1. OMG

Completely original!! ALL rights belong to ME!!

It was a dark and totally vamp-type day, the usual in this boring, dull town with its bitchy vampires and lesbian werewolves. Fella was LMFAO-shuffling down the road to Justin Bieber purring in her ears, minding her business in her brand new dungarees with butterfly buttons and an eye patch, eye patches were cool. The beautiful, busty, popular girl Cindy was sitting on the wall mocking her choice of clothes. “Hey hoe, did ya get dressed in the dark again” she giggled to the whale claps of her fan club posse. “You don’t know me, no one understands me” Fella shouted back running back up the road flailing and wondering why life hated her so much, and why her life was so crappy with her nice suburban house and functional family, why gad, why she wailed. 

She spazzed when Deadward, the hot boy in the ripped jeans and tight black t-shirt jumped out from behind an epic tree, and she tripped over his fantastic jimmy choos to hit the floor.  “OMG... OMFGOAR” (oh my f***ing God on a rock), she started, as she noticed the bieberlicious pink iPod was cracked. She was about to have another b***h fit, but calmed when she saw the hot boy checking his un-reflection in the mirror, slicking back his cool crisp hair and pouting like a modern day Agonis, or Abonis, or something, she never paid attention in class, it wasn’t cool. She managed to claw herself into a sitting position after thrashing around like an overturned turtle with a rucksack too big for her. She gazed into his amber eyes, though she was completely sure they were like black the other day when she drooled watching him in class.

She tried to talk, but her stick-on fangs kept catching on her tongue, so she just sat there on the floor as the wind whipped her face baywatch style and she acted all mysterious as the pretty girls laughed and she tried to spit out the words “I love you” to Deadward. After what seemed like totally forever he snarled in that sexy vamp type way and she giggled as he started to turn. Fearing she’d missed her chance she jumped to her feet and blurted out, “I... I... I’ll cut you”. He turned startled, “no, no, that’s not what I meant... I mean I'll cut myself, like before..." she looked wistfully at her long sleeve short. "no, that's not what I meant, either. It's just that you're so beautiful, and your shoes..."

Fella was interrupted by a rustling in the bushes as Jaylee pounced out between them. She walked over and Fella looked her up and down appraisingly. Fella’s thoughts shifted into overdrive, 'Ooh, she has filled out nicely since last year's Insipid High and Jack Daniels Indian Reservation mixer. JDIRS students (or Jaders, as they were often called, not because they traded jade trinkets, like those Asian girls, all they had was turquoise. Turquers wouldn't have sounded right.) Oh, gads, silly me, I've lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, Jaylee is looking super hot, except for that unibrow, but with a little waxing...mm yeah that could work'

"Hey, hotstuff!" jaylee purred. 

Deadward looked up and smiled. 

"Not you, Beiberliscious," Jaylee sneered as she leaned over and began to make out with a very surprised Fella. 

"Damn, c*ckblocked by a werecat b*tch," muttered Deadward.

Jaylee pulled back and laughed. 

"Manscara, guyliner, and super sparkly Jimmy Choo's... Can I really block something I suspect is not even there, Deadwood? And by the way, aren't you supposed to be sparkling, not your FMP's?"

"It's DeadWARD! And no, that's Twilight Saga. This is more like mid-morning."

"Well, damn. I'm going to have to have a chat with my agent," Jaylee smiled. "I told her I didn't want any more inane, career-killing parts and thank god she listened and didn't cast me in that drivel." Turning back to Fella, Jaylee's smile turned up at the corners a bit more. "That was just a prelude to prom night."

"But I was just about to ask her to prom," Deadward simpered. "And why would she want to go with you and that huge unibrow?"

"The better to block your sparkly shoes," Jaylee responded putting her hands on her hips. 

"and such a big mouth," Deaddy shot back. 

"The better to eat her with," Jaylee replied before she realized what she had said. 

"Hold up, now," Fella said, "Would that be considered sex? Because I just can't deal with commitments."

"That's not exactly what I meant," Jaylee said, "However..."

"What about me? She was about to cut herself for me. That's a sign of devotion for vamps."

"Alright, hold your horses, now crossdresser boy. I've been cutting for years and it had nothing to do with sexy leeches. I can't live my vapid non-dysfunctional life without it. If I don't block everything with the pain, then I can feel my parents love. Gads, that's unthinkable. As to deciding between you two? That's so like, hard." Fella’s eyes glazed over as she twirled a piece of hair around her finger.

“like... what are you anyways" she muttered as they all of a sudden ended up in a forest type thing...

“you know what I am” he whispered, shoes sparkling in the dark, "go on say it"

“you’re a... You’re a... Vam- hang on, wtf you're a Tranny?” 

To be continued...

Author's Note

Completely Original!! More to come!!! Hope you like it!!

Reviews

[Robin]

completely original ! After reading this I think I'll put my Hardcover copy of Bram Stokers Dracula up for sale on Amazon . it was so ... dated ...

your version Steph , can I call you that ? Steph much more aligned with the current era , fitting our modern social atmosphere . I see this becoming very popular amongst your intended audience .

Kudos . 100/100

Keep writing .

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

Love your use of words and phrases, it is great to read, very refreshing indeed, hope to read more, can't wait :)