Things to Say When Hit on By a Creepy Guy

Title says it all.

Now, most people who know me and/or have seen my face and body know damn well I'm really not attractive. Lately (like for the past several years) I've complained about my unattractiveness and how pretty much I'm doomed to a life of chastity (mostly by choice, but still quite a bit from circumstance). However, and as hard as this one is to believe, I've been hit on before. The cases are rare and far in between, but they've left a lasting legacy of disgust and apprehension. Yup, apprehension. There's nothing freakier than a guy who not only is uglier than me (another hard to believe fact, but VERY true) but WON'T for the life of him take a hint when "no means no". So, ladies, if you find yourself in a situation where an undesirable man is making passes at you, here's a list of things to say to defend your honor:

 

1. My parole officer won't let me date for a year.
2. My girlfriend doesn't like me dating guys (lesbians are ok to use this one too)
3. STRANGER!!!
4. (Said by the guy) "So, baby, what are you doing tonight?" "Changing my tampon!"
5. (Said by the guy) "So, baby, what are you doing tonight?" "I'm calling the mental ward tonight to check to see if I really escaped."
6. I have to check myself back into the mental ward tonight.
7. I'm joining the convent tomorrow.
8. Sorry, I have the swine flu.
9. Yeah, but I'm afraid if I go out, the FBI will recognize me.
10. I'm in the witness protection program.
11. I have the attention span of a--OOOH, SHINY THING!!!
12. I can't wait to get out of these clothes either; I haven't showered for DAYS.
13. I'm Christina's coworker. 'Nuff said.
14. Oh, Uncle Dog would love you! Who? Oh, my uncle, Dog the Bounty Hunter!
15. Oh man, you gotta meet my mom, Lorrena Bobbit!
16. (Shake his hand) Nice to meet you--oh, man! Excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick, I can't believe I forgot to wash my hands! (Then run for the bathroom; this is good when you need to physically get away)
17. I was born a man.
18. Well, when the warts get burned off, I can call you!
19. SECURITY!!!
20. (If you know another language, start speaking rapidly in it)
21. Sorry, it's (insert day here--Monday, Tuesday, etc.) and it's back shaving night for my husband.
22. I wish I could, but I need to pick up my kid from his/her 500 hours of community service.
23. Sorry, but I work two jobs, and tonight, it's my turn to muck out the horse stalls.

 

And if all else fails, do the following:

1. Reverse psychology. If he comes onto you wanting you to go on a date and/or one night stand, throw yourself at him (YES, throw yourself) and scream in a psychotic voice, "I LOVE YOU!!! BE WITH ME!!! I'LL ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE THERE, I'LL EVEN WATCH YOU SLEEP AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE BREATHING AND IF YOU'RE NOT BREATHING RIGHT..."  (Keep ranting and raving until you see a freaked out look on his face, and when you see it, tell him what a jerk he is for giving you that look, and stomp off)
2. Tell him what an ugly f*ck he is and that you'd rather throw yourself into a ditch, bloodied and beaten, and then ran over several times before you date him.
3. Walk/run away.

 

After today, I've learned my lesson...I think I'll just stay a virgin.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Thanks to my coworker, Christina for coming up with half of these! It's just a reminder of how little I don't wanna get hit on at work, let alone by the creepy ones...which she seems to draw in like bees to honey.

Reviews

[Drew Wade]

oh, poor kid. this was very entertaining, to say the least. let me see if I can think up any. what have I actually said when a creepy gay guy has hit on me?? (too many times to mention...)

gay man on the bus: excuse me, but are you gay, as I am?
drew: no. sorry, no.

gay man at the gas station (first time): the only reason I'm sulking is because you won't talk to me.
drew: damnit. I thought you hated me. (walks into the cooler to stock the refrigerators.)

gay man at the gas station (second time): you wanna go to Utopia (gay club) tonight?
drew: I'm allergic. (walks into the cooler to stock the refrigerators.)

gay man at bonfire: you should really thinking about starring in gay porn. it pays a lot better than regular porn.
drew: that's interesting. (walks to the other side of the fire.)

gay man playing board games: are you seducing me?
drew: no. no, I wouldn't be doing that.
gay man: you should.
drew: no. no, I shouldn't.

I wish creepy girls would hit on me. I would totally have nothing bad to say to them at all.

[N]

Hilarious! I will definitely be using one of these when someone creepy hits on me.
Thanks for these; they are very helpful.

[Aekmy]

Very very nice. Ha!
I think I'll run away or use the bathroom one. Amazing.

-Madeline

[Taylor H]

this was funny as hell lol. i think i might use a few of these lol