W.A.R

Left forever

I was too afraid to go to war. All I could see were faceless faces with fear hovering over them -- fear controlling their actions; in fact, their whole lives. It was all visible to me like I was some wandering soul observing them. Everywhere in the city, panic among people was easily visible, in their actions, in their movements and most importantly in their souls. I concluded that it was fear of getting killed or in worldly terms "Fear of death". Yes fear of death , the only force in this world which can make you do something miraculous or can make you so weak that you can't even feel yourself. So it was war where young ones like us were supposed to give their lives for no reason other than "Dignity". Whereas I was not ready for it. I never wanted to go to war but it was not me who could decide my own fate but it was upto my family, and between me and war they chose war. They told me, never looking in my eyes, that it was good for me to go to war as I would learn a lot. But my eyes were asking them why ? Why me ? Was it that they never wanted me here and that all their affection was some mirage or maybe just because I was unworthy of them, that my life was of no value to them, but their life was important, very important.

    Our fate was decided. Me along with my childhood friends Russell and Warren were supposed to sacrifice OUR lives for the honor of their country, a country where honor was reserved for those of no value.

[[Battlefield Scene] I could see, in front of me animals, animals looking for animals different in uniforms to justify their worth in front of their commanders. War is no place for humans but a field of glory for animals.Where animals are trained to have no conscience, no feelings of love but to kill. The war began when the crack of a gunshot was heard. With rifles in our hands  and galloping on our horses. My whole body was trembling with fear. My aim was no near close to my target . At that moment fear got me in its grip. Death was certain and I was ready for it as my horse was carrying me to death, peaceful death. Maybe I wanted to experience what it felt like to be dead and it was a matter of time before i was lying down, taking my last shallow breaths, welcoming peaceful death. But time ceased to exist at that moment. It seemed to me like everybody was halted by AN invisible force. All I could see were faces, with fear on them, thoughts of life which seemed to me as fragile hopes. In short Life Above all.

    On my right, there was Russell who was looking at me with pleading eyes as if asking me "Andrei why are we here? What are we doing? Look at them... I want to go home. My mother is waiting for me at home. Oh my God, I didn't hug her when i left for war, I want to hug her, i want to tell her she is everything to me, what have I done...oh my God don't take my life. I want to live, I was never meant to be here. Let me live with my mother or she will die with me too.... " I could see tears in his eyes, tears of fear, tears for mercy, tears to amend every mistake he has done in his life but he knew these tears could not save him from what death has to offer him.

    There he was, Warren. look at him, his eyes were as cold as ice like he was dead a long time ago, like he has came to senses for a moment and was ready to feel death again. Look how brave he is....no,  maybe he has accepted his fate, seen death molding it in his hands and decided to live with that decision. To Live with death forever.

    Here I was, observing everyone like I knew everyone . But what if time HAD ceased for everyone? what if they were looking at me like a moment before when I was looking at them? What would they see in me?..... coward, a hero or some wanderer without hope?

    To me, it seemed like my life was like a single drop in a vast ocean. An ocean where beside memories nothing existed. An ocean which depended upon wind for its movement and it had been this wind carrying me everywhere in this ocean of memories. It had been taking care of me since I entered its territory but now it has decided to leave me along  THE shore. Now I am supposed to absorb as much memories as I can get and evaporate towards the eternal rest. So who was it that took my happiness away? Was wind my family? Was wind death who left me on shore to die? But why? I wanted to see life in its true meaning but everything was taken away from me. What if Wind was doing me a favor?.....[Everything goes black]

    Where am I? Thank God it was a dream. But why there is so much darkness in my room? "No no no..." I screamed in bewilderment. "I want to live, take me out, make me believe that it is a dream, it is not reality". No one responded to my screams. I was left alone.  Left alone in this darkness forever with death as my truthful companion. 

Author's Note

Please don't forget to review. I would like to dedicate this story to Salaar Haider, who helped me a lot in every aspect of my life. To Edmund Reilly who helped and motivated me to write this story. In the end my respect to Sir Woody who helped me in correcting most of my grammatical mistakes.
One more thing
W=Warren .....A= Andrei..... R= Russell

Reviews

[Zoë]

The amount of reviews you already have on this piece is unbelievable. I tried to read all of them, but I gave up around page 4, which is fine because people were starting to get repetitive. Moving on, for my reviews I don't really focus on what you did well, but that doesn't mean that I didn't like it. In fact I found this quite well written, even though it wasn't exactly 'enjoyable' I still liked reading it. A few of your sentences were beautifully crafted and really added a lot to your story. But I'm not really going to stay on this because SO many other people have told you what you did well and what they liked.

