Wizardry for Dummies, 4th Edition: Living in a Muggle World.

Harry and Hermione have been recently expelled from Hogwarts, join them in their journey to get back into Hogwarts while trying to deal with the problems of being in a muggle world. No MAGIC STYLE!

Wizardry for Dummies, 4th Edition: Living in a Muggle World. 

(Lights Up, Hermione Granger and Harry Potter sit on the edge of a bench, in a beautiful spot of Central Park, on each side of the bench are luggages, and a broomstick for each of them. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are dressed in their Hogwarts uniforms.) 

Hermione Granger: Expelled. How can we possible be expelled!

Harry Potter: Hermione you’ve said that about 10 times in the past 14 minutes. 

Hermione Granger: And, I’m going to keep saying it till that old hag McGonagall allows us back into Hogwarts!

Harry Potter: I don’t think that’s how it works, expulsion is permanent. 

Hermione Granger: Do you think I’m a bloody idiot or something, I know what expelled means, the problem is how can they expel the smartest girl in 5th year, and bloody Harry Potter for God’s sake. 

Harry Potter: Hermione, let’s just figure out what we’re going to do alright, maybe we should call Ron, he will get us out of this mess!

Hermione Granger: Ron! As in Ron Weasley, are you delirious! I’m not calling him. After what he said to me before I left, He’ll be lucky if I give him the time of day. 

Harry Potter: Hermione you can be so Stubborn!

Hermione Granger: (Standing Up) Another negative remark from you and I’m going to make boils appear in places you rather not see them. I am not Stubborn, I just refuse to talk to Ron until he apologizes for being an utter dimwit- 

(Ron Weasley Enters on the side Hermione’s back is turned to) 

Ron Weasley: I’m not apologizing Hermione. 

(Hermione Granger yelps and falls into Harry Potter’s arms)

Hermione Granger: Sorry Ron you scared me, you just (staggering over her words), you just interrupted me and Harry snogging. (Hermione fixes her hair as if it was just a mess due to making out with Harry)

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley: (Harry coughs before saying) SNOGGING 

Hermione Granger: Yes Snogging Harry, remember 5 seconds ago you were telling me how much you loved it. (Touching Harry Potter’s face)

Ron Weasley: Hermione you’re making a fool out of yourself.

Hermione Granger: Tell Him Harry, tell him how much you enjoyed it

(Harry is to stunned to reply)

Hermione Granger: (Continued) See look at him, speechless, I was that good.

Ron Weasley: Can we just go Hermione, we have more important things to think about, like getting you back to Hogwarts. Right Harry?

Harry Potter: (quickly) Yeah. Ron’s right, we should focus on getting back to Hogwarts Hermione.

Hermione Granger: (Stands up) Fine, but with the likes of Ron leading the way we will all likely end up dead, or worse expelled! 

Ron Weasley : Hermione, you already are expelled.

Hermione Granger: One more word Ron, one more and you’re getting your hair on fire.

Harry Potter: Technically it already is…

Hermione Granger: Harry Potter! What did I just say one more word, from both of you!

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley: (Annoyed) HERMIONE (Extended) 

Hermione Granger: (Pause) I’m going to find a hotel, we can regroup tomorrow. (She grabs her suitcase and broom stick, Harry and Ron’s eyes follow her without a single word. Once packed up she says) Goodnight Harry, I’ll see you bright an early as always. (Pause, Hermione looks at Ron) Goodnight Ron, I hope I wake up to reading about you being taken to Azkaban in one of “The Daily Prophet’s” articles. (Hermione Granger storms offstage) 

Ron Weasley: (Pause, waiting for Hermione to get offstage, quickly turning to Harry Potter) Is she delirious!

Harry Potter: Honestly Ron, I have no idea at this point

Ron Weasley: Well I guess we should follow her shouldn’t we, so we can grab a room as well.

Harry Potter: Yeah that would probably be the best idea at this point. (They both grab Harry Potter’s items)

Ron Weasley: I can assure you tonight will be utterly horrid.

Harry Potter: Well I’ll make sure to buy some popcorn as the cool muggles say.

(Ron Weasley and Harry Potter Exit) 

(Enter Hermione Granger, she has a large old book in her hand and sits on an armchair)

Hermione Granger: (opens book) “Wizardry for Dummies, 4th Edition: Living in a Muggle World” Chapter 4, Interactions. Muggles are non magical born humans who are unable to comprehend the vast world of Wizardry. Due to this, any talk of magic to a muggle is strictly prohibited, and will lead to immediate punish and possible expulsion. For any reason as to why a muggle must know of the wizarding world must be passed through the Ministry of Magic. (closes book) This textbook is utterly dull.(she gets up and places the book back in the bookshelf, and pulls out a magazine, she goes back to her armchair and resumes reading. Hermione looks puzzled.) Who is this muggle they call Justin Bieber, and why is he peeing in a bucket, Muggles are so confusing. (Enter in Ron Weasley, he is stuffing his face with the last bit of breakfast and sipping a drink, Hermione Granger turns and asks him) Do you ever stop eating?

