My Obituary

I wrote this when I still had a crush on Chris Kirkpatrick from *NSYNC. I still think it's funny.

 

Dr. Stefanie Kirkpatrick, died from complications of brain asphyxiation last night (most likely from getting an old joke that her even older husband told). She was 93-years-old. She is survived by her children, James Kirkpatrick and Anna (Grace) Kirkpatrick Rider (married July 13^th, 2046) and by six grandchildren, three from each of her own children.

 

Born on July 3^rd, 1986, she was the quietest child born to her parents, who currently were holding down Kirkpatrick’s two and one-year old siblings, carrying on their twin-language. That, however, was not to last. Kirkpatrick would grow to be remembered by most of her friends and classmates as the, “loud chick who won’t shut up about that stupid music group *NSYNC!”

 

When she wasn’t annoying her family, friends, classmates, or really anybody who came across her path, she was a prose writer, determined that her poetic style of writing would bring people’s emotional and spiritual sides back to life from the routine and drudgery of everyday life. It certainly did bring people together as she intended- unbeknownst to Kirkpatrick, however, people were coming together for a global group therapy from her overly transcendentalist philosophies and ideas- something that most people do not grasp and caused a great amount of headaches for most of her readers.

 

“And she wondered why she never got the Nobel Peace Prize,” Justin Timberlake, 98, a close friend of Kirkpatrick’s (the reporter, however, was stood corrected that he only knew Dr. Kirkpatrick because she was married to his best friend and Timberlake’s wife, Michelle, insisted that Kirkpatrick be part of their wedding ceremony). “Yeah, it brought world peace- but they weren’t going to award her for people needing Tylenol day in and out for reading her stuff.”

 

Kirkpatrick entered El Camino College in 2004 after high school graduation. It would be a year later, during her attendance at this school, where she began a romantic relationship with Chris Kirkpatrick (born October 17^th, 1971)- her future husband. When asked about his future bride, Kirkpatrick had this to say: “She loves bouncing off the walls just as much as I do! It’s meant to be!”

 

After receiving her AA from El Camino and then her Bachelor’s Degree in English from California State University Long Beach, Kirkpatrick began her teaching career at Bishop Montgomery High School, her high school alma mater, while also working on her Master’s degree. After rumors spread that she was responsible for the death of the drama teacher (rumor had it that upon seeing her again, Dee Masters suffered a massive stroke), she left to teach at El Camino College before realizing that she could have done much better than that and began her serious pursuit of novel writing.

 

Kirkpatrick had met the other members of the pop group, *NSYNC, and was well acquainted with Justin Timberlake’s future wife, Michelle Harris, so the future Kirkpatrick and Timberlake had spent much time together and forged a strong bond of friendship.

 

“She’s crazy!” Timberlake exclaimed in an interview. “She’s just lucky she’s dating Chris! If it were any of the other guys, I’d be putting them into therapy!” Kirkpatrick had expressed similar feelings of friendship towards Timberlake.

 

“That dude needs to grow up!” she said in an interview. “I swear, once you start making out with your boyfriend in front of your friends it’s all like, ‘Ew, gross, get a room!’ One night he decided to leave dead fish in my bed because I egged his house! Oh yeah, that’s real mature, Timberlake!” Other parts of this interview were edited out due to the newspaper’s dedication to good taste.

 

Stefanie and Chris Kirkpatrick were married on December 17^th, 2011, while working on her doctorate in English at University of California Irvine. Worldwide coverage focused mainly on the fifteen-year age gap between the couple, dubbing them the new Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, to which Kirkpatrick took great pride.

 

“I used to make fun of those two for getting married,” Kirkpatrick commented not long before her wedding. “Honestly, now that I’ve met the love of my life, I don’t think it matters anymore. But I had a nightmare once where I married Ashton Kutcher. I’ve never forgotten it. It won’t stop me from marrying Chris, but it’ll gross me out for all eternity!” Any sense Kirkpatrick tried to make in the interview was deemed non-existent and tossed aside.

 

The couple had two children- James Rigel Kirkpatrick born on May 13^th, 2014, and Anna Grace Kirkpatrick on January 7^th, 2016. The couple raised the children in Los Angeles, California before the children left- or rather fled- for Orlando, Florida for college. The vitality of this couple never ceased to amaze people.