So I'm just going to jump straight into my critiques. And keep in mind, none of this is meant to be mean, these are just my opinions, so listen to them if you want or ignore them. And sorry, this section is going to be really long.
- JayG already touched on this a bit, but I’m not really attached to your characters here. I don’t know anything about them. Who they were, where they are, when they are. There’s nothing here that really links me to them, so, even though it’s an interesting read, it’s not the best story.
I’m not really feeling any emotions, you have some powerful lines, but you aren’t using them to their full potential. I’ve seen it, you can write fantastic lines and get close to expressing intense emotions, but it needs perfection. You need to pull me in and keep me there, and the best way to do that is with emotion. But JayG already focused on that, so I wont stay on it.

- Good start, but “All I could see were faceless faces with fear hovering over them -- fear controlling their actions; in fact, their whole lives.” Is a little repetitive, I’d recommend changing it to something like “All I could see were blank faces with fear hovering over them; controlling their actions and, in fact, their whole lives.” It gets rid of the double “face” and unnecessarily repeated “fear”.

- “It was all visible to me like I was some wandering soul observing them.” I would suggest changing this sentence to “Everything was visible to me, like I was some wandering soul watching them from the outside.” I think it gets your point across clearer and it fixes your small grammar problem.

- “I concluded that it was fear of getting killed or in worldly terms "Fear of death".” You have some extra words in this sentence that you really don’t need, they’re taking up unnecessary space. I would also suggest that you use bold and italics instead of putting ‘fear of death’ in quotation marks. “I concluded that it was fear of getting killed, fear of death.”

- “So it was war where young ones like us were supposed to give their lives for no reason other than "Dignity".” Same thing here, I think italics and bold would have more impact on ‘dignity’ than capitalizing it in quotation marks.

- “Whereas I was not ready for it. I never wanted to go to war but it was not me who could decide my own fate but it was upto my family, and between me and war they chose war.” This sentence has many problems in general grammar and phrasing. “I was not ready for it, I never wanted to go to war. However, it was not me who would decide my own fate, it was my family, and they chose war.”

- “Was it that they never wanted me here and that all their affection was some mirage or maybe just because I was unworthy of them, that my life was of no value to them, but their life was important, very important.” This sentence is just too long and it creates some problems that could’ve been easily avoided by splitting it up. “Was it that they never wanted me here, that all their affection was just a mirage? Or maybe it was just because I was unworthy of them, my life was of no value, but their lives were important – very important.”

- “[Battlefield Scene]” This is a really cheap way to go about this. I understand not wanting to describe things if you can just tell us and have us imagine. But you do a good job of describing other things that I’d like to see something here instead of just ‘battlefield scene’. It doesn’t even have to be anything big, you could just use a lot of short sentences to describe flashes of war. “Fighting was all around me. Blood, screams, pain, fear, death. The horrors of war lay before me.” Or something like that.

- “I could see, in front of me animals, animals looking for animals different in uniforms to justify their worth in front of their commanders.” While I really like how you’re portraying this, it’s a bit hard to understand, I had to read it twice before I figured out what it meant. “I was surrounded by monsters, animals looking for others in different uniforms just to prove their worth to their commanders.” I don’t think this conveys the same emotion, but it helps get rid of the repetition and adds in a bit more description.

- “Where animals are trained to have no conscience, no feelings of love but to kill.” For a better pull you should change ‘animals’ into ‘people’. I think make the line more engaging.

- “With rifles in our hands and galloping on our horses. My whole body was trembling with fear.” You could rephrase this into “With rifles in our hands we galloped out on our horses; my body trembled with fear.”

- “At that moment fear got me in its grip.” This line gives you an excellent opportunity to add in a bit more description “At that moment, fear gripped my tight.” Even if it’s extremely similar it helps portray how this ‘fear’ feels to the narrator.

- “Maybe I wanted to experience what it felt like to be dead and it was a matter of time before i was lying down, taking my last shallow breaths, welcoming peaceful death.” This phrasing is a little weird. “Maybe I wanted to experience what it felt like to be dead; it wasn’t long before I was laying on the battle field, taking my last shallow breaths, welcoming peaceful death.”