Ron Weasley: No (He walks over to Hermione and stands behind her reading the magazine) Why is that girl peeing in a bucket?  

Hermione Granger: Ron thats a boy. (Ron spits out his drink)

Ron Weasley: To think I was going to call the fellow an attractive doll. 

Hermione Granger: Muggles and their weird habits. ( Pause, she notices Ron does not move from behind he, she rolls her eyes and proceeds to gets up )

Ron Weasley: Hermione come on, you can’t possibly stay mad at me forever.

Hermione Granger: See thats where you’re wrong Ron, I can and will stay mad at you forever. I’m going out for a coffee, I’ll be back to talk about the plan.

(Hermione Granger exits, as Harry Potter enters from the other side of the stage.) 

Harry Potter: (In a robe with unkept hair and one sock on) What is with all the ruckus down here.

Ron Weasley: Hermione went out for coffee, I guess you could say she’s giving me the silent treatment.

Harry Potter: Ron, I herd her talking to you from the other room. 

Ron Weasley: Yes, but she didn’t talk much, not even argue, she just walked away.

Harry Potter: She’s clearly sick.

Ron Weasley: Clearly.

Harry Potter: Did she say what time she would be back?

Ron Weasley: No, she just tol-

(Hermione Enters)

Hermione Granger: Forget it! This stupid bloody muggle world and their in ability to get a simple Starbucks order down baffles me to this day. 

Ron Weasley: Well what did you order?

Hermione Granger: A carmel frappuccino with three drops of tiger lily stem juice and a pinch of ashwinder eggs, the girl at the counter looked at me as If I was some three headed dog or something. 

Harry Potter: Hermione, this is New York! No one here is going to have that, everyone is going to think you’re crazy if you give them an order like that. Remember they're muggles, we need to act like muggles if were going to survive the next few days.

Hermione Granger: My mistake. Okay. Muggles. What do muggles do.

Ron Weasley: Talk to the people they love.

Hermione Granger: Listen Ron, the faster you get over this, the better for all of us alright.

Ron Weasley: A Muggle would of forgave me.

Hermione Granger: That’s cause muggles are stupid!

Harry Potter: (Stands up), well I’m going to gab something for all of us while you guys work your things out.

Hermione Granger: (Completely ignoring Harry Potter)  Listen to me you bloody idiot, if I have to go this entire trip with you constantly throwing little sob comments at me, I’m going to go insane. 

Ron Weasley: So what would you like me to do, stop trying?

Harry Potter: Alright I’ll just go. (Exits)

Hermione Granger: Thats exactly what I want you to do.

Ron Weasley: Why do you always push me away!

Hermione Granger: Why do you always make me want to push you away! 

Ron Weasley: You’re being ridiculous!

Hermione Granger: and you’re being a moronic idiot! 

Ron Weasley: Why do you always treat me like garbage?

Hermione Granger: Garbage! Garbage! You’re the one who decided it would be perfectly fine to leave me alone and stay at Hogwarts after I had been expelled for something I didn’t do and you know that!

Ron Weasley: Hermione, you know my mom doesn’t want me missing anymore school, especially since this is the only time something apocalyptic isn’t happening. 

Hermione Granger: Our relationship is heading off a cliff! I think thats rather apocalyptic don’t you. (Ron doesn’t answer) DONT YOU! 

Ron Weasley: Priorities Hermione, school is a priority!

Hermione Granger: So I’m not a priority!

Ron Weasley: I never said that!

Hermione Granger: Well you sure as hell meant it!

Ron Weasley: You’re twisting my words around!

Hermione Granger: That’s a stupid muggle saying, If there wasn’t anything to twist we wouldn’t have this argument, clearly you’re saying I’m not important! (As the lines are said Hermione backs up into the door) 

Ron Weasley: Hermione, come on don’t leave!

Hermione Granger: No Ron, I’m done (She turns to exit and slams into Harry entering with donuts, the donuts slam into Hermione)

Harry Potter: I- I- I didn’t see you coming.

Hermione Granger: (Pause, looks down) Idiots, you’re all Idiots! (Exits)

(Pause)

Ron Weasley: Nice going Harry!

Harry Potter: Me! You’re the one that made her go completely ballistic! 

