He stands exhausted on the roof of a building leaning over the edge as
far as he dare to survey his surroundings whilst clutching the railing with
both hands to hold his balance, his thighs and calves are burning from racing
up the fourteen flights of stairs and he has just managed to catch his breath.
The sun is bursting through a gap in the clouds, a rare occurrence, and the
brightness forces him to squint and refocus his eyes; it seems beautiful
against this broken urban landscape. He looks down and can see a window
cleaner’s trolley hanging by the side of the building about two storeys down,
he’s confident he can make the drop or better yet slowly rappel himself down
the woven steel cables attached by crane arms from the roof but this city has
fallen into disrepair and the cable could snap under his weight or the bolts
anchoring it could come loose, best to keep looking. There is another office
building to the south, it must be at least a twelve foot gap and the drop is
easily another twelve but with the adrenaline coursing through him and a
running start he can make it, he’s done it before, the gap wasn’t as big nor
the drop as high but the stakes weren’t as high as this either. He’s running
out of time now, they’ve reached the door and are throwing themselves against
it, the impromptu door bar won’t hold for long. He takes his rucksack off his
back and tosses it over the breach like an Olympic Hammer Thrower, it lands in
the centre of the roof and bursts open from hitting a metal vent, his flask
splits in two and the precious water he so carefully rationed soaks into the
gravel and two tins of canned food explode across the ground. Behind him he can
hear the door groaning, screaming for him to jump as it tries to hold back his
attackers but it can do no more, the door flies open and bodies spill onto the
roof falling over one another, almost comically, allowing him a couple of
seconds to turn and run.
Sprinting as fast as he possibly can to the edge he uses the railing
to vault from the roof and propel himself across to the other building, in the
air he brings his knees into his chest in preparation for the landing, he feels
the strong sun and gentle breeze working harmoniously and in that moment he
can’t help but think that as far as final experiences go on this Earth, this
one isn’t bad; his eyes water and his leg of its own accord breaks rank with
the rest of his body and pushes itself out ever so slightly as the gravel roof
comes up hard under him. Pain surges through his mutinous right foot but
regardless it does its job well and is back in unison with his left springing
him forward, his arms like roll bars protect his head and he skids forward a couple
of feet on his back before coming to a stop. He lays there for a moment
seemingly dazed with the sun still beating down upon him; he clutches his ankle
with his right hand and with the left sleeve of his worn leather motorcycle
jacket wipes sweat from his brow leaving a streak of dirt across his forehead.
He raises his head up just enough to see past his knees and lets out an
exhausted laugh as his head falls back to the ground. The sun disappears behind
a great cloud and the air immediately feels cooler, he opens his eyes and panic
floods his body as his arms instinctively come up to block his face he rolls to
one side. A body comes slamming down beside him and he feels the spray of warm
blood on his face and before he can react the ground beneath him gives way and
he falls desperately into the unknown where he lands hard on his back and
blacks out.
He awakes with a huge gasp and shock overwhelms him; his lungs
frantically claw for air, his head rolls around as the muscles in his neck try
to regain control, his ears ring shell-shocked from the clattering of metal and
stone around him, his vision is blurred from dirt and tiny pieces of debris, he
clenches his fists and cries out in pain until the sudden realisation of what has
happened hits him. Parts of the roof are still falling above so he knows he
hasn’t been out long, quickly looking around the darkened room he can see a
door at the far end illuminated by light coming through a broken window, there
are two vending machines and a small kitchen area with a refrigerator and some
other small appliances, there are several banks of desks with monitors and hard
drives on them and some have privacy dividers protruding from them. The
commotion has disturbed a thick layer of dust which previously blanketed the
entire open plan office and the huge dark swirls make him cough and wheeze, as
he brings his arm up to cover his mouth he suddenly becomes aware of a
contorted, shadowy figure twitching beside him.
Startled, he falls backwards off of the bank of desks which broke his
fall and topples clumsily over an office chair landing face first on the rubble.