- “All I could see were faces, with fear on them, thoughts of life which seemed to me as fragile hopes.” I’m honestly not quite sure what you’re trying to do with the end of this sentence, but I’ll see what I can do. “All I could see where faces stricken with fear and thoughts of life, which seemed to me as fragile as hope.” I’m not sure if that helps, but the original sentence is quite hard to understand.

- Just a comment, Russell’s eyes seem to be asking an awful lot. I would recommend that you cut that section down a bit, I know it’s important, but after four sentences it gets a bit repetitive/predictable. I’m sure not all of his thoughts are important.

- “I could see tears in his eyes, tears of fear, tears for mercy, tears to amend every mistake he has done in his life but he knew these tears could not save him from what death has to offer him.” Small grammar things, but I do really like this sentence, “I could see tears in his eyes, tears of fear, tears for mercy, tears to amend for every wrongdoing in his life, but these tears could not save him from what death had to offer.”

- “There he was, Warren. look at him, his eyes were as cold as ice like he was dead a long time ago…” Are you saying ‘there was Warren’? Because that could be better rephrased as “Then, there was Warren” Also, it’s unclear if he’s dead or not. Is he? You may want to make it clearer if he is. If he isn’t you may want to make it less ambiguous.

- “.. coward, a hero or some wanderer without hope?” rephrase, “… a coward, a hero, some hopeless wanderer?”

- “An ocean where beside memories nothing existed.” Grammar, “An ocean where, beside memories, nothing existed.” Commas are important :)

- “It had been taking care of me since I entered its territory but now it has decided to leave me along THE shore.” Just some slight problems here, “It had been taking care of me since I had entered its territory, only now, it had abandoned me along the shore.”

- “Now I am supposed to absorb as much memories as I can get and evaporate towards the eternal rest.” The phrasing is just a little hard to read, also, evaporated is a very interesting word to use. “Now I’m supposed to absorb as many memories as I can and fade into eternal rest.”

- “So who was it that took my happiness away? Was wind my family? Was wind death who left me on shore to die? But why? I wanted to see life in its true meaning but everything was taken away from me.” I think it would be better if you said “So, who was the ‘wind’ that took my happiness away? Was it my family? Was it death, who cruelly left me on the shore to die? I just wanted to see life in its true meaning, but everything was taken from me. Why?”

- “[Everything goes black]” Again, this is kinda a cheap way to go about this. From experience, something like this only takes a time or two of text to write out. So I suggest you do that instead of making it a cue. After the previous line you could go “Everything began to fade into darkness. Soon, the world was gone.” Or something like that.

- “But why there is so much darkness in my room?” switch ‘there’ and ‘is’

- “I screamed in bewilderment.” I like where you’re going with this, but I would really like it if you described it more. What exactly is he doing? Give me some physical description of Andrei panicking, don’t just tell me he’s freaking out. Also, I don’t think ‘screamed’ is quite the right word, maybe for the following line, but not this one.

Overall, as I said, I quite liked the story, but it could be much improved. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this piece, but I hope my review helps. And hey, keep writing, you've got talent (as many others have said). I look forward to seeing how you progress :)

[JayG]

You're not taking into account the simple fact that only you can hear your voice speaking the story's words. And only you can see the facial expressions that illustrate the emotion the narrator feels should be demonstrated.

To hear what it sounds like to a reader, have the computer read it to you. Or better yet, give the first page to a friend who has no acting talent. Tell them nothing about it, not even that you wrote it. Just ask them to read it aloud, and you'll hear what a reader gets when they turn to page one. It's a humbling, but highly educational experience.

Think about it from a reader's viewpoint. They come to you to be entertained, not informed. And they're looking for story, not history. But the first thing they get is someone they know nothing about, so far as age, gender, situation, attitude, or anything personal, talking about their view on going to war.

Given that as they read that paragraph they have no idea of how many pages of this they will have to read before something happens, and given that they're learning nothing about which war, and even the century in which it takes place, what reason would a reader have to want to go on reading when they reach the end of page one?

Think about yourself. Assume that someone comes into the room where you are, and says, "Did you hear? Someone was hit by a car a mile from here." You might express sympathy, and you might ask for more information out of curiosity. But... Change that. Now the person comes in and says, "Did you hear? Your mother was hit by a car a mile from here." How much more personal, and immediate, would your reaction be?