Ron Weasley: She was perfectly fine till you came in and spilled breakfast all over her. 

Harry Potter: Who are you trying to kid, you could hear Hermione screaming from outside. 

Ron Weasley: Alright, you got me. (Pause) So any new ideas on how you’re going to get back into Hogwarts.

Harry Potter: I’ve had a few idea’s here and there, maybe slay another dragon, kill a serpent, or a horde of spiders.

Ron Weasley: Spiders. (Said as if he is terrified)  

(Hermione Enters, she is at a potion shop)

Hermione Granger: Love potion please. Yes I know the side effects, Yes, I understand it’s banned from Hogwarts, I’m not currently enrolled. No! I’m not expelled, my parents just wanted me to take a break, thats all. Alright thank you, here’s you’re Gallon, keep the tip.

(Hermione Exits) 

Harry Potter: Yes Ron, Spiders. You really need to get over that fear of yours.

Ron Weasley: Yeah well-

(Ginny Weasley Enters)

Ron Weasley: Ginny! What are you doing here.

Ginny Weasley: I wanted to see Harry.(Awkwardly) Hey, Harry. 

Harry Potter: Hey Ginny.

(Ginny waves and stumbles over the chair leg in front of her, Harry runs over)

Harry Potter:  Are you okay Ginny?

Ginny Weasley: Now I am… (Goes into a lovey dovey gaze) 

Ron Weasley: Well this is awkward

Ginny Weasley: Oh shut up Ron!

(Hermione enters with a tray of three Starbucks drinks while saying)

Hermione Granger: Yeah Ron, shut up! Oh, Hi Ginny.

Ginny Granger: Hey… I see you don’t have a drink for me, It’s fine, I’ll run over and grab myself one quickly. (She exits)

Hermione Granger: Here Ron this is for you, (She thrust the drink at Ron)

Ron Weasley: Thanks…

Hermione Granger: And this one’s mine (She places it on the table) and this one is your’s Harry.

Harry Potter: Thanks! (He takes a sip, Hermione watches him) Wow! It’s super sweet.

Hermione Granger: Yeah, It’s the new sweetener they put in the drinks.

Harry Potter: Makes sense.

Ron Wesley: I don’t taste it.

Hermione Granger: That’s because you don’t get it.

Ron Weasley: Why?

Hermione Granger: Because I hate you.

(Harry Potter walks towards the cupboard and pulls out a map and spread its over the table)

Harry Potter: Okay so as I was packing my suitcase when I left, I grabbed the Marauder’s Map. Recently the room of requirement has been quite vacant. So we can sneak into Hogwarts using the cloaking enchantment, and-  (Theres a pause, Harry looks confused). Hermione… did I tell you how wonderful you look today.

Hermione Granger: (smirks) Oh , why (Exaggerated) thank you Harry. You look rather dashing yourself. 

Harry Potter: Thanks Hermione. (He drops the Map, and walks towards Hermione) you are just …. so hot .

Ron Weasley: Harry, that’s my girlfriend. (He grabs Harry Potter by the arm) Were having a talk, NOW! (Both Exit)

Hermione Granger: (To Audience) Don’t you just love when you’re one diabolical plan goes exactly how you want it too! Though i don’t promote evil, having an evil plan here or there didn’t hurt anybody. I should probably play hard to get, that help make it more realistic. Now how to get Ron to realize he is an idiot, well that plan is quite extensive you see, I co- (Hermione Granger here’s a noise offstage, she drawers her wand) Who’s there! (There is no response, then Hermione stumbles back and launches a spell offstage) “impedimenta’ (there is a pause) Gi- Oh no, I’m coming, I’m so sorry. (She says as she walks offstage, Hermione and Ginny re-enter, Ginny is tied up with rope, and has duct Tape over her mouth, she hops on with Hermione. She rips off the tape on Ginny’s mouth) 

Ginny Weasley: OW!

Hermione Granger: Terribly sorry about that, I thought you might of been a Dementor or worse Ron.

Ginny Weasley: You and my brother are having relationship problems again?

 

(Starts to untie Ginny Weasley)

Hermione Granger: Yep.

Ginny Weasley: What he do this time?

Hermione Granger: Just everything … You know boys.

Ginny Weasley: No … I don’t actually. (awkward moment) 

Hermione Granger: (Awkwardly walks over to the map) So it currently seems to be quite dead at Hogwarts, If we were able to get into the dormitories unseen we could try to sneak into Dumbledore’s office and talk him into reconsidering. 

Ginny Weasley: Where was he when you guys first got expelled?

Hermione Granger: Dominican, He told everyone he had some magical business to sort out, but we all know he was sick of that spray tan spell and wanted something more natural

Ginny Weasley: Thats rather … Odd.

