Life.

A Story by Casey Nicolee

For Taylor. It' because of you I keep trying.

Hello, my name is Casey. I am 17 years old and I want to tell you something. I want to show the world, that not everything in life comes easy and not everything in life is just handed to you. You have to work for it, you have to have a reason. A reason to wake up, a reason to make your bed, a reason to do better. Sometimes, we get lost in the world and we forget to realize that we to are apart of this world. Everything has a reason; it has to. If everything was just as it was, no questions asked, how do we determine the reason for the simple daily activities in our life or even bigger than that, determine the reason for ourselves to become something better than we suspected? How do we go about pretending everything is okay when it really isn't? Bills are atrocious, I can't afford rent, and God, it's like where is he these days. It just doesn't make sense. Well, that is when you become vulnerable to the world and numb to feeling, you begin to feel nothing at all. The pain of wanting to become perfect fades and you begin wanting to be good enough. Borderline good enough. Your mascara runs, your make-up smudges and you can't see the reason why. Maybe it's because you're beautiful just the way you are and you shouldn't let make-up define you. Or maybe it's simply because you're not a barbie, God has more respect for you than perfect little barbie.

I have had my share of mistakes. Things that stupid little teenagers do that at the time we designate that as " fun". Smoking Pot. Drinking a little here and a little there. At age 17 life's a party and you can't seem to grab a hold of the real world. Soon, future plans come along faster than you can down a beer. You roll the dice, another path that you're going to go down that will lead you to another dead end. Again and again you will fail. You will cry, you will be seen as a joke. You may wake up one day and just think to yourself " Why am I even here?" It's all part of the game. You have to play, and believe me it's not about luck. It's all about decisions.

My decisions. Not so great. I decide to act impulsively to my emotions, act relentless and act like I have no feeling. And it's easier said than done to stop being the way you've always wanted to be. I am the way I am because I want to be this way. Have you ever wished to be someone so bad and then when you see yourself transform into them, you dream of being yourself. Running away from everything trying to get what you put off back. It's lost, it's hidden behind a barrier you refuse to remove. You're stubborn, you're crazy you say. You're only as crazy as you make your mind out to be. Nothing in life, and I mean nothing is worth losing yourself over. So you've made mistakes, name one person who hasn't? God doesn't count.

Today is November 18th, 2014. I'll be 18 in July. I'm not going to lie, as big and bad as I may seem, I am not ready to be 18. I know that I will screw up, I know that things will be tough, I know that I will break down and with the ways I cope, if I don't recover from this now, I mind as well just settle for a tough life of sleeping on the streets. I saw a little girl today and she looked at her mom and asked her for a hug and the mom looked at her and said, no, I'm busy. Busy doing what? Texting your new man? Or figuring out what you're having for dinner. No child is to be ignored. Not in my eyes. I refuse to let what happened to me, happen to anyone else. Thank the lord for my grandfather. Sometimes, we take things for granted. We take people for granted. I know that this life is not easy, but not all things are easy, and not all things are going to be handed to you.

Relationships. They suck. They hurt, they really hurt. People say that love isn't supposed to hurt, and that is a metaphor in itself. Love hurts. Whether it is being kissed for the first time or being looked at with the dire need to be held. We lose what we cling to, so why cling to something so true and poignant? I'll tell you why. We cling because it's something we need to hold on to. Not like a crutch, but sometimes it takes another person to make us see the important pieces of us. I have been through a lot, and I am happy to say that I have found someone. Her name is Taylor. She's beautiful in every way possible. When I say beautiful I don't mean the way her body is, or how she puts on make-up, or how her pants look on her hips. I mean, the way her eye- lashes trace her eyes, and how her eyes light up mine. How her lips are curved, so beautifully made. How her hair curves and fits her face. How she smiles, it's like watching a sunrise peak out from the mountains in the fog early in the morning. All misty, and it's amazing to see someone so beautiful look at me and say they love me. She's not beautiful because of her looks though. That just makes her even more lovely. It's her mind. How she thinks and how she lights up a room. Well, my room. She puts a smile on my face, and a smile on my heart. When I look into her eyes, I can confidently say that I see more than a broken soul. More than someone who is recovering. I see someone so worth figuring out. I see someone worth fighting for. I see someone who deserves more than I could ever offer. I know that this life is long, and we may not be on the same page, but forever and always in the same book. The girl is a work of art, I can't help but stare. She knows me better than I know myself. She wants more for me that I ever wanted. She has everything I have ever wanted. It all lays there in her eyes. Every breath she takes, amazes me in ways she will never be able to comprehend. Once you have a reason to do something, everything else becomes easier. Not too easy, but easy to keep pushing up the mountain. And we may or may not be together forever. If we aren't, then I have nothing to say than she helped me find myself in a world so full of s**t. And if we are, then I'm blessed. I don't have time for what if's just everyday simplicity. She amazes me because she is Taylor, not for the make-up she wears or the way her clothes fit her. For her voice when it cracks, it sends lightning bolts through my heart. For her heart that she lets me through the gate. For her personality that is so rare and perfectly crafted in every way. For when she get's sick and tells me to go away. For when she yells at me, I know she is only doing it because she cares. And because she is simply everything I've ever wanted in a girl.

And that Is my Story so far... The rest is yet to be determined in the following years. Thank you for reading. Stay Strong.

- Casey.

© 2014 Casey Nicolee

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Reviews

Moomal Ahmed

this is awesome, i think that if someone doesn't love you, they're wrong and its their bad... u should never undervalue urself, u seem like a great person

Posted 10 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Konigin

I was crying at the end of this... Casey... You are amazing and so is Taylor. :) I hope that you can always be loved by someone. Congrats and BEAUTIFUL pen.