A beach trip

A (very) short story

Mia huffed in annoyance and anger as she glared outside the window and into the gray, foggy sky. She watched as the once radiating sky was now vigorously pelting down stinging cold water droplets, ruining her plans to sunbathe at the beach.

 

A loud sniffle snapped Mia out her angry trance and off her seat. In the corner of her eyes, she could make out the shape of her little brother, James, holding his small head in his hands and gently trembling.

 

"What's the matter, James?" she asked, curiosity hinting in her tone. James wiped his small nose with the back of his palm and cleared his throat. "The rain makes me so sad and bored," he exclaimed with a longing sigh.

 

"Maybe you could play with your ball," she suggests, focusing her attention on the basketball hoop across the room. This idea interested James; he quickly jumped up and ran to the basketball hoop, eager to play.

Mia watched on with a smile on her face as her once grief-stricken brother was happily and strategically tossing the ball into the hoop.

 

After a while, James began to slow down, and soon enough he was digging with his head hung low. A frown began to manifest on Mia's face as she made her way to the hoop. "What's the matter now, James?" She  inquired. "It's still no fun, Mia," she whined.

 

"Oh! How about I play with you?" Mia proposed. The previous interest aroused again; James had always enjoyed playing with his older sister.

 

Time flew past as James and Mia entertained themselves in a game of basketball. Mia was so immersed in the intense game that she had barely acknowledged the change in weather. Beaming with sun rays was the blue, clear sky, not one gray cloud in sight.

 

"Mia, look! We can go to the beach now!"" James screamed in excitement. Indeed, to Mayas contentment, the weather was fit for a trip to the beach. Hurriedly, the pair rushed out of the house and down the street on a mission to the beach.

Author's Note

Please keep in mind that I'm a beginner 🙂. Honest opinion?

Reviews

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

i loved it. i LOVE how simple and straightforward this story is. the experience as a child being bored on a rainy day, the relationship between two siblings, the elder sibling needing to think and come up with a solution to their problem. these are universal experiences. without any reference to the setting, our mind fills in the gaps. we do not find out 'where' they are, but it doesn't matter. this is not America, or Nepal, or Eritrea, this is MY home.
it electrifies memories and pathos as we imagine the two children first being bored, then thinking, discussing, deciding, and then playing together.
the sun comes up in the end, as is natural. but this scene has a deeper meaning. there's a French saying "après la pluie, le beau temps" (after the rain, comes sunshine) which of course is not always talking about the weather.
i think your simple style works for you. there's a tendency for authors to use esoteric vocabulary - i believe the term is sesquipedalian - but the use of straightforward language here is very effective. i was drawn into the world of the story, and found myself so involved with the characters. and the style reflects their innocence.
also, the fact that it is so short is a charming point: it invites the reader to read it again.
not to rave on, but you have ticked important points of literary fiction: memory, human nature, symbolism, etc.
in summary, i liked it a lot.

[Sonia's Blogs]

Thank you!