Hermione Granger: Let’s go Ginny, we’ll leave tonight without the boys!

Ginny Weasley: Are you sure thats a smart decision?

Hermione Granger: Smart is my middle and last name!

Ginny Weasley: I thought it was Grang-

Hermione Granger: We have no time for this stupidity ( She shoves Ginny offstage with herself)  

(Ron Weasley Enters and Harry Follows)

Ron Weasley: What the bloody hell is wrong with you Harry.

Harry Potter: Oh her eyes, her beautiful eyes Ron.

Ron Weasley: Harry! That’s my girlfriend.

Harry Potter: You’re so lucky Ron, oh if I had the chance, Id be in a bed wit-

Ron Weasley: HARRY!

Harry Potter: Whatttttttt…….

Ron Weasley: (pauses, thinking) Let me smell your breath.

Harry Potter: Why?

Ron Weasley: Just let me smell your breath!

Harry Potter: I don-

(Ron Weasley grabs him by the collar and shoves him against the wall)

Ron Weasley: NOW!

Harry Potter: Okay okay.

(Ron smells his breath)

Ron Weasley: Oh hell.

Harry Potter: What …

Ron Weasley: Love potion. Oh when I see Hermione I am going to give her a piece of my mind. 

Harry Potter: It’s not so bad Ron, so what if I’m in love with your ex girlfriend, thats what friends are for, to ruin your life day by day. 

Ron Weasley: (He looks at Harry with utter disproval) Im going to find Hermione. 

(Ron Weasley Exits)

Harry Potter: Oh Hermione, I love the way her name rings in the air. Oh Hermione, Hermione, Oh lovely Hermione- (As he walks offstage)

(Harry Exits)

Ron Weasley: SHUT UP HARRY! (offstage) 

(Enter Ginny and Hermione) 

Ginny Weasley: (As she walks towards and sits on the bed) What do you know about boys Hermione.

Hermione Granger: That there dumb twits who don’t understand a single thing about the female mind.

Ginny Weasley: Do you think he’ll notice me?

Hermione Granger: I don’t know Ginny… 

Ginny Weasley: Help Me? You get all the boys Hermione.

Hermione Granger: All the boys. I find that utterly hilarious, Ron is a dime in not a single dozen.

Ginny Weasley: Please Hermione.

Hermione Granger: Fine. I’ll fix you up. (she gets up and walks towards the chair, she motions to the chair) Come sit.

Ginny Weasley: (Sits) So what’s the plan

Hermione Granger: Well lets see what were working with here. Your hair is stale, practically fryer then the sahara dessert . Your nail beds suck, you could use a new wardrobe, a lip liner, eye liner, and some type of fake lashes cause your mascara is doing absolutely nothing for you. (She sighs) This is going to be a ton of work. (She grabs at Ginny Weasley’s thighs) Running, do it. Your b***s need some work too.

Ginny Weasley: You think? I thought they were pretty perky

Hermione Granger: Perky or not they're small, if we just pushed them up with a good bra (She pushes Ginny’s b***s up) they would (Harry Potter and Ron Weasley Enter) look amazing!

Ron Weasley: What is going on here…. Hermione-

Hermione Granger: Its not what it looks like! (she throws her hands up knocking ginny backwards off the chair)

Ginny Weasley: Owwwwww!

Ron Weasley: Listen Hermione, I know you put a love potion in Harry’s drink

Hermione Granger: WHAT MAKES YOU ASSUME THAT!?

Harry Potter: Ron she’s so beautiful

Ron Weasley: See.

Hermione Granger: So what if I gave him some love potion, its not that big of a deal. 

Ron Weasley: How are we going to fix this Hermione.

Hermione Granger: I don’t know Ron, can we just go to bed it’s late 

Ron Weasley: Alright, Harry is coming with me.

Ginny Weasley: Can I come with you guys!?

Ron Weasley: No Ginny! You’re sleeping with Hermione.

Ginny Weasley: You’re so boring!

(Ron and Harry Exit)

Hermione Granger: Little forward don’t you think Ginny.

Ginny Weasley: Coming from you miss love potion Granger. 

Hermione Granger: Listen-

Ginny Weasley: You’re a fake, a fraud. I knew my b***s were perky, you just lied to make me feel bad about myself.

Hermione Granger: That’s an absurd accusation.

Ginny Weasley: And whys that?

Hermione Granger: Because, you literally look like a flat wooden board when you turn sideways. 

Ginny Weasley: (Mouth Drops) Im going to bed.

Hermione Granger: Well Goodnight, maybe you’ll grow some b***s whi-

Ginny Weasley: Thats it, I’m sleeping in the east dormitory. 

