Day 4

It's not really Day 4, but f**k that it's Day 4. Should be it be mature if it's everyone?

I'm having a really hard time writing. I'm at a coffee shop, standing up right now. My back really hurts, I believe because I have been carrying around my laptop and also because I haven't been doing yoga. I also just feel really... really like I don't want to write today. Like I want to do anything but write. It's painful to think of the story. Why? Why can't I do it?

I feel whiny. Like I need a massage. 

I actually did finish a short story the other day, and I submitted it to my favorite literary magazine, and now I just want to forget it until I hear from them.

But... But... I want to write a novel!

I'm actually IN a novel writing class but it's not working. I can't decide if I like the teacher or not. She's not exactly helping the writing. Weird because I had one teacher tell me that it wasn't a novel unless it was 100 pages. And I wanted to write a novel so badly I went home and wrote 100 pages. Nothing else mattered.

Funny but nothing else matters now. Sure the laundry needs done and dishes need done too, but it doesn't actually matter. It's not taxing. I should be able to get this done. I don't need a nice figure nor a diet plan, I don't even need to live if I'm not writing. Okay, that one I'm exaggerating, I know. I even have a fully formed idea. So why am I not writing?

Well, for one thing, I know I'm going to write and be told I'm doing it wrong. You have red herrings. We need to know what this thing is and we don't. I don't believe this character is real. You need to get into the body more. And the teacher is always doing this annoying thing where she just tells you to change something unchangeable. Have these people fall in love, have her know more than she does, this character wouldn't be complaining here. She's trying to control my story, and I have control issues as it is! 

I just read Queen of the Night, and I liked it though I think some of things went over my head. I don't know, even the French names I couldn't quite get past to lose myself clearly in the story, and I didn't get some of the historical references. I kept being like, what? where are we, who are, what the heck is going on?!? But even I could tell it was masterful, and could be enjoyed by a person for more cultured and smarter than myself. And still, in the reviews, it was critiqued. Critiqued for authentic voice, of which I highly disagree--I very much saw the main character, and also criticized for being too droll. So, you can't please anybody. You're not even supposed to please. You're just supposed to write.

And still, what do I do? I mean, I'm ready now, I just don't know what to do. Well, okay, I just re-read Day 1 of Fast Fiction by Denise Jaden, and it gave me an idea. Maybe instead of actually doing the writing, I'll write to the writer in me and tell myself what to do. Kind of like a director. I don't know. It sounds crazy. But this way I can keep writing the outline (my favorite part) and fill in the creative stuff and fancy syntax later.

Okay, let's try that.