Until I'm Dead

You know what its like when your bleeding inside...

The deepest pain I feel inside

maximized by my own lies

weeping willow growing tall

rope upon you, do you call?

 

Darkened skies all around

This little girl naught to be found

shiny dagger set with stone

through my heart all alone

 

Sinful moonlight in the skies

shining on me reveal the lies

rusty gun upon my bed

pull the trigger now I'm dead.

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[emipoemi]

The only thing I need say about this is the fact that "reveal" adds a syllable too many to the musicality and would be better as "show" (to add the sound of "sh" to echo off "shining"). This is really well written otherwise. Simply well done!

[Adam Adams]

Loved the poetry especially the magnificent starting of it with such lines:
"The deepest pain I feel inside
maximized by my own lies..."

Nice shot... every line has much to speak the course of your very barre heart in poetic words that're well formative to its page. Excellent write!

[Taylor H.]

I really enjoyed this!

[Livana Lowell]

In my head, it seems fast-paced. Oh well, anyways, I like the hopelessness of so many lies and faults that people feel they can't make up for it, falling to the option of suicide, which is not the way to go I know for sure. Skys is supposed to be skies if you didn't mean it to be that way.

Thanks for sharing.

[Destinee]

wow. i loved this poem. it flowed so nicely and the words shot me through to my heart. stunning!!

[Marlena]

I loved it, it was creepy, you know? It flowed really well, kind of sounded like a nursery rhyme, only...scary xD Great work, my only suggestion is you proof read, it should be "skies" not "skys" and "shining" not "shineing". It's still a great poem though, nice work :3

[Krista]

Your poem really touched me honestly. I don't know what to say about it really. I know how difficult life can be for some people. I also know that giving up is not the right answer as I have came close to doing so many times.

[Tony]

Intimidated by existence, incapable of cooperation, the seer wished to spin the wheel of life again......and could not, so he escaped in a few grams of lead.
Well done.

shineing......shining.

[mystic soul]

good write!! darkness is evident from this poem... It's really good!!

[Rachel Koepke]

sweet and simple, i like it.
i saw you in my group and decided to check out ur writing, and its great so far.