(Ginny Exits as Hermione falls asleep)

(Pause)

(Harry enters in sleeping attire and goes to lay beside Hermione)

Hermione Granger: (In her sleep) Oh,Victor Krum I told you not to come bother me in my quarters at this time.

(Harry Snuggles into Hermione more)

Hermione Granger: Victor Krum come on, we can’t do this now if you are see- (hermione is turning over at this point she is Interrupted by noticing harry she screams and falls off the side of the bed.) Harry what the blood hell are you doing here.

Harry Potter: I was dreaming about you Hermione, I wanted to come see you. Hermione please come out with me too see the moon, so I can show you something as beautiful as you.

Hermione Granger: (Hermione starts laughing) You sound absolutely pathetic. 

Harry Potter: I herd pathetic is the new sexy.

Hermione Granger: Harry you need to go to bed.

Harry Potter: Only if it’s with you.

Hermione Granger: Harry come on, just go to bed we can talk about us tom-

Harry Potter: Us, oh how i love the idea of us even your thinking about it, (he presses hermione against the wall) We could go to the movies, ride on our brooms into the sunset. It would be a wonderful time.

Hermione Granger: Harry Potter unhand me at once.

(Ron enters) 

Ron Weasley: Harry i found the antidote. (He runs over to Hermione) Harry let go of Hermione! Harry, (he forces the cure down Harry’s throat)

Harry Potter: (Coming to his senses) Im so sorry Hermione.

Hermione Granger: It’s fine; it’s my fault really. 

Ron Weasley: Let’s just go Harry, goodnight Hermione.

Hermione Granger: Night Ron.

(Ron Weasley and Harry Potter Exit, Hermione goes to bed) 

(Ginny Enters in a panik)

Ginny Weasley: (Shaking Hermione) Get up! Get up!

Hermione Granger: What What!

Ginny Weasley: Get down, they're checking rooms and if they see us were finished!

(They Hide on the floor behind the bed)

(Harry Potter and Ron Weasley Enter)

Harry Potter:  Where are they?

Ron Weasley: I have no-

(They pop up from behind bed, Harry screams and jumps into Rons arms)

Ginny Weasley: Babies

(Harry regains his composure)

Harry Potter: We want to go to Dumbldore’s office today, and talk about our re instatement. 

Hermione Granger: Alright, Let me and Ginny Grab our stuff we will meet you in the corridor.

(They Get ready and grab a few things out of the room) 

(Harry Potter and Ron Weasley enter)

Harry Potter: This is Dumbldore’s office; (Pause) Are ready to beg for my forgiveness? 

Ron Weasley: Ready as I’ll ever be.

(they walk towards the door and notice a hanging note. Ron Weasley grabs it)

Harry Potter: What does it say?

Ron Weasley: Currently in Dominican Republic will be back in three weeks, any inquires should be forwarded to professor McGonagall. Thank You and sorry for any inconveniences, Dumbledore. 

Harry Potter: Seriously. Great, were screwed. 

Ron Weasley: Don’t worry Harry we can find a way out of this somehow.

Harry Potter: No we can’t! Expulsions becomes completely permanent after 2 weeks! Without any debate or allowance of an appeal to Hogwarts. (Pause) Were gone Ron! Hermione and I are gone!

Ron Weasley: No way there must be something we can do a loop hole. Hermione must know.

(Hermione and Ginny enter)

Hermione Granger: Must know what? How my intellectuality soars higher then both of your Hero ego’s put together? 

Ron Weasley: No, Hermione. A way to find a loop hole out of the two week expulsion permanence clause. 

Hermione Granger: Oh of course I know a loop hole out of that!

Harry Potter: GREAT! What is it?

Hermione Granger: Don’t get expelled.

Harry Potter: That’s not funny.

Hermione Granger: I thought it was rather hilarious don’t you think Ginny.

Ginny Weasley: Yeah, I defiantly have to agree with Hermione on this one.

Harry Potter: This isn’t a time for jokes hermione!

Hermione Granger: Harry! Get over it! It’s out of our hands, were going to just have to sit and wait till Dumbledore gets back and learns about our expulsion. For now lets just go home and figure out how were going to survive the next few weeks without breaking any rules, that would end up getting our wands snapped.

(Harry Potter Nods and whimpers offstage in Ron Weasley’s arms)

Hermione Granger: (To Ginny) Boys can be such bloody babies. Lets get back to the room. Grab the curtain Ginny, I want some daylight in here! Before the two babies fall into depression. 

