The Killer

Evil gets it's do

     A full moon shone brightly against the gray sidewalk on the backroads he was walking down.  Darkened brick buildings lined the almost empty road, casting even more shadows. His eyes darted down each dark alley, searching. Each alley was vacant, except for the last one, which as he passed, he could see a group of teenagers. They probably snuck out to drink he thought. He reached the end of the road and stopped. He didn't think he was gonna  catch anyone alone tonight.

     His dark blue shirt and black jeans made him blend in perfectly with the shadows around him. Maybe he'd take a stroll around the park before giving up for tonight. He walked across the street to the grass where the park stretched before him, and hestarted walking the cobblestone path that wound around the park while, now in the open, the moon glowed upon his face.

     He was still young, not eve thirty yet, but his skin was weathered and there were heavy circles under his eyes from not enough sleep. He sighed as he went around a corner of the path that took him to the more secluded part of the park, the malicious gleam in his eyes dimmining from loss of hope. But when he finally rounded the corner, he froze and adrenaline rushed through his veins, as an impish smile crossed his lips.

     Underneath one of the willow trees, sitting back against the tree, was the figure of a girl.  His mind raced with the possibilities, and he squinted his eyes to get a better look at her. She was small, looked like she couldn't be more than ten or eleven years old, and she was wearing a faded white sundress.Her hair was long and dark, and her eyes were focused on something in her lap. She was writing. He was confused at first. What would a girl her age be doing at the park at this hour? This question was swept away almost immediatly. Who cares? At least it would be easier to get what he wanted.

     He put on a pleasant smile and drifted toward her, staring into space, pretending not to see her. He stepped through the curtain of branches of the willow tree, and looked up at the canopy above him, seeming unaware of the girl a yard away, watching him.

     "Hello?". He jumped and looked toward the girl, surprise on his face. This close he could see that her face was pale, and her stoic eyes were black, they were so dark.

     "Hi, there," he said in a pleasantly polite tone, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, I was...preoccupied." She just stared,and then smiled up at him shyly.

     "That's okay, you didn't startle me." Her voice was almost like a whisper, her tone highlighting. how vulnerable she looked. He smiled back. Perfect.

   He sat down where he was, not wanting to frighten her, yet.

     "So, what are you doing out this late? Where are your parents?". He was polite, gaining her confidence, he could tell, with every word.

     "My parents are gone," she said curtly, "I was out here writing." He thought he saw a glimmer of something in her eyes, but passed it up as imagination.  He must focus on the task at hand.

     "What were you writing about?" he asked, faking interest. His eyes never left her as she got up and gracefully walked toward him with her bare feet. She moved with such care, that it almost startled him at how beautiful she was, though she was just a child. She sat next to him, opened her orange notebook and handed it to him. He turned the pages but didn't even pretend to read them. His pulse raced at how close she was, at how easily he could....

    He closed the notebook and handed it back to her with a smile.

     "So what was your name anyway?" he asked. She took the book back from him and set it on the ground in front of her. He watched as a lock of hair fell in front of her face, so innocently. Now was his chance.

     He reached over and brushed the hair back over her ear, barely touching her skin, but even under the brief contact he felt her go instantly rigid. In an instant, she was standing up, and he was standing with her, his arms caught in a death grip in one of hers. He just stared at her face in shock, unable to undo her grip on his wrists. Who is this angel from Hell? he thought One minute she's as fragile as a glass vase, but now...

     He stared at her eyes, which were staring at him, cold, hard hatred in their depths. But there was also something else there...

     "I can see your thoughts, mister" she whispered impishly, "and I don't like what you are thinking. No one takes advantage of me, that is what mommy learned." A malicious grin spread across her face, and her grip tightened to the point of pain. He writhed and gasped as she twisted his arms, bringing him to his knees and pulling his face closer to hers.

     "I know how you thought of yourself before. You thought yourself superior over me. Well, then it must come as a shock to you, to realize that now, I'm the victem... and the killer!" His eyes widened in shock as she said the last three words, the bloodlust unmistakable in her eyes and voice. Then, a sharp pain coursed through his neck, blood dripping down his shirt, until realization hit him.

     She was a vampire, she was feeding....and he was going to die. He couldn't scream, couldn't say anything although the pain was unbearable. He could feel the blood rushing, almost eagerly from his veins as she drank. Whatever blood she didn't drink was now dripping down the collar of his shirt. Then his heart stopped, every drop of blood had been drained from his body, and he took in the scenery of his last second alive. The last thing he saw, as she released him and let him fall to the ground, were her cold, evil eyes. The black pupils had covered up their true color before, but now he could see. They were blood red, glowing scarlet in the moonlight. Then he was dead.

The next day...

     Police tape sectioned off a corner of the park around an old willow tree. People gathered around the tape, curious at what had happened. Among the crowd there was a girl standing alone,wearing a faded white sundress,and a notebook in hand. No one payed much attention to her. Her very presence reeked with innocence, except for the malicious grin upon her face, as she stared at the tree.

     At the trunk, police were examining the scene, and a small group discussed it quietly, confusion mixed with sleep deprivation as dawn broke in the east, and a firey sun rose.

     Nailed to the tree by a mere pencil through the heart was a man in dark clothing. He had no blood left in him, there was a bitemark on his neck, his wounds clean, and only a few drops of blood on his shirt.

