Alicia Through Li Li

I just needed to release. Allow people to step inside my world for a minute and understand the TRUE me. Say hello to Alicia through Li Li.

I feel as though I can't write to save my life because I'm too hard on myself.  Nothing ever seems good enough.  Is this normal to happen after you write for so long?  Seriously?  Or is it just the "disorder" I have where nothing seems good enough?  Not even a man can measure up these days.  And, I know one who makes 6 figures a year with his own business.... and WHY is he not good enough?  No reason... I just want to believe he is. 

 

I've come to notice things within myself needing correction, change, or healing.  I do too much for people without getting anything in return.  I bust my a*s to make others happy and it's never felt to be appreciated.  I open my heart believing in the goodness of people.  In the end, only learning how corrupt the world has become.

 

Working on the album has been a task I've almost given up on twice.  I even heard a rap artist say beneath his breath, "There's Li Li.  She's a white girl that can't rap so she resorted to poetry".  Well.... if only they TRULY knew.  But, I don't even bother to prove myself.  When you are a modest person up against the highest levels of arrogance, the best thing to do is just let it go.

 

After a few weeks, or months, people finally see I am a strong woman who knows what she wants.  Then, it's as if everybody wants to climb on my back while I climb the mountain.  Climbing a mountain without a rope isn't easy.  Especially when you have the weight of others on your back.

 

This s**t isn't the easiest thing to pull off.  I'm stretched out to the max and feel as though I'm losing myself into "nothingness".  Yet, I know I have so much.  I'm a walking contradiction.  I understand my worth.  I know that if I set my mind to something, it will be done.  I don't care if the result is a failure; I know I gave it 100% and finished what I set out to do.

 

I self educate in order to go further.  I use my talent not to become self righteous; but to help others be where they need to be.  Picking up a graphics line has proved to be the shovel that dug the grave.  Remember the rappers I mentioned above?  Well, when they see I do something they can benefit from.  All the sudden I'm "Li Li, one of the greatest spoken word poets you've ever heard.".  Why is it that I giggle when it's not a funny situation?  Here I am busting my a*s to make others happy and successful, when all I'm doing is supporting a fake alliance.  I become valued as Li Li, the girl who is prone to giving away free s**t.  Not Alicia, the female who always makes sure everybody is where they need to be.

 

But here's the kicker.....  I'm intimidating.  This is what I've been told by many people.  You see me in person, I'm intimidating.  See me online, I'm intimidating.  Read my work, I'm intimidating.  Not to say there is anything wrong with the people who say this to me.  I always appreciate honesty above all things.  If I give off a negative vibe of any sorts, I want to know.  What I don't understand is why I am intimidating....

 

I try to expose my heart in almost every thing I write.  I try to always help others in any way I know how.  I overcame a past that brought me to the present, and learned to value who I am by exposing my soul in words and music.  I don't do this to try and be better than the next person.  I do this because at one point in time, I needed a voice.  I needed something to console me when no person would.  I found that through poetry.  I found that through music.  

 

I've chosen to take the last few days to analyze who I've become.  The result of my thoughts:  I've become what others have wanted to see in me.  I haven't become the woman I set out to be.  Maybe there is nothing wrong with a little selfishness.  Being a little self-absorbed.  Standing with pride in who you are; instead of standing wondering if you meet the standards of your surroundings.  So long I thought they looked down upon me.  Now I realize, they are only looking down on me because I stay grounded, and I forever keep walking forward.   What will the next obstacle be?

 

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -  John 16:33

Reviews

[☮]

Well, you definitely exposed your inner thoughts here.
I think anyone who must battle obstacle after obstacle while maintaining self-righteousness can relate to your story.
People's observations, I think, should be taken with a grain of salt.
You are who you are, Alicia or Li Li.
Sometimes it's best to be selfish and self-absorbed. As long as you're not hurting anyone, it's your duty to do you before you do them. (expect for your child, of course)

Thanks for sharing.

[Brjden (Bridge-Den) Cre..]

Very informative and somewhat "stripped down" piece about Alicia. Intimidation, maintaining self-righteousness, self-analyzing - these things are shared by us all, and you managed to do it in 500 words or less. When we talk, I don't see these things(not to put people in our business). But I see a funny, intelligent girl with a dash of school girl in her that's all endearing. I can't imagine you being intimidating, but I'm sure it's possible. And being a little self-absorbed is what's best for you and yours. I know you're use to making sure everyone else is where they need to be, but Li Li and hers goes first. Good write Alicia....

[bob, small b. aka invs]

i found the comment about not being able to rap so 'resorting' to poetry ironic. now, i realize that i'm a 50 something year old white guy who's not supposed to get rap, but saying you resort to poetry is kinda like saying you can't handle mcdonalds, so you resort to prime rib. that doesn't mean mcdonalds isn't decent food, it's just a different class of food.

anyway, it was good reading this and getting to know you a bit more. you seem to be a very talented and ambitious young woman. don't let other people's view of you bother you. a self-assured woman is often viewed as intimidating by those who are insecure themselves. i know some very successful women and they carry the stigma of being called lots of demeaning things. if you frighten people, chances are those people weren't worth hanging around anyway. keep writing, keep recording, keep on keeping on. the people who matter will be applauding from the sidelines and offering their support. good luck.

