The Unlocked Room

The Unlocked Room

A Story by Ellay
"

Another horror-ish story, for another contest. I'm still expanding on it though, probably going to make it a bit longer. Also, I will try to fix the tenses, which tend to flip between past and present

"
The door was unlocked.
That's what scared me the most. All the doors so far in this creepy as hell hospital had all been locked, but not this one. I had asked the previous owner where he had the keys so I could see all the rooms, but the room where he said they were stored was locked as well. But I really need this place, so I began to search for any rooms that were left open. I don't even know why I'm scared, though, this is what I wanted to find. An unlocked room. The door knob easy turned, with absolutely no resistance. 
I peeked in the room, prepared to see something utterly terrifying. But all there was was the standard hospital room furniture. A white sheeted bed, a few chairs for visitors, and an old TV hanging by a few wires on the wall. Letting out a sigh of relief, I stepped into the room of St Vista's Hospital, my heart pounding at a million miles an hour. Every time I stepped on a creaking floorboard, my heart jumped into my throat. This place closed down twenty years ago, and since no one needed it, I decided to rebuild and refurbish the place as a luxury hotel. I didn't anticipate the building being so unstable though. But with a little room re-sizing and a definite change in, well, everything, this place could be outstanding. If only all the rooms weren't locked...
A small squeak startled me from my day dreaming, making me jump. I looked down at my feet to see a little rat nibbling on my designer heels. I shook it off, making a mental note to call in an exterminator before making this place into my dream hotel. I took one last look of Room 666 before making my way back to the door. I tried to turn the knob, but it was stuck fast. Must be rust or something...
But no matter how hard I twisted the knob, it held fast. I pounded on the door, calling out to my partner who had accompanied me here, but no one answered. I could feel my panic level rising, and sweat began to bead down my forehead. It was the middle of the summer, and I was already sweltering hot. But I knew this was the fear induced perspiration. I tried everything i could, even going so far as I ram my body into the door, but it would budge.
After what felt like hours of screaming and pounding, I gave up. Bertha was probably long gone by now, probably assuming I went home without telling her. My throat and hands were sore, and I was immensely tired. It probably wasn't safe to sleep here though, with all the rats and God knows what else. But it has been days since my last rest, and my eyelids were practically falling already. I guess a little nap wont hurt.
I lay down on the bed, and immediately fell asleep.
However, what fell like mere moments later, I was awoken by someone shaking my arm, trying to pull me off the bed. Assuming it was Bertha or maybe even the police, I said "Its about time. I..." When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I immediately froze. It was neither Bertha, nor the police, but a little boy. He was holding a ragged, old teddy bear, tears streaming down his face. I sat up in an instant, and kneeled in front of the boy. He looked no more than five or six years old. 
"What are you doing here, sweetie? Are you lost?"
He shook his head. "You"
Confusion overwhelmed me. "Me?"
He nodded, and gave me a small, sad smile. "You are lost. I will lead you to freedom." Freedom? That sounds strange, especially from a little boy. How does he know he way around here?
"I'm sorry, but I don't understand." 
"We can help you. Please follow me." He began walking away from me, and out of sheer curiosity, I followed him. But I couldn't help be a little creeped out. He said we. Who else is with him? Friends? Family? 
He reached the door, and went for the knob. "Honey, that doesn't..."
But it opened when he turned it. My eyes widened in surprise, and my mouth gaped open. He stepped out into the hallway, and for a moment I considered not following him. But in the end, I followed him. I mean, he's a little boy, how much harm ban he really cause. 
As soon as I walked out of the room, the boy stopped. He was as still as a statue, his eyes wide.
He uttered one word before practically melting where he stood. "They're here.."
At this point, I was about ready to pee my pants. Grown woman or not, I was scared stiff, and felt like I was a little girl again. Small and helpless, even though I didn't know what was coming my way. 
I felt a cold chill on my neck, and screamed. I could barely take all of this. The creepy boy, the chill, now what?! 
A deep laugh echoed through the hallway. I wanted to go back into the room, but knew that if that door closed, it probably wouldn't open again. I was trapped, only waiting for death to claim me.
I felt some immense pressure in my head, causing me to fall to my knees in pain. Blood poured out of my nose, ears and mouth. Even my eyes began to bleed. My lungs felt as if they were collapsing on themselves, and I gasped for air. 
The person laughed again, and in my last moments of life, I saw that it wasn't human. It was some demon, with glowing red eyes and a shadow-like body. " Sweet dreams b***h."
I toppled to the floor, blood pooling around my body, as I finally ran out of any air, and departed this world.