Lets go, up you two, I want everyone paying attention and listening to me! This is a class on muggles, now before you complain, if were going to survive two weeks without exposing magic to the muggle world we need to learn to blend in! (Hermione walks towards the chalk board.)

Hermione Granger: (Cont;) Muggle , M.U.G.G.L.E. A non magical being who has absolutely no idea about the wizarding world. Now to be a muggle you must in short be utterly stupid. Reject the thought of anything exciting like magic and stick to the old saying “prove it with science.” Naive, thats what muggles are. Now, would anyone like to bring up things they have personally experienced with muggles?

(Ron Weasley’s hand shoots up)

Hermione Granger: Yes Ron.

(Ron Weasley stands up)

Ron Weasley: Muggles like do this thing, I think its called shuffling (He tries to demonstrate but fails)

Harry Potter: It looks more like like a leg seizure.

Hermione Granger: This is correct I think the song “Party Rock” if I remember started this odd trend. Oh American’s and there culture. Anything else. 

(Ginny Weasley’s hand shoots straight into the air)

Ginny Weasley: The way they dress!

Hermione Granger: I know just what you mean! (She runs to the back dresser and pulls out two outfits) Here put these on (she hands it to Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter) and come out after your both done changing.. 

(Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley exit)

Ron Weasley: Listen Hermione we need to talk.

Hermione Granger: Talk! About what? How my own boyfriend failed to protect me and stand up for me when i needed him.

 Ron Weasley: You know it wasn’t that easy, there were a lot of other things involved!

Hermione Granger: LIKE WHAT!

Ron Weasley: Like the fact that if I intervened i could possibly would me up expelled.

Hermione Granger: Save it for someone who cares Ron.

Ron Weasley: you’re not looking at the big picture I’m here now! (He walks towards Hermione)

come on, you know I’d do anything for you.

Hermione Granger: Oh really, well I guess anything doesn’t include saving your girlfriend from expulsion.

Ron Weasley: I’m SORRY! Okay Hermione I’m sorry! I don’t know what else to say.

Hermione Granger: (Pause) Fine, we will work it out when we have the time, for now lets just be civil.

(Ginny and Harry Re enter in muggle clothing)

Hermione Granger: there you are, alright stand at the front of the room so we can explain each piece of clothing. 

Hermione Granger: (cont.) Alright so as you can see Ginny is wearing a cute preppy top, with a high collar, very trendy! As you go down the outfit, seems to change drastically. A tied plaid shirt takes Ginny’s cute preppy look to a super edgy grunge look. Also super trendy. In my opinion this common outfit is an utter catastrophe to fashion. Why would you ever pair a grungy looking bottom with a super preppy top. American fashion, terrible. Now we will move on to Harry. As you can see Harry is supporting absolutely no belt! Yes wearing your pants as if they are about to hit the ground at any given moment is the “cool” thing to do. Also oversized shoes that make you look like your feet are size 17 make you seem extremely tough and manly. Harry is also wearing an oversized tank top to show off his untoned arms, and barely noticeable biceps. A pair of oversized douchebag sunglasses completes this utterly horrid look. I all this look, the try hard of trying to hard. 

Ron Weasley: Seems rather accurate from what I see on American television. 

(Both Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley take a seat)

Harry Potter: I got one! Muggles don’t use magic! Obvious but I think that might be a bit hard for us to get use to. 

Hermione Granger: Alright I’ll give you each a scenario and you tell me how you would respond. Lets start with Ginny. Alright, your on a date and a boy you like walks in, you look utterly terrible and there is only one exit, which is also the entrance where he is standing. What do you do?

Ginny: I go to the washroom, pull out my wand and cast a few spells to make myself presentable.

Hermione Granger: Wrong! No magic Ginny! What would a muggle do?

Ginny Weasley: (Pauses) Oh i got it! They would duck under the table wait for him to be seated, scope out his view. then create a distraction like tripping a waiter and making a run for it when possible. 

Hermione Granger: Exactly! Muggle’s are stupid meaning, running is always the best option. Never face your fears head on! Always go for the easy way out! Alright Harry, your turn. You are faced with a large blockade and there is no turning back, what do you do?

Harry Potter: Well I would draw my wand an-

Hermione Granger: Harry, your a muggle

Harry Potter: Oh yeah, well then I would….. i would sit on the ground and wallow till someone saved me because I am unable to do anything on my own, due to being a muggle. 

Hermione Granger: That’s a great answer! It really shows how utterly hopeless muggles can be at times, and how when faced with the opportunity to be great, they tend to fall extremely short.  Alright Ron, you’re last, what would you do if your significant other was about to be hit by a car.

Ron Weasley: I would leap into oncoming traffic and push my significant other out of the way causing me to be hit by the car, thus killing me, but saving the one person I love.

