WTC Memorial

Mother finds his name

soft caresses on engraved stone

tucks him in at night.

Author's Note

Revised version. Thank you for the help.

Reviews

[Belle]

I cannot claim I have formal education on creative writing for I do not have. The knowledge I have on this form is through a rigid research, this what I do normally when I want to understand what I am doing. I do my research well not to seek answers alone but to understand something and here is what I understand with regard to this form :

Senryu is the daughter of Haiku. Haiku is about nature while Senryu is about human nature, originally satiric and with irony in content, but with same form as to haiku : 3 lines, 5-7-5. syllable counts. When we say satiric, in the classical convention it is a literary genre with a content that follies, scorns or ridicules but always with wit.

As I go further with my research, I have learned that those conventions for both the HAIKU and SENRYU are practiced only in their home, Japan. Basically because, the 5-7-5 syllable count are perfectly fit on Japanese language, and not in English language. Modern Haiku poets in Western rarely use the syllable count. What is more important is to understand the souls of the two genres which are looking into nature with reverence for the first and human nature with layered meaning for the latter.

Please allow me again to share my Senryu, a piece accepted for educational purposes :

Ithaca

where great love was born
fed by the soul of a faithful
embraced by the whole world.

I did not follow the traditional syllable count here, but it was accepted.


I hope this help, sir.

[SteveB]

It does indeed! Thank you so very much. I was never a big fan of formalized micro-poetry but I have read some wonderful pieces here and been inspired/challenged to try my poor hand at it. Any lessons I can learn are truly appreciated.

[Belle]

Again, the pleasure to share is mine. I will be looking for the other two Senryu on my next visit (bed is calling, 2.45Am here) , but I guess that'll be another two good.

If I am to ask, you did so well on this one, and you do not have to worry about your syllable count on the second line. It is always best to work with the traditional convention, at most that is what I do, but sometime if there is a need to deviate, there is nothing wrong with it.

[SteveB]

Thank you again. And sleep well. I appreciate you thoughts.

[Angi]

I remember right where I was standing when the news hit. I gasped when I read the last line. I feel such pain, but I cannot imagine the level she goes through. Very nicely done, Steve. Angi~

[SteveB]

Thanks Angi. This was inspired when I saw the mother of an old friend at last years memorial.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i keep tripping a bit with the second line...i want to read it caresses...but i know it won't fit with the syllable count..

but this is like Poe might write a haiku...

[SteveB]

That is the problem wiht the form. Although it did prevent me being maudlin which would have been easy. I agree with you about the second line. Do you think "Soft caresses on engraved stone" would read/sound any better?

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, i do. it really smooths it out.

[SteveB]

Thank you Jacob. I appreciate the suggestion.

[icelandicblue]

This encompasses the horror of it all with a caress.

[SteveB]

Thank you so much for taking the time to find me and this piece. I appreciate it.

[Frieda P]

This actually sent chills up my spine recalling the last time I was there...succinct and affecting.

[SteveB]

Thank you Freida, I see that you are from "Joisey" so you get it more than others. While the nation mourns a tragedy for those of us who lived in the shadow of the Towers it was much more personal.

[Frieda P]

You're welcome Steve. My one son worked three blocks from there, he watched in horror as people plunged to their deaths, and the other is a firefighter who helped in the clean up, yes...close to home in more ways than one.

[Rita L. Sev]

Great write, first try at this form or not! Sad and poignant, you indeed packed plenty of emotion into this senryu.

[SteveB]

Thank you Rita. After reading the short pieces that pack so much written by you, Frieda, and Angi amongst others I thought I would give it a try. I was inspired to write something when I saw the mother of a guy I went to grade school with searching for his name. Everything I tried was unworthy of the grief until I tried to do a micro. Sometimes boiling it down is needed, like maple sap to syrup.

[Sami Khalil]

Sad but a good one...Thank you for sharing...:)

[SteveB]

Thanks Sami

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)