And that difference is there because you're personally involved, and you care. And that directly relates to our writing. Unless we get our reader involved, and make them care for the protagonist, and be concerned for them, they won't turn the page, and they will never know your story as you do.

Your bio said you're an engineering student. Having spent my working life in the engineering field I well know how hard you're working to master the tools of the profession. And I am certain you recognize the necessity of mastering those tools and the specialized knowledge of how and when they may be applied.

Strangely, few realize that writing fiction is a profession, too, and we're no more given the tools of it in our pre-college school years than were we given Vibration Analysis and Structural Dynamics. Why? Because they're of use only to professionals in the field.

In fact, because we were being trained in the skills employers require, like writing reports and papers, we were taught writing techniques designed to inform, clearly and concisely. Our writing is author-centric and fact-based. And that clearly shows in the presentation of this story.

But fiction's purpose is to entertain, so must be emotion-based and character-centric. We don't tell, we present life, in real-time, focused on that tiny slice of time your protagonist calls "now." When we write a horror story our goal isn't to make the reader know how the protagonist feels. They don't care that the character is cowering under the bed. They want you to terrorize THEM.

So there's your problem. Your reader is someone you will never meet; someone whose background is different from yours; someone who is of a different age group; someone who may be of a different gender; Someone to whom the words you use may evoke different shades of meaning. Yet somehow, you must make that reader react emotionally, just like the protagonist. So as you can guess, there are tricks of the trade that allow that.

The most powerful one is a strong character viewpoint. instead of telling the reader what's happening, we make them know it as the protagonist does, and make them use the same perceptions and resources the protagonist has available.

The techniques aren't hard to learn, they're just a different set. What is hard is getting your current writing skills to let go, because you've practiced them to the point where they feel intuitive. But once you do you'll wonder why it was hard when it's so obvious.

A good overview of one of the strongest viewpoint techniques I know of is here:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

The book the article was based on is the one I most often recommend because it covers the nuts-and-bolts issues of constructing a scene and a story.

You might also want to poke around in the writing articles in by blog, beginning with this one, which explains why a strong POV is necessary, and what it does for you:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Ghost]

Such priced words for any beginner. Thank you JayG..

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks JayG i believe in everything you said. Thanks for sharing links, they were really helpful. I am glad you helped me in understanding my mistakes.

[SmittyJas]

Heart Wrenching story of the spoils of war and the minds of the people whom are trained to fight in said wars they are tougher than any professional athletic Person who competes in any sport. I never been in the Military and I respect those who serve their country and ask the question why but I know deep in my heart I love these professional Guys and I say a prayer for their safety and return to their family and loved ones when there tour of duty is through.

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks Sir for reading my story. I am glad you liked it

[A.W. Carl]

hmmm. I enjoyed the story for what it was. There were a handful of errors which is easily fixable. However, you gotta be careful writing about things you don't know very well or haven't experienced. Especially when it is something as complex and heavy as war.

Keep writing!

[Usman Muhammad]

A.W.CARL i understand your point of view, and i respect you. But this what a writer does, he tries his best to get something of worth importance out of ordinary, he creates his own world. If we all keep on writing with this thinking i believe there will be no point of writing, everyone will be writing what they believe is according to universal values, and all the charm will be dead, dark stories will bury themselves, poetry will go away in state of bewilderment. But the truth is one cannot find truth until he reads the story of both sides, each and every side will be right in their own cause so maybe sometimes it is not upto us to decide who is right or wrong... i don't where is this going, but that's all i wanted to say. I hope you understand my point of view. I have no value in front of you and these are some thoughts i wanted to say before i end this, so i hope you will forgive me.
Thanks for your review, for your encouragement as it matters to me most.

[A.W. Carl]

I didn't say it can't be done, I just said you must be careful taking on such a daunting task. I admire your audacity!

[olla]

it is difficult to review a subject that one has no knowledge of.. I have never had to face war.. it is also difficult to write about something one has no experience of.. it can be done but takes a lot more work.. both with content and construction.. this is a good place to start.. you don't seem to be afraid to put words together..

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks Olla, for your kind words. Yes it is true that i have never experienced war, but Tolstoy makes you feel like you are living war, watching its horrors.

[olla]

yes.. Tolstoy was a great writer..

[Bacchus]

They told me-never looking in my eyes- that's a good descriptive line.
And how to be seen when we die- a coward, hero- someone without hope?
That made me think- that I want people to see me as always, always having hope til the end.
I have never really thought of that before. I've thought of death- dying well, but not how I'd be viewed.
The ending is pretty- dark.