Hermione Granger: that was an utterly perfect answer Ron, showing how muggles value love or life, and do not understand life’s true value. Brilliant Ron.

Ginny Weasley: So do you think we’re muggle world ready?

Hermione Granger: Absolutely not. We still need to talk about one more thing, (pause) well actually I have a better Idea. (She walks up to Ginny and whispers in her ear, Ginny Nods) Ginny and I will demonstrate typical girl on girl interaction, so your not surprised by anything. 

Hermione Granger: (cont.) Hey

Ginny Weasley: Hey s**t

Hermione Granger: I’m a s**t, coming from you miss w***e couture.

Ginny Weasley: At least I can get guys, unlike your fat a*s self

Hermione Granger: You're a fat a*s, your a fat a*s s**t

Ginny Weasley: Well so are you , you s****y fat a*s.

(They both start laughing)

Hermione Granger: You’re the best. Friends for like ever.

(they hug and start laughing obnoxiously)

Harry Potter: So they say absolutely horrid things to each other for fun? As if it’s a joke?

Hermione Granger: Exactly, muggles don’t care about each others feelings, and they take things extremely lightly. Alright I’m going to get changed into my muggle outfit and we will take this experiment into the public.

(Hermione Granger exits)

Ron Weasley: I’m going to go grab a few things for my outfit, so I’ll meet you guys out there. 

(Ron Weasley Exits)

(Ginny Weasley Scoots her chair extremely close to Harry Potter)

Ginny Weasley: Hey Harry.

Harry Potter: Hi Ginny, whats up?

Ginny Weasley: Nothing, just thinking about stuff.

Harry Potter: What kind of stuff.

Ginny Weasley: Well remember that time you came over and I ran up the stairs because I was so super nervous and shy whenever you came by. (Laughs) I’m so glad I'm over that stage, now I’m never nervous around you I can just talk away without being worried or having to worry about teeing worried about worrying you with all my worrying. (laughs) I think it’s so funny how nervous you made my, my palms use to sweat like crazy, and whenever you looked at me my heart raced. Look how far I’ve come, able to tell you all these embarrassing things without a single care to the world. (Laughs awkwardly)

Harry Potter: Are you okay Ginny?

Ginny Weasley: Yeah I’m great, are you hot? Cause I’m boiling, I think we need to turn on the A.C in here, oh how embarrassing this. Heat stroke, is that a thing, does that really happen to people? What are the symptoms, dizziness, nausea, the need to fai- (Ginny Weasley faints)

Harry Potter: (Runs over) Ginny! (He looks around desperately then pulls out is wand, he grunts) I’m a muggle as a muggle no magic, what would a muggle do. (He runs over and grabs the Starbucks drink filled with water, he throws the water on her to wake her up)

Ginny Weasley: (jolts up, Pause) This is so embarrassing. (she hides herself in her hands.)

Harry Potter: (grabs a towel; while cleaning up the water) Its fine Ginny, it happens. (Ginny also gabs a towel and helps out Harry) Thanks (They look up at each other and are about to kiss, then Hermione Granger bursts in)

Hermione Granger: Im all ready, are you- Oh, well sorry for interrupting! 

Ginny Weasley: It isn’t what it looks like (getting up embarrassed) well it is, but you ruined it…

Hermione Granger: Well can you two blooming love roses get up so we can go out.

(Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley all exit, Ron Enters)

Ron Weasley: Paper! Does anyone have the paper! Bloody muggles, thinking they can do whatever they bloody want , you know if I wasn’t a wizard in muggle training, oh the things I’d do! HEY YOU THERE! Get me the bloody paper please! What does it take to get a damn paper around here. 

(Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley enter)

Hermione Granger: Ron what are you doing?

Ron Weasley: Trying to act like a muggle is all!

Hermione Granger: Oh.

Ginny Weasley: Alright, lets do this.

Ginny Weasley: Please someone carry my bags, as I am unable to do it for myself due to being completely incompetent. (She looks around) Anyone, anyone. A young fellow perhaps, I’ll throw in a cute kiss on the cheek cause clearly that is the only way to get something done around here. 

 

(Harry runs over and grabs the bag)

Ginny Weasley: Oh Harry. (She leans in to kiss him)

Ron Weasley: (Grabbing Harry Potter by the ear) Not with my sister you don’t

Ginny Weasley: RON! Why wont you let me grow up!

Ron Weasley: You can grow up when I’m dead or you're 60. 

Ginny Weasley: You're so unfair

Hermione Granger: Let me have a go at this muggle life.