He reaches across his chest slowly, grasps the handle of an eight inch blade
and draws it from its tough leather sheathe all the while keeping his gaze on
the body, he rises to his feet slowly wincing as he does so and steadies
himself on a nearby desk as he takes tentative steps towards the grotesque
creature. Its entire body continues to twitch violently as he walks around and
puts his back up against the window where he pauses for a moment incase it
strikes out, the butt of his blade is held to his chest with the serrated blade
facing out so that in an instant he can launch his arm forward like a trebuchet
and deal a killer blow, with his free arm he wipes clear the window and light
bursts through revealing the extent of the disfigurement of this once human
creature.
The skin is greyed and mutilated, there are scars and abrasions from
head to toe, it’s not wearing any shoes and all of the nails are either broken
or missing. Its ankle is clearly broken as are both feet. The clothes it’s
wearing are torn and covered in blood, dirt and only God knows what else. A
pole pierced the left arm around the bicep but the muscle is still taut as
though it’s struggling to move. He crouches down like an investigator at a
crime scene to closer examine the damages and can see that its back is arched
and the spine twisted, probably why it can’t move, and he relaxes his arm
loosening his grip on the knife slightly. These things are social and usually
hunt in packs so this is the first time he’s ever been able to inspect one up
close, he can’t help but wonder how the hell it made that jump, they’re fast,
he knows that from experience but it shouldn’t have had the sense to jump and
even though this one did, why didn’t the rest?
Its chest is still heaving as it tries to draw breath and its mouth
gapes like a dying fish as its head falls to the side. It’s staring at him now
and even under its dulled eyes he feels as though there may be something human
left in there, the blank expression on its face and broken jaw make it easy for
him to see it as a monster, but its eyes seem to cry out as if in pain.
He remembers being holed up in an old Library three or so years ago,
he would have been eighteen at the time, it was completely derelict and the
balcony on the East side of the building had collapsed scattering a sea of
books across the cold marble floor. He’d spent more time there than anywhere
else since being forced to flee from the Haven he shared with others years ago.
He was completely fascinated by the books and newspapers and would spend hours
imagining what life was like then, a life he’d never known or would know, and
how wonderful it would have been. It was however, a comic book that gripped him
the most, the cover page was indistinguishable from years of rot as were
several of the pages but the centre fold was almost intact. It depicted grey human-like
creatures, sluggish in their movements and voracious in their hunger for flesh
and they would chase after screaming people shouting “Brains!” It was closer to
his life than what he had seen in the newspapers.
He chuckles derisively to himself for a moment before shaking his head
and snapping back to reality. He places his left hand under its chin and tilts
its head back holding it firmly and brings his blade across its throat hard and
fast cutting deep. Within seconds blood pools on the floor and the twitching
stops and what life is left in its eyes fades out to become a lighter shade of
grey.
Just finished what I feel to be the first chapter, obviously some amendments to be made here and there, anything that you think might be missing please let me know, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks
My Review
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I love this idea! I've always been a fan of the whole post apocalyptic theme. In fact, a lot of my writing takes place in a post apocalyptic world as well. I really like whats happening so far and I'm interested, however I noticed that many of your sentences are very long. Much of the time there is a comma in places where I feel a period would be more appropriate. That is my only complaint. Fantastic job otherwise!
So the first thought I have is, "What makes this Zombie story different?" This is likely the first question your non-writer readers are also going to ask. Much of the Zombie sub-genre of post-apocalyptic Sci Fi is old news. What distinguishes your story from all the rest? Fast-zombies: done. Possibly sentient/logical/evolving: done. If you've asked yourself this question and you have an answer, I look forward to reading more. If not, please consider thinking about it- this will likely determine how far a reader gets into your story. The "new thing" will be what is going to keep your reader interested.
As mentioned in an earlier review, there are a lot of comma splices. Because of this, I think the chapter actually feels like it's moving a little too fast. Part of that will be resolved by adding some more periods, but also taking your time in getting from one big moment to another will help. Italicizing thoughts will also help differentiate the telling from the internal dialogue the MC (main character) is having.
The present tense is throwing me off a little since it is so rarely used, but I look forward to acclimating to it. I'm intrigued.