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks Bacchus for reading my story, for encouragement. I am glad you liked my story.

[Rosaliine]

I love this and how intense the emotions and imagery is. Keep up the good work and I love forward to reading more from you :)

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks Rosaliine for reading my story, i am glad you liked it

[TheRaven]

If you want to capture the essence of war in your story, I recommend that you watch interviews of soldiers from Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq; particularly the ones who suffer from PTSD. There's a profound quality to their words. A soft spoken sense at times, but even when they do talk they never seem to reveal everything; like there is a deep impenetrable depth of darkness that they don't want to share with anyone because it's hard enough living with the memories as they stand. For a fantastic on the scene war reporting non-fiction, read The Forever War by Dexter Filkins. Also, read Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried. John Knowles' 'A Separate Peace, and the famous All Is Quiet On The Western Front comes to mind. Their novels carry the weight of war and how it touches people in different ways. How it shapes and molds society. Profound, heartfelt, and deeply sad.

The problem here, other than grammatical mistakes here and there; is that this is too short. You did not show us war. You showed us cliched broad brush descriptions of war. If you want to hit to the core of this topic, show me how these people talk to each other, show me how they feel about each other, how they take in their first kill and their first experiences witnessing a comrade's death. When we talk war, we are talking about the highest example of innocence lost. These are kids who go to war. They've known parties, backyard barbecues, girlfriends, and regular peaceful developed country styles of life. But,then they shoot someone. They see someone blown up by a roadside bomb. They scrape their friend's remains off the side of a friggin' tree. Think about that. That's war. You have these monologues that scrape at the surface but aren't hitting the brutal honesty of what war can be, and what it can do.

What you did do right here is that each soldier seems to take in the combat zone differently. One man is scared for his life, the other scared for his mother, and one who seems to be able to pull that trigger easier than it should be. In the end, at some point, if there long enough... We all become monsters. Explore your characters more, and the war itself, the reasons for going, the country, the landscape, these are your tools for creating something that speaks honestly. This is true what you say, but it doesn't hit the whole truth. When Tim O'Brien talks about how people say "War is s**t", sure, the statement might be true... But it's missing something. It's missing the emotion. So, he writes a scene about Vietnam where the soldiers are lying out at night in a sewage field. Literally lying around in muck and s**t, and one of them dies in the night because of a stupid little mistake. They're stuck with the guilt of having caused their friend's death, and they died unceremoniously dying in a literal field of s**t. Meditate on that. That. That's war...

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks for your review. When you said it is too short, i totally agree with you. But i wanted to write a short story, and i thought of all which was necessary. One more thing i came to realize was that i should give the reader a complete historical background, i totally agree with you and will try my best to give the reader more freedom. Once again thanks for reading my story. Your review has encouraged me to improve myself.

[Davidgeo]

ughh....

you can have it.


You know what you did.

[Darius Chinoy]

Dear Usman

Thank you for sending me the read request. I wonder what made you choose me? Anyways its ironical that you should send me a story about a soldier who questions WAR while facing death. To give you a little back ground, I am writer for the Indian Army and my stories are based on Indian soldiers who die in battle fighting the Pakistanis. Yes, I am an Indian and live in Delhi. :)

Coming back to your piece, a soldier goes through a lot of emotions while facing death in battle. You should create a setting which gives the reader reason to decide whether the WAR is logical or not. In the real world no one wants WAR but it is there in every part of the world. Some countries go to WAR for selfish reasons and others go to WAR to defend themselves when attacked. From a soldier's perspective, he might be considered a coward to go through feelings of remorse in the thick of battle. I have interviewed many soldiers across a few countries and they enlisted not to play BATTLE but to serve their country and up hold the constitution of the land. Somethings which the civilians do not do.

I would encourage you to write a 6000 to a 10000 worded short story about a Pakistani Soldier, which involves research, a show or emotion but also involves a story. A good writer is one who can craft a good balance between an emotion and a story.

All the best.
Darius Chinoy

[Terry Collett]

I read your story. The first question i wondered was is it from the writer's experience? Something he actually went through or feared he might go through? It seemed so real and actual. I enjoyed it. It could be made simpler by editing out unnecessary words, words that say nothing new or maybe repeat what you may have already said. Overall, a good story

[Usman Muhammad]

Thanks sir for reading my story, i am glad you liked it.