Hermione Granger: (Cont.) Hello world, I am an overprivileged muggle who think I deserve the world and more,(she reaches into her bag) Littering, its a thing of the past! It’s cool now, it really says I’m a badass and I don’t care about anyone or myself. SO WHAT if global warming kills us! At least we will have golden brown tans! 

Harry Potter: That was really good!

Hermione Granger: Well i did achieve a high 90 in muggle world studies.

Ron Weasley: I’m over this over crowded city. 

Hermione Granger: We need to stay Ron, we need to learn how to blend in!

Ron Weasley: Can’t you see Hermione! EVERYONE IS STARING AT US!

(Hermione looks at the audience)

Hermione Granger: Yeah they really are….

Harry Potter: Let’s just go back the room… regroup, maybe try a different game plan. 

(Harry Potter grabs Ginny Weasley’s hand, she giggles, Ron groans and takes Hermione Granger’s Hand, she laughs and rips her hand away, they all exit)

(Hermione enters followed by Ron Weasley, Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley)

Hermione Granger: We could always find a spell that allows us to make all the teachers at Hogwarts to forget the incident ever happened.

Harry Potter: Don’t you think thats a little extreme.

Ginny Weasley: Come on Harry, be a daredevil, you're always so super hot when you play the Hero.

Ron Weasley: Im going to the bathroom

Hermione Granger: Why?

Ron Weasley: To vomit.

(Ron exits)

Hermione Granger: Well what are we going to do harry! Theres no way we can just waltz into Hogwarts expecting them to take us back. 

Ron Weasley: (offstage) Can you order us some pizza!

Ginny Weasley: Its rather rude to call out from the toilet Ron!

Ron Weasley: (offstage) It’s rather rude to hit on your brothers best friend isn’t it, let alone right in front of your brother!

Hermione Granger: I’ll go order that pizza. (She picks up the phone)

Ginny Weasley: Listen Ron! You need to let me grow up! I’m a woman not a little girl anymore!

(Ron Weasley enters with his pants at his ankles)

Ron Weasley: Bloody hell your a woman when I say you are!

Harry Potter: RON PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

Hermione Granger: GUYS!

(Pause)

Hermione Granger: There’s a message from Hogwarts on the voicemail. (She picks the phone up to her ear)  

Harry Potter: WHAT! WHAT IS IT!

Hermione Granger: Theres been a mistake…. due to …. seriously. (Hermione starts dying of laughter)

Harry Potter: WHAT!

Hermione Granger: McGonagall, took her saturday pill on friday causing her to create a strange reaction. She ended up expelling half of the fifth year students!

Ginny Weasley: That explains why Draco got expelled for breathing to heavily in transfigurations class. 

Hermione Granger: So that means were back into Hogwarts. 

(Harry Potter starts crying)

Ginny Weasley: Harry! Why are you crying?

Harry Potter: I’m just so happy…

Ron Weasley: So we did all of those embarrassing muggle things for no reason at all.

Hermione Granger: Seems like it.

Ron Weasley: Bloody Hell and we call muggles the stupid ones.

Hermione Granger: Quite an oxymoron isn’t it.  (laughs) Oxymoron … moron … reminds me of you.

Ron Weasley: Hermione why are we still fighting. 

Hermione Granger: Because you’re still a moronic idiot! (Hermione Granger exits)

Ron Weasley: Hermione! Babe, Baby girl, love, darling, sweetheart. (Ron Weasley follows)

Ginny Weasley: So not that were alone….

Harry Potter: Ginny! Come on you’re brothers in the other room.

Ginny Weasley: So! (she grabs his shirt) You know i like a daredevil, Hero.

Harry Potter: Well (pause) I am there Hero type.

(Ron Weasley enters) 

Ron Weasley: (Grabbing Harry Potters ear and dragging him offstage) The only Hero you will need is for yourself after I'm done kicking your butt to the next tri wizard tournament. 

(Ginny Is left alone onstage)

Ginny Weasley: (walks over to bookshelf and grabs book) “Wizardry for Dummies, 4th Edition: Living in a Muggle World.” They really need a guide book on how to live in the Wizardry world. (she draws her wand out)

Hermione Granger: (offstage) Ginny! Can you turn off the light, were going to get the Ron’s Car to get us over to Hogwarts, don’t worry about the luggage, I’ll handle it tomorrow. 

Ginny Weasley: Yeah no worries! I’ll be out in a minute! (She grabs a few things and walks towards the door then stops) (she draws out her wand) Oh to be a muggle, how nice it must be. (she sighs) “Lumous” 

Blackout

Author's Note

ignore spelling, grammer ect.

Reviews

[Valkyrie Warrior]

This is a very good stage play and I would totally love to play Hermione.