Gladys’s cane and prodded at the swan, before stabbing it into the water. The body washed away slowly down the river before becoming lodged in some weeds. Job done. In doing this he had completed number 1 on his bucket list so pulling out his notebook he crossed out High Treason. Tiddles the third would be pleased on how swiftly John Black was completing the Bucket List.

Author's Note

This is quite sick but hopefully funny. I am not fussed about punctuation I know I suck! Hopefully it's good please just let me Know thank you.

Reviews

[Jody Claggett]

I don't know what NHS stands for, can you spell this out in the story? Also, I'm not convinced as to why John Black wants to kill old people besides the fact they are a drain on the economy. Is there more of a back story here that you can tell which will help illustrate the point? Maybe his grandfather did horrible things... I don't know, but I want to feel his hatred more.

Overall, I really like the character, John Black. It's really unusual that a murderer chooses old people as his victims which makes the story really humorous. I feel like you could go further with this. Tease out John's back story and really describe in detail his crimes.

Anyway, good luck with your writing!