© 2015 Ellay


My Review

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Featured Review

Interesting story. The setting is creepy and I like that you tell it in 1st person. I would suggest that you read over again, as their are a bunch of typos that are an easy fix. I am curious about why someone would buy any piece of property without seeing the rooms--which must have happened since all the rooms were locked. Maybe address that. Also, the ending comes on fast. If you draw it out a bit longer you can add some tension and suspense.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the feedback :) i will definitely take your advice.



Reviews

A very creepy setting. I think you could do with a little more beefing up on the visuals. You know, the descriptions that lure you in and set a terrifying picture and scene in your head. The kind of pictures that scare the hell out of you. Other than that fantastic concept. I love hospital horrors.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you :D
You convey a very strong atmosphere in this piece. Yes, there are the aforementioned issues, but it makes for a good read. :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you Lady Lola! :)
I gravely agree with Possum. To add to his review i'd like to note that adding detail slows down time and adds lyrisicm, when the details are scary and well described it makes for an even greater suspense! You could talk about the demons smell, look in his eyes, a vein in his neck pounding excitedly...

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the feedback :) I will definitely take those ideas into account!!
Creepy indeed! Sent a shiver down my spine........
A little finishing touches here and there would make good reading.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you!
I'm not a horror fan by any means, but I still liked the story quite a bit. I'll agree that the POV being in the 1st person adds to the creep factor and that the end would be better if drawn out. Reading the ending again, from about "I felt a cold chill on my neck ..." on, I find myself wanting very much to be deeper in this woman's head, wanting to feel her fear and then pain. But maybe that's just me.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the review! I have been working on the ending, and I believe that that is a perfect pl.. read more
Actually, sometimes people do buy properties without inspecting them first. Some forclosures are sold at auction 'as-is' and the buyers are not allowed to see the inside before they bid. Perhaps you could fit that into the story somewhere.

Creepy story. Child ghosts are the creepiest.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the review. I will definitely try and incorporate that idea :)
Hi, Pepitro. This is a brilliant piece of horror. There are a few spelling errors that distract, but don't harm the story, and the ending was a bit rushed- I would have liked to see you dwell upon it more. Otherwise, an altogether great piece. I look forward to reading more from you.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the review :) i have been working on an extension, so hopefully that will be out soon
Though I'm not a fan of horror (there's enough in the world for me), I found myself reading on, instead of clicking onto something else. Having said that, I think there are some structural problems with the piece. First there's an issue of tenses; you switch back and forth between present and past tense. Another issue is that the story is told in first person after the death of the subject -- I don't know how you fix that, but it strained the bounds of believability for me. I also would encourage you to edit the piece with an eye to removing clichés: "my heart pounding a million miles a minute" ("my heart pounding" is sufficient); "I was ready to pee my pants". I agree with the first reviewer who suggested that you might slow down the action a bit--more sensory refererences also might heighten the suspense. So, all in all, a good start.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the review. I do have a problem with tenses, which I have been trying to fix. And I wi.. read more
This was very interesting, i've always favored first person writings. There are a few typos - but they are silly mistakes and easy to overlook. i do agree that the ending could've been worked on a little more. otherwise: great!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the feedback :D i will try to fix the typos right away and am currently working on ex.. read more
DeirdreInShadows

9 Years Ago

i look forward to reading the extension! :)
Interesting story. The setting is creepy and I like that you tell it in 1st person. I would suggest that you read over again, as their are a bunch of typos that are an easy fix. I am curious about why someone would buy any piece of property without seeing the rooms--which must have happened since all the rooms were locked. Maybe address that. Also, the ending comes on fast. If you draw it out a bit longer you can add some tension and suspense.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ellay

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the feedback :) i will definitely take your advice.

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Added on July 8, 2015
Last Updated on July 10, 2015

Author

Ellay
Ellay

NY



About
I'm a young human interested in writing, not as a career, but as a hobby This is a little bit about me I'm now a senior in high school, after having started this account when I was a sophomore. Sc.. more..

Writing
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A Chapter by Ellay