Feeling

I wasn’t only angry, I was enraged. I felt hot. Was it the sun against the dark fabric across my chest or the blood circulating around my head. I was livid. ‘You never came home.’ I thought to myself. ‘All this time and you never once checked up on mom or I. You didn’t think to write, or let us know you were okay. And what the hell was up with the weird note? Why some cryptic unintelligible language? Its lost now, but what was it supposed to mean? Why did you try to grab me all those years ago? Are you going to attack again?’ My head spun. Dad could see it and sat on the sand. He pulled me down with him gently and took some deep breaths.  

“I know I made some choices that are hard to understand. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I really am, Dirt. All I can do to prove it to you is to support you now. I need to find your sisters-.” I glared sharply up at him. “Sister.” I corrected. “Who are we excluding, and why?” Dad questioned. He looked hurt. “Still. She came home without Rain and left behind a little gift that I think brought Armadillos to the SuperPlus. Mom and I had to flee and it was because of that she got poisoned. Still is not my sister. She is my sister’s kidnapper and as far as I'm concerned, she is as much mom's murderer as the man that injected her.”  

The man I grew up with, whom I had seen remain calm through some of the most grave moments of our lives, grimaced.  

“I don't share your perspective of Still. I haven't seen that side of her and I’d like to believe she had her reasons for doing what she did. But your feeling right now is important to me. It’s good information to have moving forward.” I looked down at my shaking hands. The sun was baking into my chest but everything below my ribs was cold as a flowing creek. “Dad. I don’t know if I can keep going. Mom’s gone, Rain might be, and I only have you as long as you are in control of yourself. Beyond that, the few friends I have made only cared when it was easy and convenient.  

I thought I found love once. Maybe I really did. But she made me wish I wouldn't have woken up some days.  

And the pain my body feels. My body, which just this morning was dead. Actually dead. Dumped into a metal bin with other corpses and medical things.  

I just can’t wrap my head around it Dad.. Why are we all here? Why didn’t we all die when the world blew up? Why did mom have to die in agony? Why do elites get to live the way they do? And-” Dad paused my spiraling. “Dirt.” I took a shaky breath and allowed the tears welling in my eyes to fall down my cheeks.  

He pulled me in close to his chest and wrapped as much of his chest around me as he could. “You are alive because your mother and I wanted you to be. We still want you to be. We want you to go on to leave your own mark on this world. I’m sorry we couldn’t give you more, but look who you have grown to be with the little you had? And yes, you have loved, and lost, and experienced unimaginable horrors. But kiddo I'm just f*****g happy you’re alive. Don't ever stop choosing to be alive. I need you to promise me that. When you think you may not want to be alive anymore, and the end of your blade is looking very intriguing to your inner brain I need you to sit down, close your eyes, and pause. I need you to wait, and listen. To breathe and allow your brain to have its tantrum. It will scream at you, and demand action from you. It will fall completely apart some days. Let it. But sit still as it’s happening. Feel everything, perceive your emotions and let them be free. Then, when the brain is calm, you can act rationally.  

If you get riled up again, then meditate again. But you are alive for a reason. You get to choose what the reason is.”  

I took a very deep, steady breath in. And exhaled. “Thank you Dad. I love you.” He smiled. “I love you too kiddo.”