Bridges

I couldn't build a bridge to keep us together [...] And so, we simply were [...] It was nice, in a way.

I wasn't in love with Him, but He loved me and that was all that mattered. To me, love wasn't something that was necessary, or expected, it was simply an added perk. And for it to go one way was lucky enough, I didn't want to push my luck and hope for it to be a two-way street.

I know that it shouldn't have been that way. I was supposed to dote and adore Him for every passing second of my life. I was supposed to kneel when He said something comforting and sweet to me. I was supposed to smile with overflowing happiness when He forgave me for a mistake. I was supposed to worship Him and be glad to have been doing so.

But I didn't. And that was simply the way it was. He was a figure in my life that I had imagined and perfected inside of my own mind. He was perfect, almighty, all-powerful, full of forgiveness and beautiful beyond words to describe. But I couldn't see Him. I couldn't touch His face. I couldn't build a bridge to keep us together, or make us similar in a way to nurture a relationship. And so, we simply were. He was there, and I was there. 

It was nice, in a way.

It was torturous in a way as well, though.

He loved me. Oh, that was the highlight, I thought. For someone that was so perfect-- God to me, for Him to love me was incredible and more than I could ask for. He protected me when I needed it most even though I never asked for protection or thanked him. He always forgave me even when I did not beg for forgiveness or ever was sorry for the wrong I'd committed. He gave showered me in more gifts than I could ask for, made sure that I was well catered for even though I never asked, or pleaded, or wanted or thanked. He cleared the ground that I walked in to make sure that it was easy for me to pass. He loved me.

I had tried to love Him. I said the words that were needed to be said for occasions. I smiled when I needed to, I was strong for those that were weaker, I tried to stay away from the fatal mistakes that could rip us apart. I tried to prostrate myself for Him. I tried harder than I could have tried for anything else-- but nothing seemed to be what I was searching for.

It was created, but it was not nurtured. The words were stated from rote memory, not from the heart. The actions were covered in a shiny plastic, fake even though they were real. Everything was not there, even though everything was. There was no bridge, I could not find a way to link us, even though He had spent all of my existence creating so many for me to find and cross-- or at least walk to the middle. But I couldn't see them, and I couldn't touch them. He was perfection, and I could not see a way to link us. We simply were. 

I wan't in love with Him, but He was very much in love with me. And that was all that mattered, I thought.

Still, I hoped for a day that I could love Him too.

Author's Note

-//3//-

Eh. It's basically exactly what it is.
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Reviews

[Tony]

Oh God.
Not the ReviewMonster.
StoryTaylor!
(yes, I know your secret identity)
well,
I've been away a while.
Hi there.
This thing you wrote here......
It is quite excellent.
This is just the type of thing I like to read.
It also speaks to me personally.
I am always trying to rationalize my unrational behavior, where love is concerned.
A sort of payment for having ripped the heart from another, with no such intention.
Nicely articulated.