Part I, Creation

I. In the beginning Men created Reason
And this Reason was without form,
And Men said: let it dominate the Earth
Let it have its dictate over each season
And let Reason be the leading norm;
And Men saw that it was good.

And on these youth days of Reason's coronation,
It started to take its ultimate form:
‘Twas but the promised song of salvation,
Mellowing Men's heart - a heart of storms.
And all other songs were songs of dread,
For Fear seized the substance of Reason.

And Men gave Reason a multitude of ways;
And Reason took unto Men's role,
And Reason dethroned the reason of Men
Conquered, the reason of Men faded:
Worshiping Reason ever since;
And since, Men leans heavily unto this Reason.

Reviews

[Elise Anton]

"Mellowing Men's heart - a heart of storms." Man's heart/Men's hearts????

"Conquered, the reason of Men fade: (faded)??????
Worshiping Reason ever since;
And since, Men leans heavily unto this Reason." (lean/leaned)????

(I am assuming you are referring to 'humanity' or 'mankind' here)???

[Érenn]

Okay when I review I will give my analysis part by part first. Each chapter will have a review like this. And once I am done with the whole saga I will also post a review on the start of the book. Now Part-1: here.

I like the rhythm and flow maintained throughout the entire poem. I felt there is tonal variation between each verse presented here. I can see you haven't forced any rhymes as such. Which is a good thing. I guess this is what you would call blank verse where the meter is maintained? Some good alliterations mixed here.

The archaic style of writing doesn't bother me in fact it's a style I like to read, have read many scriptures like that in the past. Now I know it's a saga and I am sure maybe it's present later., but I wished to see a little more ambience created in your write, since this is your first you are trying to invite the writer to read the whole thing. For me here you have stated things well (maybe leaving one or two errors will point that out shortly) but does it make want to read the next part? Since I read things till the end it wouldn't bother me, but I have this feeling you need to pose a question of sorts in your first part when you are ending the tale. Because even if this is about creation as you stated above, but one could just think this as a stand alone piece with no real intrigue created as to why this creation could become an abomination? But that is just my view, maybe others wouldn't feel that way. But my suggestion: Always try to keep the reader intrigued and wanting to read the next part.

Some mild humor for me present here, so i like that as well.
I like the fact that you have used Men and not Man creating Reason here. But since you have done that this error I noticed should be taken into consideration : "And since, Men leans heavily unto this Reason." grammatically speaking it should be 'lean' and not 'leans' .

That's for this part I will read the other parts in time and state my views on it as well ^^ All in all I like what you have stated here and I will love to see where this is heading towards ^^

[Stefano Segnan]

First of all, thank you for the extensive review. I shall try to explain why things are as they are:
It is not blank verse because there is no constant metre, and this is not intended as poetry but rather prose-poetry with occasional rhythmic elements. Don't know how much you are familiar with the Old Testament, but most of the style is taken from there, but tempered with personal touch of course. I don't know if I wrote it somewhere (I think I did) but it's a satire.
Ending with a question you say or more ambience? Well, as aforementioned, the Old Testament does not progress its story on questions, and the Genesis for example could also be a standalone, but it isn't. So I am not quite sure what your suggestion is on keeping the reader interested. Could you expand more on this point?
Men is a proper noun, or a proper name if you will, hence the capital letter. It just like "Stefano leans heavily unto this Reason".

[Érenn]

No I think what you state makes a lot of sense. It did feel as if you were inspired by the Bible and yes if I consider that in mind then you will obviously not pose a question. Ok now about the part where you could keep the readers interested. Show the reason of Reason being introduced here. Like how God created the world in 7 days. The description there is quite vivid. Now this won't invoke too much imagery. So i would suggest maybe show an example as to why reason came around in the first place?? You know take the simplest or the most complicated. Maybe show why Men wanted reason. If you already have chapter on it, then I'd suggest give a peek of it here.

Although I believe you might base your next argument on the lines that there was never really any reason presented as to why God created what he created at the start of it all. But maybe here that could be your twist to the tale?

Adding One more verse here is all I suggest. Since the first verse talked about how Men found reason good. Maybe explain in this new verse of what life was without Reason. Since the other two verses do justice on how reason roamed about and what followed next. That is how I think you might create a little more ambience and make the reader understand why Reason's reason of existence came to be. And why this tale is being narrated to begin with. Hope this helps ^^ I am already thinking of some other way to invoke interest here which does not deviate from the style as well. ^^ I will keep you posted on the other idea if I get one. ^^

[Érenn]

Oh yeah just one other thing though, what's Phobos here? I know it being a moon,and i also know Phobos carries the meaning of the Greek God of Fear. That was what made me curious to read. Maybe a line on Phobos here. Since I thought that could be the reason Reason exists. Since man cannot handle fear alone?or is this about giving reason to Fear's existence itself? Questions like this did pop up in my mind, so that can make me curious enough. But then I wonder how many out there know this?? How would you entice those readers who have no prior knowledge on any of this?

[Stefano Segnan]

The things you say have been pointed out by Shalou as well in his review, and I did consider in adding one more stanza to each part or add one or two more verses to each stanza to expand on why Men created Reason. But I wanted to hear other opinion as well. Thanks for the clarifications.

There is a line to indicate the involvement of phobia, or fear. It's "For Fear seized the substance of Reason.". As to why the title is Phobos, you will find out as the tale progresses.

[Érenn]

Yeah I figured you would say that for the title being titled Phobos XD But it is interesting and I will read the next parts and share my view like this. I did not read what Shalou mentioned but I know he gave an extensive review as well. Hope what I pointed out here is actually helpful and not some spewed out nonsense ^^'

[Stefano Segnan]

Of course it is helpful. It made me realise I should expand it a little more. As I mentioned, it's a concept I wrote a long time ago, and when I was rereading it a while back, I thought it was good. But before I continued I wanted to know what people think.