[San Herman Lopez a.k.a...]

Reflection of self will always manifest into completion...

[beancountersar]

Bare bones...a gut check. Being honest is being brave and true. You've shown who you are; now use this bravery to be you...not the perceived you.

[Tha Wind AKA VERBAL OX]

itz tha pots callin the kettle blak
well mayb the kettles blak becuz its tired of bein burned
so inturn he turned to his underbelly to preserve the top...
( a thawt that came 2 me head, may have nothin 2 do with your piece just thawt it should be said)

in this i meanz to say let not what others think of u...question the path of u, the path 4 u
unbeknown to them there here to build u up 4 ur moment of truth
surroundings are just that...surroundins that simply surround u not make u
we create what we make, you are a creator/innovater, so make ur surroundins the creations of u.
give it your colors, your flavor, your shapes. theres no such thing as mistakes
just a chance to make a better take. Now to ur piece

well alright...well alright i like i like

az you know it matters not what somebody finances look like or even if they got a combination of intriguing inside or outside mix...if theres no ummmfff then chemistry iz missed.
lets say its not even this...then itz you thatz not ready wether becuz of non resolution of the things of self
or you got 2 much on your plate to undertake a investement of this sort...

i also have heard that your intimadating thing...this is what i say 2 that thing
"REALLY...well oh well". let that be there thing, not your thing

its all about balance, so 2 be anything is fine aslong as its balanced
soooo...selfish(good), selfabsorbed(fine)

stay on your grind an feed the world the lovely morsels of you

not so much a critique right, just wordz from me 2 u...

oh yea get your peppermint game up sucka...

power 2 Sunshine it feeds, gives life, an can blind if you stare to long... 1...luv

[Kena Dawn Augustine]

"I overcame a past that brought me to the present, and learned to value who I am by exposing my soul in words and music. I don't do this to try and be better than the next person. I do this because at one point in time, I needed a voice. I needed something to console me when no person would. I found that through poetry. I found that through music..."

this explains me in a nutshell too. i have been through so much pain when it comes to the music industry. having an ex who stole money from me, stole my studio equipment (well, he borrowed my credit, and promised to pay me back..didn't happen) and felt like all these men in music wanted from women was one thing. I found my voice, my happiness, my identity through my OWN VOICE. my own music. Amen to that!!!

yes, this reads like a poetic diary entry, and it's refreshing to meet someone like you who is open with who she is, and not afraid to share. rarely do i meet people like that. that's how i am too.

Kena

[Mr. Deft Diction]

Wow. You know, Ling, we've been acquainted with each other for a minute, man. We've talked about some things, and I believe that you and I are a lot alike (even more so) after reading this. I know a lil' something about your environment, the leeches, the traps, etc....and it says a lot to YOUR character that thru it all, you remain focused and determined to be who YOU are. We all have those moments of self-doubt that kick in e'ry now and then, you know? S**t, even the greatest of the greats have sat up, staring into the nothingness at the edge of the morning, wondering where this life is going to take them. Refuse to be thrown off course; but know that it's a natural part of the process to do these sorts of self-analysis. You have to check where you're at and determine if where you wanted to go, is still where you want to go, and most important....that's it's indeed where you're going.

You keep holdin' on and letting that light shine, mama.

Be well....

ya homie, Peoples

[bluessadmood]

God that was great self analysis...
I do too much for people without getting anything in return. I bust my a*s to make others happy and it's never felt to be appreciated. I open my heart believing in the goodness of people. In the end, only learning how corrupt the world has become.
how nice words ,but thats so good dear ,even if not appreciated,in my eyes and others like me and you ,you are more than appreciated,doing good things ,trying to pull people out of traps they fall to ,and even more without even their knowing it was you who saved their neck,then you are a superman in my eyes ,you will be my hero ,i have done that and more,i would love some more people to join me,let us be pure human,you will see how it will get back to you ,with yourself you will feel how great and content and at peace with yourself ,you will feel so superiour to others at this time its your right to feel so,even those babies who may mock and joke at us ,knowing who we are we feel so grand and how small size they are,i name this as always the world of dreamers ,i even call it special kind of species,and so beautiful they ,they see the world different from others,for their heart is different it beats different,funny but since the first few words i read for you,i knew you were different,and i believed in you the more i read you ,you are a great person,Li Li,sorry for the long review ,i had to say this

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

First of all you let it all out and exposed yourselves in a vulnerable way. It's okay we're all there sometime. But we can't lose sight of ourselves; we can only live for our selves. We know what we want for ourselves, what makes us happy and what we except from others. Only if we don't get it or it fails to meet our standards we have the choice of accepting or rejecting and searching elsewhere. If the world doesn't meet up to your standards, don't let them into your world. Live for yourself and do what you do to make you happy. You were born alone and you're going to die alone, who ever hop on for a ride, can hop off if they don't like where you're going.