I Have Lived

A Poem by Erik

I have lived

And been negative

There’s no happy place for me

I can never live in glee

So I can say my final goodbye

As I run through the night

The car is a mile away

As the world starts to decay

I see the car

But it’s too far

It starts to fade

But not today

I run

My legs weigh a ton

The car goes fast

Leaving my past

I try to conceal what I feel

Then it comes out

And I start to shout

I realize what I’ve left

And I start to lose my breath

As I realize there’s no going back

And I feel the attack.

She's the one

Who was always shunned

It’s when I’m with her

I am sure

I Have Lived

© 2022 Erik

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Reviews

_rabbitofhabit (1word)

I like this piece a lot. And I especially love the buildups you have, both in terms of explaining the story and increasing the rhymes. You don’t actually increase the rhymes, and I don’t have the professional knowledge to explain what exactly you did. But around:

I run

My legs weigh a ton

It seems, the rhymes are meant to be read faster, and they hit smoother. I like how you can get the reader to, well, read it a certain way.

I also liked the story element to this.

And my favorite lines were:

I run
My legs weigh a ton

I try to conceal what I feel

I realize what I’ve left
And I start to lose my breath

And I also like how you have the opening and closing lines the same. As well as how you formatted them differently in the two positions, and how that is meant to signify different understandings of the same words.

Posted 2 Years Ago

JayG

• I have lived And been negative There’s no happy place for me

Always edit from the seat of a reader who has zero knowledge of the backstory, and, your intent. And keep in mind, that the reader has only the context you supply, as the line is read.

With that in mind, and as that reader, someone we know nothing about is telling us they’re unhappy. Why? You don't say. So yes it’s a fact that the speaker is unhappy, but will the reader care? Will it make them want to know more about this stranger? Remember, we don’t know where and when they live, their age and gender, or anything that would give us reason to care.

See the problem? You’re focused on facts, but readers want you to move them emotionally. So instead of telling them about you, and talking about your situation, make your pain theirs, and real to them as they read.

In fiction and poetry, we don’t tell the reader that we cried, we give THEM reason to weep, because once we push the button that posts our work we, and everything about us, become irrelevant. It’s our words and what they suggest to the reader, based on their life, not our intent.

And yes, I see that you’re rhyming, but if you are going to rhyme there’s a LOT more that goes with it than just dropping in rhymes. Take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. He will amaze you with things you never knew about language

So it’s not a matter of talent. It’s that there’s an entire profession’s worth of skills and specialized knowledge that we learn not the smallest thing about in our school days, where we’re taught only the nonfiction writing skills that will make us useful to employers.

So by all means, continue writing and posting poetry, but at the same time, look into the tricks the pros take for granted. A good place to begin is Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. You can download it, free, here: https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596.

Posted 2 Years Ago

• I have lived And been negative There’s no happy place for me

Always edit from the seat of a reader who has zero knowledge of the backstory, and, your intent. And keep in mind, that the reader has only the context you supply, as the line is read.

With that in mind, and as that reader, someone we know nothing about is telling us they’re unhappy. Why? You don't say. So yes it’s a fact that the speaker is unhappy, but will the reader care? Will it make them want to know more about this stranger? Remember, we don’t know where and when they live, their age and gender, or anything that would give us reason to care.

See the problem? You’re focused on facts, but readers want you to move them emotionally. So instead of telling them about you, and talking about your situation, make your pain theirs, and real to them as they read.

In fiction and poetry, we don’t tell the reader that we cried, we give THEM reason to weep, because once we push the button that posts our work we, and everything about us, become irrelevant. It’s our words and what they suggest to the reader, based on their life, not our intent.

And yes, I see that you’re rhyming, but if you are going to rhyme there’s a LOT more that goes with it than just dropping in rhymes. Take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. He will amaze you with things you never knew about language

So it’s not a matter of talent. It’s that there’s an entire profession’s worth of skills and specialized knowledge that we learn not the smallest thing about in our school days, where we’re taught only the nonfiction writing skills that will make us useful to employers.

So by all means, continue writing and posting poetry, but at the same time, look into the tricks the pros take for granted. A good place to begin is Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. You can download it, free, here: https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596.

Rating /100