 

“They always seemed so full of life,” JC Chasez, the lead singer of *NSYNC said previously before his death. “Here you have this guy who enters his mid-life crisis and meets this young, idealistic, in dire need of tranquilizer darts twenty-year-old and they go off and get married. We can’t get these people to hold still, I swear! They bounce off the ceiling, Stefanie’s addicted to coffee, Chris is just Chris, and we can’t do anything about it! They’ll be the death of me, I swear!” Of course, two days after this interview, Chasez was reported to have been over for coffee at the Kirkpatrick residence where Chasez apparently fell into one of his sleeping spells- Chasez, in reality, had passed on.

 

“The dude was a sleep addict!” Chris Kirkpatrick said in his and his wife’s defense. “He would pass out asleep while we were in our twenties for God’s sake!”

 

Besides controversies over the deaths of acquaintances, Kirkpatrick was known for her (most likely) perfect English- Kirkpatrick would correct people in mid-sentence if they used incorrect grammar or punctuation. She was also known for her short stories, mostly written in her teens and early twenties. Revered by friends and family, the rest of the world was disagreeing with her style.

 

“Does she know what time period we’re in?” an old classmate asked once. “This ain’t the nineteenth century here- she needs to get with the program.” Unknowingly, Kirkpatrick was in close vicinity and responded back to him, “First off, it’s ‘This isn’t the nineteenth century,’ and yes I’m well aware of what century I’m in! I’m a transcendentalist in the twenty-first century, thus the (censored) title of my Myspace! TWENTY FIRST (censored) CENTURY TRANSCENDENTALIST!”

 

The once in her life where Kirkpatrick could find no humor was in the death of her husband, Chris in November of 2069- barely missing the one hundredth year mark by two years. Justin Timberlake, along side with his wife, visited the grave of Kirkpatrick’s husband.

 

“I’ve been telling her since college,” Michelle Timberlake said at his funeral, “ ‘You have something special with Chris. The world thinks you guys are crazy for being together. But you guys know something the rest of the world doesn’t- how much you love each other. Hang onto him- he’s the one.’” Kirkpatrick had actually expressed similar feelings about the Timberlakes, shortly before Michelle Timberlake’s death.

 

“She didn’t think they’d ever be together,” Kirkpatrick commented, still in mourning for her husband. “She didn’t think Justin would ever notice, let alone love her. She was in for a real shock the day Justin told her he was in love with her. Every story I had ever written about those two paled in comparison to what real life had in store for them.”

 

When asked about dying, Kirkpatrick had this to say, “I’m not really scared of death. I haven’t been since college, actually. I was beginning to live by some wise advice that I had been given but hadn’t taken when I was fourteen: ‘The secret to eternal life is love…Perfect love casts out fear. God is life. God is love’. I can honestly say by the time I began to take that advice, I could say without a doubt in my mind that I loved every human being that existed, exists, and will exist on this earth. I got called crazy again- the way I got called crazy ever since I set foot in Catholic school. But I stopped being so afraid of death. I was still afraid of heights though. That’s why I married a short guy.” Shortly before dying, she commented saying, “I’ll be back. I swear it. If you notice that someone is telling you a lewd joke in the middle of a staff meeting…it’s me. If your house gets egged and there are ABSOLUTELY no witnesses…it’s me. If someone leaves fish in your bed…you’re Justin’s kid and it’s definitely me.”

 

Wait a second. My dad is Justin Timberlake! Oh my God, my wife is going to kill me!

 

                        - Justin Timberlake, Jr., Los Angeles Times

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Still don't own anyone from *NSYNC. So don't sue.

Reviews

[Drew Wade]

umm, this was completely mad. completely, utterly mad.. and for that I loved it. you must be some hell of a famous lady to get that much publicity upon your death.

very nice. i love the way you're able to project forward the details of an imaginary life. it makes me very curious about what is real and what is complete balderdash.

high fives. this was very funny.. and more nsync... oh yeah. those guys are characters, alright.

[Luna]

I remember my *NSYNC days. I was truly obsessed. I believe that I saw them in concert once. It was either them or the Backstreet Boys; I hardly remember.

Anyhow, this obituary was very cool. What a life you are going to have!
I think that it was great how detailed you went into the future. I don't think I would have been able to do that. I hardly know what I am going to eat for breakfast tomorrow morning, let alone how many kids I will have.
This was very creative and funny. I have seen a lot of writing on this site, and I do not think that I have seen an obituary. So I give you props for being 100% original.


-Luna