To the man who made me a part of this world

A small taste of the childhood of a broken survivor ~

Where do I begin. Growing up on calla you were so stern and strong. You had your own powers that made you the employer, employee, father, and husband that you have become over the years. You have always taken care of the things that you love. You have always put us kids first. You have always made sure our critters had dinner... even if you didn't.  I know you don't think very highly of the man that stares back in your reflection, but I do. That man has experienced all aspects of life. From the wealth of self financial stability and a middle class to potential upper class kind of lifestyle to the depression and downs of losing everything short of your life. Which I can probably take the wrap for and I could never imagine this life without you. That's why I've always stuck by you. Even in our bad times where everyone else, we'll basically katie and mom, believed I shouldn't forgive you because it was gunna happen again. I did Everytime. When I did forgive you, I look back and realize that I forgave you because you are the only dad I will ever have in this life. But if I think about it with a more experienced and intelligent thought process, I believe it was my self concious that always stuck by you. Thick and thin good and bad. But the reason is.... I was why you hadn't ended your life. Not just me but the tiny people you have created with the woman you once loved were still alive and chalk full of emotion. You couldn't do that to us. I could be wrong but who knows, youll never read this anyway. What i do know is when you say we were cut from the same cloth, I have found a deep and true understanding to that statement.  There has always been meaning to it but since I have not only created for myself but I have discovered a meaning that I believe is the closets example you'll you can give to make a stranger understand. We seem to thrive off of the love of others. We have survived self destruction, not because we ourselves have had or have seen potential in ourselves, but because one or more of the people we care about most still need us. I needed you as my dad and you saw that. Katie needed a friend and her sister and I saw that. Suddenly the problems we are or have dealt with aren't so important. These problems don't matter as much as their problems do. I really kind of hate that quality about me but at the same time it's one of my favorite most genuine characteristics. I see you boss man. You're starting to figure out a way to climb out of the hole you're in rather than staring at the edge of your self constructed border hoping the ladder comes. Ypu gotta get through you gotta strt to care again. I still need you. You still need you. F**k your leg. You've always told me most of any battle is a mindset. You are so stuck on the fact that your leg becomes more of a hassle than help and I think thats bullshit. I know I'm not in your shoes and I've tried but I couldn't imagine not being able to wiggle my toes of flex my calf. But I'll tell you this. You have gotten kicked by life way more than I have. I know I'd be depressed in the beginning but goddamn it two years later im gunna walk through Walmart for an hour because I know I can. You are how I learned to keep my head up. Always, any situation, there is another way out. Keep your head up. Grandma hated that me and you were happy in liberty. She hated the fact that she didn't knock you down completely. Right then you taught me that the people who do wrong towards you out of spite or real hatred, will be punished so much more when the reaction they receive from you, in any form, is to not care. Is to follow their wishes only because they don't deserve your argument or it has happened before and would turn into a waste of breath. I've learned from that day no matter how many times I'm knocked off my horse by somebody who simply didn't understand the trail that I was taking, I would never allow it to get under my skin in the long run. I have tried to explain that your the best dad I could I have ever asked for. Through everything I've been through in the life I've been given. I need you to understand for me and to me that even though our past as a family has been rocky, and mine and your past of our father/daughter relationship was not right and it never has been... always remember i have forgiven you. I have always believed that the person to who hurt me and the man who blackes out with bourbon was never really you. I get it now. I gave you the chance to speak and explain the s**t you did, the exact time that mom and katie believed that i should hold a pure hate in my heart for you.. I couldn't hate you. I have tried. But your my best friend. You have been since we started smoking together. I know we have drifted but I will never leave you on a bad note. I know you don't think the father you were but I do. You could have been so much worse or not there at all. But you were. For everything. My basketball games and band concerts to piggy back rides on Halloween so I can get candy with my broken leg and 50 lb cast. You were my hero captain... You are have your demons just like the rest of us. Yours happen to come out before your kids were old enough. I know alot of it is self inflicted but that never stopped you from being a father. You had your fun and got out of control sometimes but you wouldn't be who your are today if you didn't. No matter how much you think you have failed or how low you can make yourself  believe you are as a father or even man in general just remember in the back of your mind that you have come back and are trying to beter yourself. Look, you are not sitting in a petro parking lot tonight. You are not wondering if your children are alive. You are not worried about feeding our critters. You are not worried about tomorrow. To have gone through the literal ups and downs you have faced, you are a strong and independent person. You have created three children who have every potential to be anything we want. You have never had to go see a child being bars. You have never had to admit us to rehab or abort a child. You are the best father I could have been given. Yes there are times I wish we could go back on and fix but oh well. The past is the past, to dwell on something you will never be able to do over is not healthy. Lion King, remember the crazy monkey? Rafiki. "Ahh the past, you either run from it or learn from it." Dwelling on something you can never change is running away from the reality you refuse to accept.  