Emoticons make me /sadface

Dancing is forbidden. But liking some things about internet culture (and not other things) is permitted.

All your base are belong to us
makes me laugh
every time

it is the name of my fantasy football team
which is hosted by a website
for a group of men
some of whom are in their 40s
and still call each other "brah"

which bugs my wife
but not me

i am indifferent to "brah"
and "chill"
(though "chillax" clearly goes too far)
and though i would not use "brah" myself,
i do not begrudge it to others

O! but i do begrudge emoticons

they make me /sadface
which is totally fine to express with a slash and a non-existent one-word compound
or with leet speakage
(cuz 1337 is ftw)

which my wife calls an arbitrary prejudice

as if hating emoticons
and loving 1337
have anything to do with each other

but if that were so
then people who like the honey badger video
(and either you like the honey badger video or you are wrong)
would also like lolcats
(and either you hate lolcats or you are wrong)

so there is nothing inconsistent
about loving 1337
and hating smilies

as proven by building bumper sticker logic
into a virtual syllogism
(which is different from a regular syllogism,
obviously,
in that it is encountered online
and may otherwise lack the qualities of logic
traditionally associated with
non-virtual
. . . please come back to this part later
when i have figured out how to phrase things
so as not to betray
that I am unsure
how to pluralize
syllogism)

but in any case
you take my point

which is that "honey badger don't care" is brilliant
and "chillax" is idiotic
and so
please don't draw faces with punctuation
because it upsets me

which does not mean I am crotchety

crotchety people don't accept rule #34
according to which
if something exists
there IS porn of it

which is truer than the hipsters think

because they say
the rule does not apply
to abstract concepts

so stuff like language cannot be rule 34-ed

except that it already has been

there IS porn of English
i've seen it

it's all over Youtube
in these segments called
"Ask the Editor"
from Merriam-Webster

and if listening
to Emily Brewster
as she discusses
flat adverbs
does not make you feel
the way you feel
when you are watching porn
then you are watching the wrong porn
my friends

but they reply
dude what is wrong with you

that is not porn of English

and what have you got
against emoticons
anyway?

Author's Note

According to some sources,
"somebody set up us the bomb"
is not just a bad translation, but a subliminal call to terrorist organizations.

Their logic?

Read backwards, the line of gibberish says,
"Bomb the U.S.; upset somebody."

Bin Laden may have been eliminated,
but the real threat to worldwide peace and prosperity,
is the faulty translation
found in a Japanese video game.

The more you know!

Reviews

[Emily]

This is interesting but not really what I meant my the contest Emotions. Good job though. Keep writing.

[The Nude Writer]

Hehe.. I didnt get most of your references. But I thought it was very interesting :) Very good idea for a Poem :)