     Within the group of officers, a male policeman made a quiet statement to the others who are arguing.

     "Well, with this case, one thing's for sure" he says, looking down on his clipboard at a wanted list. "The murderer has now become the murdered."

Author's Note

any feedback I'm looking for if this should develop into a novel, and what the plot should be about

Reviews

[Twilight]

To be honest, I did suspect that the "innocent" girl would reverse roles and become a murderer. However, I never guessed that she might be a vampire. Interestingly, both of the main characters had their own techniques for capturing and killing their prey. However, the girl killed for a genuine need. In other words, she was a vampire, and simply had to drink blood in order to sake her hunger. However, in this story, I have the impression that she was also motivated by the desire for vengeance or self-defence (based on the experiences of her Mother)? Indeed, the girl herself actually suggests this (in no uncertain terms), at one point.

Clearly, the male murderer was searching for a vulnerable target. Also, he would have gained a perverse pleasure from making his victim feel frightened. Unpleasant details such as this, helped to add a little more realismto this story. If you do extend it, try saying more about the investigative tehcniques of the Police and/or FBI. That would be a very good way, of helping the reader to find this slightly more credible. Or, rather, less unreal, should I say?

The dialogue was fine, until that line in which the Police Officer says, "The murderer has now become the murdered". That sounds slightly forced, or like a cliche of some kind. Either way, it does not sound natural. Any other weaknesses? Well, only minor ones. Firstly, immediately has not been spelled correctly. Also, there should be a single space between the words "he" and "started". There is no such word as "dimining", unless that was another spelling mistake? Surely, the writer intended to use the word, "dimming"? Alternatively, did you mean to use the word, "diminishing"?

Thankyou, for sharing with with your fellow Group members, Voice 11! I think that the plot, should take into account both the police investigation, how some local people react to this nightmare scenario, and more about the girl's vampiric background. Also, how would the media treat this chilling case? Just a few suggestions! Who will be next, to add some writing to my Group, "Twilight's Disciples"?

[melissa]

very nicce.. you have alot of talent. I love the detail not to little not to much just prefect :)

[Zaila]

Ha ha. How did I know that was gunna happen? Delightful. Serves the freakin pedophile a...er... yeah .. well he deserved it. *smiles* Well done. Well done. I love revengeful pieces like this because I LOVE when the weaker creature gets to be on top. It's satisfying and just plain delightful. Oh, I said that already. Ha ha. Anywho. I love vampire pieces too. So yeah. *tips her hat to the author*

[nostal]

Nice little twist.
Without it, this would have been just another kidnapping story.

[SeekTruth4Glory]

First, brilliant idea. Everyone likes to see the bad guy get his just desserts. However, he felt a little flat to me. I mean, why is he killing people? Why is he after children? Most child molesters aren't very sadistic, they fool themselves into thinking the child is interested in them. Many serial killers are confused, or on a power trip, but there's always an underlying trauma. I suggest developing our "anti-hero" just a bit more. Help us understand--as well as possible--why he does what he does.

I thought the child was done well. Seemed innocent enough. Nevertheless it was a little predictable, so try not to lay on the innocence so thickly. Instead of noting her innocence, just show us that she's innocent. Have her giggle and smile, and behave naively and so on. Tell us how her arms looked like porcelain twigs, and her knees were knobby, and how her dress looked baggy over her scrawny frame. Tell us how her eyes were big and trusting. The voice you described quite well.

Now, as for developing this into a novel. . .I'm not sure it can be. It seems like a story that was born to be a short story. If you want to develop it further, try writing about a man who is repentant, and trying to escape this insane little vampire and her clan of friends. Interesting scenario?: What happens if she and a few of her vampire friends were released into a prison? An asylum?

[SamBug]

I really liked it. It was a great write and you have an amazing talent.

[Sunshine Raines]

I think the little girl Vampire taking out a sex offender is quite unique. However there is one thing I would like to know. In the story on the next day it says the little girl was standing in the crowd but the sun was coming up. so if she was a vampire she would have to be in her resting place by then. Unless I'm reading it wrong.

The story line was great. I like it. I think it makes a good short story but a novel I'm not sure about. Unless you are planning to make her go after all sorts of bad people. Doing mankind a favor so to speak. S.R.

[Fallon]

I enjoyed reading this a lot, especially that the main viewpoint was from the pervert/murderer character. It's not easy to really get into the headspace of a character like that. Nice twist, can't say it shocked me because unfortunately I skimmed over the feedback before I read the story, lol.

Only two things bothered me: one, I really wanted to know what she was writing in the notebook, lol. Perhaps the answer to that could have been worked into the ending somehow. The last thing, that must have been a damn long pencil to nail him to a tree!

Overall, very well written and I was kept interested right to the end. As for expanding it, I think it works very well as a short story but there's never any harm in experimenting. Very well done.

[Dimples87]

I totally agree with Jonathan here, your descriptions are totally incredible and leave so much to the imagination. This story led me to believe that it could have been about something else besides vampire lit and I usually steer clear of those but this also led me to wanting to hear more.

[vamplit]

Hi
It's a great short story loved the twist love the victim/murderer being pegged to a tree with a pencil. Not sure if you could work this up into a full length novel, but it's worth trying and seeing where it goes.