Daddy issues

Daddy issues, fathers, daughters

I find myself in bed with older men some days
Daddy issues they say
I've always been good at self reflection
I don't feel like I'm looking for an older male figure in them
Still, I just nod away
I can't seem to tie this man to scars you left in me
It's the sex, I guess
It's just better with experienced fellas
I keep nodding anyway
I find myself drunk and dancing with sleezy strangers some days
Daddy issues they say
I always knew some things you did let me down
And yea it's sad
But I just don't see it
I drink because it's fun - I'm not trying to numb any pain you left behind
I find myself hurt some days
By men who tell me they love me, by flames so intense I lose myself in them
Men who write me songs and poems then walk away
Like its nothing
Men whose tongues drip words like honey while they break me
Men who watch it happen from afar and love me with words only
'You're my princess, you're my world'
They say
Men who do no bad thing, say no bad thing
Men who say all the right things then do nothing
'You're my princess, you're my world'
You said
10 minutes before getting drunk and beating mum half to death
Before snorting blow off naked women and crashing the car
Before disappearing off into the night and not coming back till we're convinced you're never coming back
No one said daddy issues
Bad luck, bad choices they say
I don't know what's the issue but I know that when they tell me beautiful things and touch me like I'm special i feel like I'm out of my place if I ask them to stay
To be faithful
To explain why they stop caring
I just think it's okay
I expect it
I expect a man to shower me with words of love and tender then run my heart to its grave
I don't think I'm entitled to anger
That's just how men love, don't they?

I find myself drugged up on the floor near my bed some days
Writing things, drowning in music and liquor
Forgetting to care about people
Ignoring calls, texts
Making them worry
I find myself being selfish some days
Infantile, childish, self destructive for fun, nothing else
I find myself putting 5 minutes of glory and excitement above everyone else, disregarding their feelings
Walking in and out of lives, saying things, pretty, leaving silently
Daddy issues they say
They think I do it because you hurt me, abandoned me, chose drugs and women over me, all the while repeating over and over again how much you loved me
They said that kind of thing probably scarred me, made me this way
This isn't revenge, this isn't resentment
My life's not a reaction, it's a reflection
It's not daddy issues
I am my dad

Reviews

[Nicole Laszlo]

"I don't think I'm entitled to anger" Had to be my favorite line. I loved how candid this felt. This poem is brilliant, sincere, even enlightening in some ways. You've captured your thoughts in a remarkable light. Your mind must be an interesting place.

[MinorArt]

Thank you so much for saying that - this piece was definitely one of my more reflective ones. I'm really glad you enjoyed it xxx