Did I mess everything up?

The weird could of been relationship between me and a friend

Sometimes I can’t help but think.
‘Did I mess everything up between us?’
‘Did I mess up the future that we could’ve had?’

You were always good at hiding your true emotions I could tell. Since freshman year when you were in a relationship you hated. Since junior year when you broke away for my the relationship you hated. I could never know exactly what you were feeling or thinking. But I know a general idea,as do all your friends. I would say our friends because technically we all are friends, by they’re closer to you in a way I could never be.

We’re really good friends right?

I remember once we were talking about our friendship and you said I didn’t know you that well. Being the emotionally constipated person I was I immediately replied a sort of “of course” ....well exactly I replied “yeah, I’m not. We have only one class together and I only message you about academics clearly shown by the lack of messages this past week.”

.....I think I hurt you when I said that.


Because you replied,
rather slowly, “I think you’re still pretty close to me tho”


God I messed everything up hadn’t I?

Since then you’ve really opened up to me a lot more. You reference that a lot to me now too...and I never know what to say.
We’ve grown apart since we don’t sit with each other anymore.

But mainly because of that.
When your friends all thought I liked you and you liked me.

I never did tell you did I?
One of them messaged me.
I didn’t know about any of it at the time though, because of the fool I am. You were still talking to me every night so I guess I can blame that on you too, for not telling me.
She started off casual, but got pretty straight to the point and said that you were stressed about it. Stressed because of me I translated, as she wasn’t very nice about it. She then showed me a screenshot of a conversation you had with her, once where you said you were scared I would ask you out and you would be too afraid to say no. She didn’t show me any more of that conversation and immediately asked me if I liked you. I said no. That was a half lie half truth, coincidentally I was actually thinking of us, us being in a possible relationship if you wanted to. I wasn’t going to do anything, but I was really satisfied with the idea.
After that I didn’t hear anything from her.

It made sense though, around that time you didn’t wait for me after class. And since then you’ve stopped walking to me to where I eat lunch despite it being in the opposite direction of where you had to go.

Things are better now though, I really tried and wanted them to be.
Is that where I screwed up?
Was it when I told you I didn’t like you because I thought that’s what you wanted to hear? Was it when I accepted that you wouldn’t go my way anymore and as a compromise walked you to yours?

Because I could have sworn we had something.

Did I misread all that?

I knew that we were friends in a situation where it would be nearly impossible to be as close as we got, just friends.

All the late night texts everyday while we worked or played.

All the times you would text me despite the fact that you watching your favorite show.

All the times you texted me when you were done with things because I asked you to.

All the times you said you had to go because while you could multitask, you knew I couldn't.

When you tried to come to my house immediately after I told you my address after I forgot something, despite being able to just give it to me at school the next day.

When you immediately took back your neutral opinion of my friend writing it off as a joke when I was surprised you didn’t like him.

When you walked me to where I ate, oh wait this is a funny thing I never told you.

When you walked me to where I ate everyday, and I secretly found out that it was way out of your way and you tried to cover it up.

Because you knew I would put two and two together, I guess you just didn’t know how well I know the way you think.

When you were driving me to a mutual friend’s house and we had to grab something from your locker and I immediately started walking to where I thought it was, near where I ate, like where it was last year. And then you corrected me saying it was in the section of the school we were standing in, the one that’s two sections away from where I ate everyday. THe correction immediately followed by the explanation “I like to walk around.” Even though I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because I was thinking of all the times when all my friends were late, and I would offer to take you to your offer and you would adamantly refuse and scurry away.

Oh god I love that memory, I guess I still haven’t technically told you that yet. But it actually good that I haven’t right? Because I misread that.

Because soon after all your friends were teasing you and you put distance between us, because you didn’t want to deal with drama with relationships again. Because you kept saying “haha I’m probably gay tho” everytime someone brought it up in the groupchat. Because you stopped walking me, and only after I said I didn’t like you, was I able to walk with you...to your spot...to her.

Hahaha I guess the average person reading this doesn’t exactly know the situation presently.

Walking you to your now girlfriend.

Damn you’re cute together.

I don’t know much about her except that you were really close friends for three years.

And when our friend asked you that you two were also “basically dating” for all of that time.

Coincidentally she’s also the only person in your group I didn’t know.

You guys started dating a week, after I told you I didn’t like you right? And your group started obsessing over you and her, comfortable joking as you were all close friends.

I know this in this situation you’re happier than whatever it was that we were close to having. And no, I don’t hate your girlfriend even though it might seem like I’m pining over you, I don’t know her and she seems like the positive person you need in your life.

Believe it or not I’m completely content with what we have now. We’re still close friends, maybe not as much as before, but that’s probably just in my head since you’ve shared a huge secret with me after all this has happened. You’re happy which is all I can ask for. And I don’t see myself being in a relationship. That’s what really stopped the both of us I think, if the thing I thought was there was there. You’ve been in once really messed of long-term relationship and two other ones, and I’ve been in none. Despite being close what I said was true and we really only had a limited of things we talked about constantly with each other despite both caring for each other an incredibly large amount. Neither of us made a move, scared that we would lose someone we really cared about.

Things are awkward now, your friends, which are kinda my friends too because we all know each other, obviously avoid talking about you and her around me. You know they use ambiguous pronouns with me always saying “them” “their” and sometimes slipping up and saying “her”? Never her name though, but I know. And I’m completely fine with it. I don’t know one thing that I don’t really know nor want to bring up is that you never mentioned anything about me, I found out after one of the “ambiguous person” conversations our friends had in front of me, about your first date with her. I don’t think you knew I knew until I interjected a conversation about your dating life saying “They’re really cute together!” Why don’t you want me to know, why don’t you talk to me about it. Things are the fine the way they are right now I promise. So please I just really want to know if you’re happy, I know you guys hang out a lot, just because I know you. But i also know that you would do that even if you secretly didn’t want to. I just want you to tell me if you’re really happy or not. Because I care about you a lot. I don’t necessarily like you and I don’t understand why I can’t just really care about you and not like you at the same time. Why don’t we ever text as friends anymore, I know we’re still close and nothing will change that, but you need to talk to me. Because,

did I mess everything up?

Author's Note

Please leave constructive criticism or your thoughts on this!