I still love you. I always have and always will. Under any circumstance. I love you captain. Although, I can't lie to you. The rough patch we went through is what drove us apart. It's what tore the threads that remained after our hard heads ripped the others. I hate the fact that I can't talk to you unless I'm high. It was never that way before. I could cry to you sober or smoking a bowl and never hide a single detail. I have tried to be like that again,  And I know it's me who can't be open when I'm not sniffin drugs but I can't help it. The chapter that you crated with us will never go away and it changed me as a person. It sheltered me and the real emotions and feelings I went through and made me different than I would be today. There's three things I would go back and change if I could... the first is stealing from grandma. Not because I felt bad or was punished but now I realize the things I handed over to complete strangers potential was irreplaceable because of it sentimental value. Grandma told me when I apologized that one of the rings I sold was her mother's.  One of the watches I handed to the jeweler belonged to her father. As I have grown up and matured,  I have come to realize that I stole so much more than jewlery from one  of the people in this world who loved and believed in me. I stole and pawned her memories for nothing. If I could go back I'd never steal from grandma. The second is Ant. It still crosses my mind. It still makes me feel uglier,and less of a person when it's on my mind and I pass a reflection. I hate myself for getting so close to someone who I've always known to be bad news. The fact I put my trust in this person because he cared about me. I look back on it grown up and matured and realize he never cared for me. He cared for me to grow up. He cared for me until he looked at me as a women rather than a " sister.". He cared for me until I lost my virginity. Then one day he didn't care anymore. He wanted what I didn't and he had what it took to get me there. He took advantage of the trust not only I, but you and our family, had gained for him and crushed it. The fact that we believed he would keep katie and I safe makes me sick today. I would go back to that time and walk away rather than walk into. And lastly I'd go back to what you did to me. To our father daughter bond. I wasn't as strong as I am today. I never stuck up for myself when I should have but you should have never done or said anything.  Thoughts are something you can't control sometimes but actions and words are caused by you. You probably don't realize it but you changed me. This situation made me fear long term commitments. I believe this because in my head this is how is happeened: the only man that was never supposed to break my heart, did. But he didnt mean it. It happened so oddly, almost like a nightmare but I couldn't wake up. I was in this rock and hard place because you were my best friend, my dad, my whole life. But I hated what you did to me and the way you looked at me and how I felt on a constant basis because there was nothing i could do about it. My heart was breaking as you held it in your hands trying to mend it with the wrong type of love. That situation has also created the fear of becoming a parent. Me and you are so God damn alike. What if I go crazy and my son or daughter isn't as understanding and forgiving as I am. What then. I will never hate you. I have tried to, as much as i hate to admit it. I will never give up on you, even when everyone else has and the world is against you. You will never be alone. You have made you mistakes and you are or have made up for them. That makes you a better father than 30% of dad's out there. You have never left. No matter how easy it could have been to start over. No kids, no wife, and a brand new life. You never took the cowards way out. There's at least 50% of father's you are better than. And lastly, you have created three children who are strong enough, because of the life we have lived, to conquer the world.  You made a hell of a mark on this planet through success and defeat to failure and accomplishments. You are the best dad I could imagine. I love who I am and I wouldn't be her if my life wasn't as chaotic as it was. I thank you bossman for being everything even when you see nothing.

Author's Note

My father was no blue ribbon winner.. but he raised us with morals and integrity. I grew up with riches that no other kids could imagine... I was blessed.

Reviews

[PaintedBirdy]

as a guy i think it is very difficult to see the good we do for others. i know i'm a s****y guy, but i've tried my best. but i don't see any good i've done. nobody has ever written a letter like this to me but i literally got tears in my eyes from reading this. this is a guy, your father, that i can look up to and learn from. i'm sorry for being an alcoholic. but i've tried my best to be good to others. i work and have never felt appreciated either. thank you so much for posting this.

[Planet x]

I hardly ever read any stories here but from the first seconds , I knew I would not stop reading your words... It was so strong and emotional and real

I never judge and of course will never judge you as well , I just loved your writing although my opinion is different , no matter what , ant person that abuse or use others , should no be forgiven.