This first chapter seems to be quite interesting, most people who write this type of genre start off in a dream and then it becomes a reality. They would normally have all these characters that they are trying to introduce at the same time too. Which gets a bit confusing at times. But here you have executed it brilliantly, it's so easy to follow. Also writing a book in third person can get a bit difficult, but here you keep it engaging and keep the intensity going. Which makes the reader want to read more of it. Nicely written, Stephen.
I love this idea! I've always been a fan of the whole post apocalyptic theme. In fact, a lot of my writing takes place in a post apocalyptic world as well. I really like whats happening so far and I'm interested, however I noticed that many of your sentences are very long. Much of the time there is a comma in places where I feel a period would be more appropriate. That is my only complaint. Fantastic job otherwise!
I think it is excellent. The way you way - like a cheetah, flying forward at 60 mph - descriptions wonderful. Intriguing. I'll get to chapter 2 soon. Stephen, think this will make a great book. Not my taste RIGHT now, could change by the time I'm finished....many people love this genre and it will sell. Please keep it up. You do have talent. Thank you. Dale
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thanks for the review Dale, I'm glad you've liked it so far. I appreciate it's not everyone's taste .. read moreThanks for the review Dale, I'm glad you've liked it so far. I appreciate it's not everyone's taste but hopefully, with a little work, I'll be able to sway you.
Cheers,
Stephen
9 Years Ago
Keep writing, I'll get to Ch. 2 soon, and hopefully you will have 3 and on......
Stephen, I came over for a read because I was asked to comment on your first two chapters, I have read the first and while I enjoyed the idea or plot of the story I found myself distracted by some spelling mistakes and unedited grammar. As I continued on it was evident that you have fallen into the beginners trap of telling instead of showing. I hope you understand what I mean and do not take any offence at my honest review.
It is better to let the reader learn by subtle dialogue or good discriptions that blend into the story without being evident.There is golden rule if the reader doesn't learn the identidy of the protagonist by the end of the first page he cannot relate to him/her and therefore will not show emphathy to them, the result being they cease to read on.
Take another look at it again Stephen and see were you can improve on it. You can of course ignored what I have said but take some time to read a few of the good writers eg; Stephan King, John Grisham and you will see what I mean. Please above all keep writing because that is the only way to learn your craft if you wish to continue on. I hope I have been of some help.
Will
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Will, thank you so much for your honesty and I'll certainly work on my spelling and Grammar. I appre.. read moreWill, thank you so much for your honesty and I'll certainly work on my spelling and Grammar. I appreciate what you are saying with "telling instead of showing" and will be sure to revisit and amend as best I can. With the regards to the identity of the character I'm trying something a bit different whereby I want to build a back story through moments of nostalgia where the reader gradually comes to find out more about the character, as I've also tried to do in chapter 2 where I introduce another character.
Once again thank you for your honesty as there is a lot I can take from this.
Stephen
Hello Stephen!
This was interesting, and kept me engaged. I would say the main thing that I can see that inhibits your story, is that at times your writing seems like one continuous sentence. Perhaps you could structure your sentences a little better? Just a suggestion. At any rate, your description was awesome though : )
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thanks Tobias, I'm glad you liked it. I definitely agree with you about the sentence structure and i.. read moreThanks Tobias, I'm glad you liked it. I definitely agree with you about the sentence structure and it is something that I really need to work on. Thanks for taking the time to look at this.
Hey! Great start! And kudos to being consistent with the Third Person POV that you wrote with, that is not an easy task. I really don't see much that needs critiquing here, but try and separate your paragraphs out as much as you can, because large chunks can be a bit much when the reader takes a first glance at your story.
Like I said, great start, can't wait to read on!
Well done :)
The chapter is interesting. Different from most of the writing in this particular genre. Made me curious and kept me engaged. Third person pov's can be difficult to write and read for that matter so kudos to you for managing to keep it engaging and making me curious enough to want to read another chapter. Hopefully you post something new soon
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Thanks Annelise for the kind words, I'm glad you found it interesting. I've just completed the 1st c.. read moreThanks Annelise for the kind words, I'm glad you found it interesting. I've just completed the 1st chapter, I think, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on the amendments and any ideas that you might have?
Hi. I'm 23 years old and my recent employment working nightshift has allowed me an opportunity to try my hand in writing. I am mainly doing this for my own amusement however I am still curious to see .. more..