Within these walls of freedom I saw an endless prison.

We are all trapped

I am a corpse

My eyes sunken in

The bagginess

Weights like blackened plates.

Children playing with their mates.

 

Under trees lay their piercing laughter

The crack, the pause the play that comes after

Connecting all, if happiness exists.

Persist.

 

The earth is barren

Laden with grief

Sinking underneath the leaves

As I see

Capture in

My soul eradicates

Makes

 

Pictures of a life: long dream rapture.

Buried by the weary leaves

Sewn deep into cravats; mine.

 

Mine: Sign the oath

The oath to freedom

Be free, be. Be.

Until you capture life’s long kingdom

Engulfed in riches, laden in gold

Basking under…

Some moonlight

Ghost ridden

broken

You are in prison.

Author's Note

A part of my attempt to describe the deeper meanings of life. Comments? =)

Reviews

[w2de35657u687y4324rf]

Hmm, the partial rhyme sort of ate at me. I normally don't like rhyming poetry and I especially don't like it when the rhyme fades in and out. However, I too feel that we are trapped. I appreciated the significance of the poem and most of the imagery was well written and wonderful to vision. It was a good poem in all, but it could use a bit of review, I think.

[Blessed_Angel]

Wow this is a good writing. I loved the use of words great job.

[VelvetRosetta]

You dug deep into the core of life...Be free...love this!

[brightestday]

Theres some impressive stuff here. 'The earth is barren Laden with grief
Sinking underneath the leaves"; I like the melancholy and gothic feel of that line. They'd make good lyrics. Though some of it I think could use a little tweaking, theres alot of short, blunt lines that aren't quite as hard-hitting as they could be. I think it would come across stronger if you laced some of the stanzas with more pithy and elegant imagery in your expression.
Otherwise a good poem you have here.

[Kyla H]

Hmm, very nice imagery. Also, I love the staccato feeling to this, it keeps the reader thinking and on edge. Nicely done.

[Macy A. Brown]

loved it

[AndyJCash]

The thing I love about your writing is that you manage to pull out some great poetic imagery with good underlying meanings, this being another example of that. Do keep writing poetry, you obviously have a talent for it!

[Aidz]

Some kewl wordplay , always kewl to experiment and sometimes you pull it off like this time

[Pretty Faces Split Open]

You saw it and brought it back. Well done

[FemmeSpookyCorpse]

I think you shared your attempt brilliantly! Your stanzas drew me in, and allowed my mind to dance with your stunning visuals. I love the tiny hint of darkness you've worked into the poem, for a different, yet radiant view. Great work! = ]

-Brittany